A Bit Of A Laugh

[tesco]

Keep them coming. I enjoy reading your posts every day baccyman. It's comforting knowing that I can always come to this thread and find new jokes posted.

[baccyman]

great that you enjoy the jokes.

[baccyman]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up.

Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward --

NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"



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One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.

Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

"Where to?" he stammered.

"Union Station," answered the woman.

"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"

"Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does "THIS" answer your question?"

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[Shiranai_Baka]

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right.".

[baccyman]

A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one.


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Eighty-four-year-old Morris was hit by a car and lay bleeding on the sidewalk. A policeman arrived on the scene and, glancing at the victim, immediately called for a priest and an ambulance. The priest arrived first and, bending over Morris, he asked, "Do you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
Morris lifted his head, opened his eyes wide and turned to the crowd that had gathered around him. "I am laying here dying and this schmendrick is asking me riddles"



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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line is for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[baccyman]

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?" "Make it a whiskey," says the man, who promptly throws it down in one gulp. "That'll be three dollars," says the bartender. "Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying." "Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap." Two years later, the same man walks into the same bar with the same bartender. The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?" "Excuse me, but I have no idea what you're talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!" "Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double." "Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."

[cpt_azad]

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says to the guy, "What can I get you?" "Make it a whiskey," says the man, who promptly throws it down in one gulp. "That'll be three dollars," says the bartender. "Screw you!" says the man. "You offered to get me something. I thought you were paying." "Get out," says the bartender. "You're banned. I don't need your crap." Two years later, the same man walks into the same bar with the same bartender. The bartender looks at him and says, "You're the jerk who tried to con a drink out of me, aren't you?" "Excuse me, but I have no idea what you're talking about," says the customer. "I've never been to this bar before in my life!" "Sorry. My mistake," says the bartender. "You must have a double." "Hey thanks, dude!" says the customer. "Make it whiskey."

[baccyman]

"Dad," said the boy, "we had a spelling contest in school today and I missed on the very first word."
"That's too bad, Son." consoled the Father. "What was the word?"

"Posse."

"Well, no wonder you couldn't spell it, you lunkhead. You can't even pronounce it correctly."



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An Alabama sheriff went fishing on his day off. As he sat on the riverbank, a kid came walking by. Spying a frog, the kid grabbed it, took out his pocket knife and said, "Frog, I's gon cut yo' legs off."
The he said, "Frog, after I gets don' cuttin' yo legs off, I's gon' stick this here popsickle stick up yo' butt, and then, frog......."

This was too much for the deputy. He stood up, grabbed the kid, and said, "Look heah, boy, whatever you do to that frog, I'm gonna do to you!"

The kid said, "Frog, dis here's yo' lucky day, 'cause I's gonna kiss yo' ass."

[baccyman]

The other day I came home from work and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear, and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went bowling.



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A wealthy ninety years old tycoon is meeting with is financial advisor. The advisor is very excited and tells the old man. “ I just found out about an investment I can make for you which will double your money in just five years!”
“Five years? Are you kidding?” exclaims the old man. “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”


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Young TZ found it impossible to get a date. He’d start to talk to a girl, and his tongue would twist up like a pretzel.
He went to a bookstore and looked for something that would help him overcome his timidity. On a nonfiction rack he saw a book titled "Ways to Women". Blowing his entire allowance, he bought the book, rushed home, and discovered that he had bought volume ten of the encyclopedia.

[baccyman]

A young associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room of the law firm.
After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty hour work weeks, the associate was happy to reciprocate.

However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, the associate was puzzled.

"All I know for sure is that it was a partner, I had to do all the work."



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A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"



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First," said the playboy, "I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you’re not," said the girl.

"Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh no you’re not."

"Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh no you’re not."

"Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh no you’re not."

"And I’m not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.