A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheel. She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?” The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“ She asks, “What’s that?” The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.”

[baccyman]

A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

The youngest daughter replies, "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground."

[baccyman]

A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi Mr. Lion!" The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?" The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?" The eagles then started to sing, "You can't hide your lion eyes".

[baccyman]

WHY DO MEN DIE FIRST?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ...you're a pansy.

If you work too hard...there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you......it's affirmative action.

If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.

If you cry............you're a wimp. If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination. If she asks you.........it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form .....you're a pervert. If you don't ....you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape .............you're sexist. If you don't.................you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape......you're vain. If you don't ........you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you're after something. If you don't ........you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of yourself.
If you aren't....... you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she's tired. If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you're over sexed. If you don't................there must be someone else.

So why do men die first?

Because they want to.

[baccyman]

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

[baccyman]

Subject: drunken intuition


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a pint of milk, a carton of eggs, a small carton of orange juice, a Pot noodle, a 50g Jar of coffee, a 1/2 lb,of bacon and a microwave meal

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, “Cause you're ugly”.

[baccyman]

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical. A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

[baccyman]

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

[baccyman]

Aussie Humour !!
>
>
>A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the coast.
>He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
>
>Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
>
>couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
>
>Constable.
>
>The Sarge says, "Mate we have some news for you, unfortunately some
>
>really bad news, but, some good news and some really good news".
>
>"Well?" says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,
>
>what's the bad news?"
>
>The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal but your wife is dead. Young Bill
>
>here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
>
>reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but
>
>she was dead."
>
>The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and
>
>has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and
>
>asks what the good news is.
>
>The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
>
>really good sized crays and a swag of legal blue swimmers in and around
>
>her wetsuit, so we've brought you your share."
>
>And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice
>
>crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They're bloody beaut;
>
>I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now what's the really good
>
>news?"
>
>"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here go off duty
>
>at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up
>
>again!..... do you fancy comin' with us mate?"

[baccyman]

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebRate."