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Thread: Love Vs. In Love

  1. #1
    dwightfry's Avatar Poster
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    Just when I think things can't get worse, they do.

    A month ago, I nearly broke up with my Fiance (At the time), after that we called up the engagment, but continued going out, yesterday, after over 3 years, she broke up with me.

    She doesn't have any reasons except that she felt this was coming and there was no avoiding it. I don't know what she is talking about. We have FANTASTIC times together, especially the night before we even broke up. My aunt has sat outside of my door and heard us laughing and talking for hours in a small, very cramped room. She even talked to my mom about how amazing it is that I found someone that I can just sit in a room for hours with and still have things to say and talk about.

    She couldn't tell me that she wasn't in love with me anymore. My feeling is that you can love someone and not want to be with them (like loving a movie doesn't mean you want to watch it), but if you are in love with someone then that means you do want to be with them. I told her that and she still couldn't tell me that she wasn't in love with me. She just kept telling me that this is the best for both of us. I asked her but would she want to be with me tomarrow, and she couldn't say no. I don't understand why she broke up with me. She doesn't understand either, she just kept on saying 'It just doesn't feel right'.

    So, can you be IN love with someone and not want to be with them? Is there any words of wisdom, or a similar experience that will comfort me a little, because needless to say, this is hard.

    (B.T.W. - Nothing bad happened between us. She didn't meet someone else or anything like that. I do know this for sure. I should note that, if you look at her life, me and her would appear to be the least of her problems. She is having a hard time in every aspect of it. It looked to me like I was the only good thing. The person that could always cheer her up no matter what happened.)
    Life should come with backround music
    -Dwight Fry-
    Coconut, the desert's onion
    -Dwight Fry-
    Why stand when you can lean, why lean when you can sit, why sit when you can lounge, why lounge when you can lie
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  2. Lounge   -   #2
    MusicChick's Avatar Poster
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    First of all I would like to say that I'm very sorry that your fiance broke up with you. Love vs In Love? Well to me they are the same thing. Love is love. I may be a Woman but I disagree with alot of women when they say "oh I love him but I'm not in love with him". To me that translates that you care about the guy but don't love him that way, the way in which you with all your heart love and care for that person. Relationships can be very confusing. Maybe your fiance needs some time to sort out the problems in her life that you were speaking of. To me if I were having problems I would want my fiance with me to help me sort out those problems, and be beside me so I know that he was there for me. But that's just me. To be honest, alot of women just don't know what's good for them. A girl I knew had the best boyfriend she could possibly have, but instead of appreciating that, she cheated on him. But you should know that there are good women out there that will appreciate a good man when they see one. You just have to have the patience and you will find her. If the two of you are meant to be, then you will. Just give her some space right now. If she truly loves you, then she will come back to you. If things don't work out, like they say "Time heals all wounds". I know that now it may hurt, but eventually, things will get better. I went through a breakup and it was very hard to get over, but as time passed, I felt better. One thing that will help, do things that you like to do. Hang out with your friends. I really hope what I've said has given you some comfort. All of us go through the same thing.

  3. Lounge   -   #3
    why dont we make another section ....

    we can call it.... ALL BULLSHIT ABOUT LOVE IN HERE.

  4. Lounge   -   #4
    Gemby!'s Avatar Poster
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    loves a bitch - luckly im too young to be in love !!! haha

    but i am real sorry to hear about you and g/f hope you get over her and find a better person
    Single handedly destroying the NHS from the inside

  5. Lounge   -   #5
    Rat Faced's Avatar Broken
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    Originally posted by MusicChick@8 December 2003 - 10:19
    First of all I would like to say that I'm very sorry that your fiance broke up with you. Love vs In Love? Well to me they are the same thing. Love is love. I may be a Woman but I disagree with alot of women when they say "oh I love him but I'm not in love with him". To me that translates that you care about the guy but don't love him that way, the way in which you with all your heart love and care for that person. Relationships can be very confusing. Maybe your fiance needs some time to sort out the problems in her life that you were speaking of. To me if I were having problems I would want my fiance with me to help me sort out those problems, and be beside me so I know that he was there for me. But that's just me. To be honest, alot of women just don't know what's good for them. A girl I knew had the best boyfriend she could possibly have, but instead of appreciating that, she cheated on him. But you should know that there are good women out there that will appreciate a good man when they see one. You just have to have the patience and you will find her. If the two of you are meant to be, then you will. Just give her some space right now. If she truly loves you, then she will come back to you. If things don't work out, like they say "Time heals all wounds". I know that now it may hurt, but eventually, things will get better. I went through a breakup and it was very hard to get over, but as time passed, I felt better. One thing that will help, do things that you like to do. Hang out with your friends. I really hope what I've said has given you some comfort. All of us go through the same thing.
    I dont agree that Loving someone and being "In Love" are the same thing.

    You dont stay "In Love" forever, even with the best partner in the world.

    When you finish the "In Love" phase, the you can feel many different things for the other person; ranging from Love to Hate and hitting every emotion in between. Your sanity returns and you see the person for what they are, and not the illusion your brain has been building (ever wonder why friends sometimes say "what does he/she see in him/her?")

