A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

Lil' Johnny on Politics


Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[baccyman]

Which Hole


Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in
the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men
found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know
or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it
was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly
agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil
brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just
that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to
Heaven.

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@13 January 2004 - 20:49
(...)
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

[baccyman]

Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister


Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat






Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha you can't resist passing it on.

[baccyman]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all." The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Goal! 2 all."

The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not be out done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He strains a little too hard and shits in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides!"

[baccyman]

Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.

"It's Nothing, Johnny, NOTHING." says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens.

"What's that, Daddy?"

"That, son, is a 24 inch penis."

"But Mummy said that's Nothing."

"Your mother's spoilt, Son."

[baccyman]

A man comes home from a hard days work to find some weight lifting equipment on the stairs, he asks his wife what the hell she is doing wasting money on the gear, and she says that they will help her increase her breast size.

he says "All you need is some toilet paper!".

She seems puzzled, "Yeah all you need to do is rub the toilet paper between your bust, and it makes them bigger".

"How do you know?" she asked

"Well look what its done to your bum!"

[baccyman]

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

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LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

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QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

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CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

[baccyman]

Funny ways to mess people around by using their computers, you should preferably wait until the person is out of the room:

1.Take a screenshot of their desktop, save it and then set it to the background. Then right click on an empty space on the desktop and goto Arrange By > Show Desktop Icons. This should be ticked, by clicking on it, this will hide all the icons but it still looks like the icons are there because of the back drop, its great fun watching them trying to double click something.

2. Move the taskbar to the top or sides of the screen, then shrink it down to its smallest possible size. make sure to then lock the taskbar.

3. Ping off the keys from the keyboard with a pen or a knife or something slim, them rearrange them in a random manner.

4. Put some kind of powder (talcom, baby powder, chalk. whatever) onto the processor and/or the power supply fan. when they start up their computer clouds of smoke will start to rise

5.Put some tape over the floppy drive button, only works for those real simple people though.

6. Replace their Windows start-up sound with a recording that plays 15 minutes of silence, then plays very quiet random sounds every few minutes after that. It will drive them crazy working out where/why the sounds are coming from.

[baccyman]

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"