A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and had a commitment ceremony with him. He was so ambitious that he left me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend.

I am now 40 and am looking for a guy with a big dick.



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THE PENIS STUDY
In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, Yale decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. The University of Mississippi, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by Keikan@10 August 2004 - 14:49

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

I had a simuliar situation

I'd love it. 2 women in the sack . Then i could die happy :

[cpt_azad]

After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

[baccyman]

A man called his boss one morning and said, "I can't make it to work today. I am sick."
The boss asked, "What's wrong?"

The employee replied, "I have anal glaucoma."

The boss said, "What the hell is that?"

The man replied, "Well, I just can't see my ass coming in to work."



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A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my mother's not looking to get into my panties."



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A man walks into an ice cream parlor and says "Can I have a pint of chocolate ice cream, please?"
The clerk looks up and says "Sorry sir, but we don't have any chocolate left."
After careful pondering the man says, "OK, I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream, then" The clerk grows frustrated and replies "No, I'm sorry, there IS NO CHOCOLATE."
The man apologizes and stares at the menu for a while, and then says "Fine, give me just one scoop of chocolate ice cream please."
The clerk takes a breath and says "Sir, could you please spell VAN, as in Vanilla?"
The man is intrigued, and so spells out "V-A-N." The clerk nods. "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry, please?"
"S-T-R-A-W", replies the man.
"And finally, spell STINK, as in chocolate?"
The man starts to say "S-T... wait a minute, there's no 'stink' in chocolate!"
"NOW we understand each other!" the clerk exclaims.

[baccyman]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends.
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were sitting to one side, eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."



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A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.
While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes, and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, yes, it was.

The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, can't. It's all booked up for a year."

[baccyman]

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex.
To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no.

"Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no.

"Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"



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"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster roller coaster... As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.
"I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. "By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times!"

[Autumn Fox]

Originally posted by baccy_man@14 August 2004 - 15:37
(...)
The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"
(...)

lmao...on the other hand i feel kinda sorry for the guy

[baccyman]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[baccyman]

"What do you want to be when you grow up little Johnny?"
"A doctor?"

"And why is that?"

"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."



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Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."

"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."

"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."

"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"

"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

[baccyman]

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?"

"It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life."

"Well, then," she replies. "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself, how are you fixed financially?"

"So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself."

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain, "And how's your sex life?"

"Infrequently." he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking, "And is that one word or two?"