A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.
I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress:

Day 1

Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

[baccyman]

Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night. He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in a used car lot.
The car lot is closed so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?"

"Certainly not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."

"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"

"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here we would get screwed."

[baccyman]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while, a snow plow went by, and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued, and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came ! back to her car and signaled her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a bizzard. The driver replied that it was OK with him, and she could continue if she wanted... but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next

[baccyman]

A drunk guy walks into a bar, goes over to a woman standing at the jukebox, and grabs her ass. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” the woman screams. “I’m sorry,” replies the drunk. “I thought you were my wife!” “Why, you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!” she yells. “See? You sound just like her.”

[baccyman]

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

[baccyman]

Mad Cow Disease
This is really the best explanation that I have heard clearly defining this occurrence...

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer living just outside Cornerbrook, Newfoundland, to find the main cause of the Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?

The Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?

The reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

[baccyman]

A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to get in. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled man.
"Shertainly," said the drunk, "an' if you'll jesh open the door f'me, I'll prove it to you."

"You shee that piano?" the drunk began. "Thash mine. You shee that TV? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me."

The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.

"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee that bed? Thash my bed. Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. And shee that guy lying next to her?"

"Yeah," said the cop suspiciously.

"Thash me!"

[baccyman]

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

[baccyman]

Three truckdrivers died and went to heaven where they met St. Peter at the gates.
St. Peter says, "I have to ask each of you three simple questions before you can enter the gates to paradise."

So he calls the first driver over and asks his questions. "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"

"No."

"Have you ever done any dope?"

"No."

"Well have you ever screwed around with other women?"

"No."

St. Peter points to the left and says, "You stand by that door right over there."

He calls the second guy over and starts; "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"

"No, that'd be bad for my health."

"Have you ever done any drugs?"

"No sir, that'd be breaking the law."

"Well have you ever screwed around with any women?" "No way, that'd be breaking one of the ten commandments."

St. Peter says "Allright, stand by your buddy over there." and called the third truckdriver over.

He starts, "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"

"Well, I tried not to but I've always been an alcoholic."

"Well! Let me ask you this, Have you ever done any drugs?"

"Why hell yea, how do you think I stay awake to run 20 hours a day, you've got to roll to make the dough."

"Well," St. Peter asks "I've got to know, have you ever scewed around with any women?" "Ooooooooooweeee; maaaan, there's this dame back in Baltimore that'll suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!"

St. Peter pointed to the right and says "You stand by that door over there." When the driver asks about the other two guys, St. Peter explains "Your buddies are going to hell; but we're going back to Baltimore!!!"

[baccyman]

Father O'Grady was saying his goodbye's to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
"Well what would that be now, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, Father... he passed away last night."
"Oh, Mary," said the priest, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'"