A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

A little boy was doing his homework one evening and turned to his father and said,
“Dad, where would I find the Andes?
“Don’t ask me,” said the father. “Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house.”


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Jeanne Calment, at 120 years and counting, is the oldest living human who's birth date can be authenticated. When recently asked to describe her vision for the future, she replied, "Very brief."_____________________________
From Win Arn comes another quip about an aging woman. When the reporter asked the birthday girl what she like best about being 102 years old, she answered, "No peer pressure."___________________

Finally, John Fetterman, rector of Grace Episcopal Church in Madison, Wisconsin told of an elderly woman who died last April. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

[baccyman]

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor.
When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: "Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!"



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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon says, No, I really think construction workers are the best. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[Rat Faced]

[cpt_azad]

"and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

[baccyman]

well that is politicians for you full of bullshit.

[cpt_azad]

yup

[Autumn Fox]

Then how come you voted for Bush again ??

[cpt_azad]

me?

[baccyman]

i would have a job to vote for Bush . i live in the u.k.


A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.
When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."



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A man takes his son tiger hunting.
They’re creeping through the weeds and the man says, “Son, this hunt marks your passage into manhood. Do you have any questions?

And the boy says, “Yes, if the tiger kills you, how do I get home?”



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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

[baccyman]

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.



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With Christmas now coming closer each day I'm sending you this little story..........
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the he kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.