    One of the reasons that divorce is so common now is that people get married while they are "In Love", which is a temporary insanity (albeit a nice one)...no major life decisions should be made while suffering from this affliction



    To me, it sounds like she is no longer "In Love" but does still love you. However because she has stopped being obsessed and can think straight again...she's confused as to the different way she feels now. She may not be able to handle this change in her emotional state well if she has a lot of other crap going on in her life, however im sure that she will come around, as Love is a very strong emotion. Just hang in and dont change your attitude towards her...be there for her.





    Reading the above, i doubt that many of the younger members will understand what im trying to say....its a difficult thing for me to explain properly. I understand what i mean though, and i think some of the older members may be able to figure it out; so i'll post/leave it in the hope that someone better at the English Language can translate it for me

    An It Harm None, Do What You Will

  6. Lounge   -   #6
    dunno this will help or not but : Donjuan

    ask ur question there.. they might have answers

  7. Lounge   -   #7
    dwightfry's Avatar Poster
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    Thank you all for the replays. I'm still kinda confused and really talked out. Please leave more and don't be offended if I don't reply. I am reading them. I just need to get things sorted out.
    Life should come with backround music
    -Dwight Fry-
    Coconut, the desert's onion
    -Dwight Fry-
    Why stand when you can lean, why lean when you can sit, why sit when you can lounge, why lounge when you can lie
    -Dwight Fry-
    www.BrownSugarStudios.com

  8. Lounge   -   #8
    Skweeky's Avatar Manker's web totty
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    Well...maybe the reason she is having a hard time on every other aspect in her life is exactly the reason she broke up with you?

    When I broke up with Bender that was more or less the case. I had no idea what to do with my life, wasn't happy about the way it was going at the moment, had a lot of financial problems, didn't really know who or what I was anymore, just became the president of my students club, which involves a lot of work....
    (yeah, ok, I did meet someone else back then, but that was just the last drop, wasn't the reason for our rel'p to end).
    The logical thing to me back then was just to end what took most of my time. Bender tried to support me, but couldn't do that the way I needed it, but I never showed or told him...
    Back then all I needed was a lot of time for myself and to be in a rel'p like that didn't feel right at all. We don't talk anymore these days because I had no explanation back then, just like your girlfriend. I wasn't in love with him anymore, but I can't say I didn't love him back then. Until this day I still didn't figure out what exactly was my reason for leaving, all I CAN say is that it seemed wrong to stay any longer.

    I know you are probably craving for an explanation, so you can understand, and maybe even change it. The last thing you should do though is put pressure on her, it'll only make her feel more confused and upset (at least that was the case with me ). Give her some time, let her sort things out, but you have to count in the fact that maybe she'll never be able to give you a valid reason for leaving except that 'it didn't feel right anymore' thing.



    And love vs. in love...

    those are definitely two completely different things. Biologically and chemically it is impossible to be in love with the same person for 3 years in a row (unles you have one hell of a hormone system ). That doesn't mean that occasionaly a glimpse of it comes back, that what gives a rel'p an extra boost every now and then. Loving someone feels so much better though (IF that is what you're looking for of course), but I don't think that it is always enough to be with someone.

    Hope I helped you with this

    Hug,
    Sonja
    xxx

  9. Lounge   -   #9
    dwightfry's Avatar Poster
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    It does help to here that someone else that seems to be going through the same thing she is. That it isn't anything I did, and there isn't anything I can do.

    I was told by everyone not to talk to her, give her time....I didn't listen. I just got back from her place and I feel really good. We have the most honest open relationship either of us have ever been in. There isn't a single thing I don't know about her unless she didn't remember it herself. She really is my best friend and I think this is how things are supposed to be. She still feels very close to me and I still feel very close to her. I even talked about dating this girl at work and we were both comfortable with it. We held hands for awhile, but it was as friends who are there for each other.

    So right now we both feel strangely comfortable. Unfortunatly I know that in these situations you do cover all aspects of emotions. Plus we don't know where the line is drawn between extremely good friends and more then friends. Either way I think things are going to be okay.

    (As you can see I am a very open person or else I wouldn't be telling a bunch of strangers this. It makes things a lot easier. )



    One more question though.

    When girls are good friends they are comfortable changing in front of each other. We both agreed that we would still be comfortable because we have been doing it for 3 years, there isn't anything sexual about it anymore, (Unless of course we wanted it to be). Has anyone else experienced 2 best friends of oppisite sexes that do that kind of stuff?
    Life should come with backround music
    -Dwight Fry-
    Coconut, the desert's onion
    -Dwight Fry-
    Why stand when you can lean, why lean when you can sit, why sit when you can lounge, why lounge when you can lie
    -Dwight Fry-
    www.BrownSugarStudios.com

  10. Lounge   -   #10
    dwightfry im so sorry to hear that, i hope things work out for you, i know ive only been in a relationship for just over 10 months, and ok im only 16, but this really does feel special, i loved this girl for a long time, and when we started going out i fell in love with her.

    Perhaps your girlfriend thinks that she will be a burden to you, with all her other problems you mention, mabye you should try and call her and tell her you know she is still in love with you and that no matter what, you want to be with her, and help her regardless of the situation, explain to her that relationships are all about helping each other, if my girlfriend didnt help me i wouldnt love her so much.

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