A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man+29 March 2004 - 12:40--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (baccy_man &#064; 29 March 2004 - 12:40)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> (...)
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips.. She says "HELLO, MOM?" [/b]

<!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@29 March 2004 - 22:28
(...)
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" [/quote]

[baccyman]

Q: What is the difference between God and Martha Stewart?

















A: God does NOT think He is Martha Stewart&#33;

[baccyman]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?

"Why, I&#39;ve been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you&#39;ve had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I&#39;d gone deaf."

[baccyman]

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.
One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven&#39;s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit. "That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?

""Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I&#39;ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five- hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates

."No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic.

"Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you&#39;re showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system&#33; Why does he deserve better?&#33;"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

[baccyman]

Three bulls are in the pasture complaining. They&#39;ve heard a rumor that the farmer is bringing in a new bull, and they aren&#39;t happy about sharing any of their cows.
The Alpha bull says, "You know, since we settled our differences and split up the cows, I&#39;ve been pretty happy with MY 120 cows. I am not about to share any of MY cows with this new bull."

The second toughest bull says, "Yeah, well I ended up with only 60 cows, so I can&#39;t afford to share any of MY cows."

The youngest bull says, "I may only be half as big as you guys, but I&#39;m still a teenager. I&#39;m already climbing the walls with just 20 cows."

Suddenly a huge, black tractor-trailer pulls into the yard. The entire trailer contains just one animal - the biggest, baddest bull you ever saw. He weighs 3,000 pounds and has horns four feet long. As the new bull strolls down the gangplank, the two-inch thick metal plates actually sag under his weight.

Suddenly the former Alpha bull is a bit more flexible, "Well, maybe I could spare a FEW cows."

The second toughest bull says, "Maybe if I hide in the corner of the pasture, he&#39;ll leave me alone."

But the small, teenage bull is snorting, pawing the ground and shaking his fledgling horns in an extremely confrontational way.

Worried about the reckless youngster, the two older bulls trot over to the young bull and say, "Listen, son. It&#39;s not worth dying for. Just give the new bull your 20 cows."

"He can HAVE my 20 cows," replies the young bull, snorting and pawing the ground again. "I&#39;m just making sure he knows I&#39;m a BULL&#33;"

[baccyman]

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard&#33; Spit it out&#33;"

[baccyman]

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is near&#33; Turn yourself around now before it&#39;s too late&#33;"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts&#33;" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says &#39;Bridge Out&#39; instead?"

[baccyman]

A soldier in Vietnam walked into a whorehouse in Saigon, went up to the madam, and asked, "Do Oriental women really have horizontal ones?"
"Why?" asked the madam. "Are you harmonica player?"

[baccyman]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" he said to himself as a little &#39;dust&#39; cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Jo Ann," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It&#39;s not talcum powder, Dear. It&#39;s &#39;Miracle Grow&#39;."