A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body was that of a Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body was a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Mississippi, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

[baccyman]

Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shopping today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"
Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothing, my wife's dumber than that! She went shopping yesterday and had a washing machine delivered." They all laughed and laughed, why nobody around here has plumbing!

The third Hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman's got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six condoms. Hell, she ain't got no pecker."

[cpt_azad]

dude, keep em coming!!! you got so many jokes, shit, i could never think of this many!!! keep it up!!!

[baccyman]

A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked and with a monster of a hang-over. So she rang for the butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.
"Jeeves" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last night. How did I get to bed?"

"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"

"But my dress?"

"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and hung it up"

"But what about my underwear?"

"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I took the liberty of removing them."

"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"

"Only the first time, Madam."

[baccyman]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

[baccyman]

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.

“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

[baccyman]

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[baccyman]

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance. The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"
The lady says, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@21 March 2004 - 18:41
(...)
"I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

[tesco]

Originally posted by Autumn Fox+18 March 2004 - 19:01--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 18 March 2004 - 19:01)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@18 March 2004 - 12:55
(...)
"Didn&#39;t feel a thing&#33;"

Edit: Change that sig of yours, me eyes still hurt. [/b][/quote]
no, im using it until I finally get around to making a good sig using photoshop.

If you want to make me one u can...