A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

Three black women were about to go on vacation. As they were getting ready to drive to the airport, one of them says, “I’m gonna wear red pants, so that if the plane crashes, they’ll be sure to find me.” The second one says, “That’s a good idea. I’m gonna wear yellow pants, so that if the plane crashes, they’ll be sure to find me.” The third one says, “I’m not going to wear any pants at all.” To which the other two respond, “Why would you not wear any pants at all?” “Don’t you know the first thing they look for in a plane crash?” the third one replies. “The black box!”

[baccyman]

“My God! What happened to you?” the bartender asks Sean as he hobbles in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. “I got in a tiff with Riley,” he replies. “Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the bartender says. “He must have had a weapon in his hand.” “That he did. A shovel it was.” “Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” “Aye, that I did—Mrs. Riley’s left tit,” Sean laments. “And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight

[baccyman]

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways. After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man. "Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it." "Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor. "We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

[baccyman]

Man Who Loved Baked Beans


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[baccyman]

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

[baccyman]

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 23rd floor of a building. While they were eating lunch, the Irishman shrieked, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunchbox and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time, I’m going to jump, too.” The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping, too.” The very next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and promptly jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his, sees a Burrito, and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch box, sees the Bologna and also jumps to his death. At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife cries, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again.” The Mexican’s wife also weeps, and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.” Finally, the attentions of all in the room turn toward the redneck’s wife, who protests, “Hey, don’t look at me! That dumbass makes his own lunch.”

[baccyman]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. “Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?” “No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?”

[baccyman]

A medical student decided to study sexual dysfunction as his specialty. On his first day in the hospital, the chief doctor decided to show him around and to start teaching his new student about this area of medicine. As part of the training, the chief doctor decided to bring the student around to all the patients in his wing so the student could see firsthand some of the diseases. The doctor opened the first patient’s door and the student was stunned to see the patient masturbating The doctor explained that this patient had a rare sexual dysfunction that if he didn’t have an orgasm every five minutes, he would go into traumatic shock. The chief doctor proceeded to show the medical student different patients and carefully explained each problem so the student would understand well. Finally they came upon another room and when the doctor opened the door, the student was shocked to see a nurse performing oral sex on the patient. Confused, the student asked, “What disease does this man have?” “Oh,” said the doctor, “He has the same problem as the first patient, he just has a better health plan.”

[baccyman]

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.” Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?” St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” “I’ll leave that up to you.” “Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.” So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great!” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven!” “Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter. “Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?” “That was a screen saver,” replied St. Peter.

[baccyman]

This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls
out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of
those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your
asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't
have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the
boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can't have
one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for
food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the
little boy says "I just won $50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to
touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go fuck
yourself!"