A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table --
'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you.' So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table - eating. Marty asks, 'Son what happened last night?' His son says, 'Well, you came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.'

Confused, Marty asks, 'So why is everything in order and so clean and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?' His son replies, 'Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married.'

A Self-Induced Hangover: $100.00
Broken Furniture: $200.00
Breakfast: $ 10.00
Saying the right thing: Priceless



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Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.
The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars." The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy. Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this." Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians. Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh... my... Gosh... we're going to be millionaires!"

[baccyman]

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"



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Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone, little girl?"

"Because," said the child with great exasperation, "I'm the f**king goalie."

[cpt_azad]

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone, little girl?"

"Because," said the child with great exasperation, "I'm the f**king goalie."

LMFAO sounds like a dumb blonde joke

[sampson]

A golfer walks up to the next tee with several scratches and a decent amount of blood of his face. After several whispers, one man in the galley asked "what happened to you?" The golfer then stated, "I blew an eagle on the last hole."

[baccyman]

A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?" three carats


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New Mint Flavored........
Birth Control Pill
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. Have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called....

"Pre-dick-a-mints."

[baccyman]

"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That’s very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself."



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An Attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named 'Wilbur Wright', who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this, .... and, on and on, .... where have you been?"

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, .... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.

Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet."They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman, don't you ever stop!?"



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A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.
He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.

The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

[Barbarossa]

Originally posted by baccy_man@16 July 2004 - 10:43
A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

eh?

[manker]

Originally posted by barbarossa+16 July 2004 - 11:48--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (barbarossa @ 16 July 2004 - 11:48)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@16 July 2004 - 10:43
A woman's husband dies. He has only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he still had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the temple, so that was another $2,000. The rest went for the memorial stone. The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"

eh? [/b][/quote]
I have a feeling the missing punchline to the joke is:

"Three carats"

[cpt_azad]

When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

LMFAO keep em comin man these are great

[baccyman]

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots&#39; uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they&#39;re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they&#39;re going to scream too late, and we&#39;re all gonna die. . ."