A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

On an out of town business trip, after a meeting in the afternoon and the obligatory dinner that evening with the client, I went to my hotel room, watched some late-night TV and turned in at about midnight. After tossing and turning for over an hour I decided to give it up for a time and go down to the hotel bar for a drink.
At that time of night - it was now close to 1:30 - the bar was almost deserted. As I slid onto a barstool I noticed a lonely looking guy at the end of the bar just sitting, without a drink in front of him, just looking down at his hands.

When the bartender roused himself, came over and asked, "What'll you have?" I replied, "Let me have a bourbon old fashion, and see what the guy at the end of the bar is drinking."

When the drinks came, the man at the end of the bar raised his glass in a gesture of thanks and all was silent for a time. When I finished my drink I called to the bartender for another, adding, "But this time, leave out the fruit."

The other guy stiffened, visibly angry, and shouted, "Screw you mister, I didn't want the first drink!"

[baccyman]

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

[baccyman]

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him. “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.” “How does it work?” The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you asshole…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”

[baccyman]

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner..... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"

[baccyman]

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a con-ciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@11 February 2004 - 14:46
(...)
"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

I have to try this out

[baccyman]

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

[baccyman]

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business..."

[baccyman]

There was a little baby boy and a little baby girl. Then the baby boy goes "I'm a boy, you are a girl!" Then the girl goes "How do you know?" Then the little boy goes "I'll show you when the nurse leaves." So about 10 minutes later, the nurse leaves. So the boy lifts up his gown and goes.........
"See I have Blue Booties, and you have Pink!

[baccyman]

THE "F" WORD:

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered
acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?"


-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


10. "What the @#$% was that?"


-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"


-- Custer, 1877


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."


-- Einstein, 1938


7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"


-- Picasso, 1926


6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"


-- Pythagoras, 126 BC


5. "You want! WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"


-- Michelangelo, 1566


4. "Where the @#$% are we?"


-- Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"


-- Noah, 4314 BC


2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"


-- Bill Clinton, 1999


and a drum roll............! .....


1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."


-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003