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Thread: Favorite Amazon.com Reviwer?

  1. #1
    I just re-regged (for the record I have somewhere in the range of 20 to 30 posts on my last account) and thought I'd actually post a topic for once.

    Anyway, the point of this post was to find amusing, insightful, or perhaps erotic reviewers from amazon.com. I'll start of course.

    Meet david, he hails from ALaMO usa and is a highly opinionated and prolific critic of our times finest art. He also seems to be suffering from numerous mental illnesses simultaneously.

    Here are some examples:

    Forrest Gump (1994) DVD ~ Tom Hanks

    [1 Star] 0 of 10 people found the following review helpful:
    ONE BAD HEART WRETCHING AMPUTEE AND TWO IDIOTS December 5, 2003
    dog GONE awfull, EXPlOITIVE sentimental STRIP TEAZE, slaughter of serious WHAT YOU GET IS, propagandist SYRUP flatuence in your face EXCESS,almost stream of consciousness for the hallmark SQUAD,its like endless looping TRAINWRECKS scenes of CARNAGE hail HALLOW, THIS IS wHAT movie FOR THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED,ITS UNHINGED in its SUPERFICIALLITY, it banality ,its PREDICTIVE,of ANGST for the TRULLY,rotted LOBOTOMISED smylies in your head,GOSH DARN shucks WHERES garry cooper when you need him.



    The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald (Author)
    0 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

    [5 Stars] THE MIND REMENenSENCE November 20, 2003
    fItZgerald,arald,herald, the future that you can gleem in symbols of far off,HIS GENUIS,REGRET given full amplification in symbolic descrptions of GLITZ EMPTY ECHOES IN PONIFICATIOns. POSTS given anchor on the pages,past each proceeding the other, he was surely on to something, terrible OF THE HAZARDS MINE FIELDS, STUMBLING ACROSS MOON SOAKED PLATEAUS, ode dizzy paves in broken glass, A PRODIGY FLEEIN A PREMATURE past FUTURE TO STEER CLEAR,THAT LURK ON THE SURFACE OF SEEIN THINGS like no one had ever done before.

    [Amusingly he posted this same review twice, the second time he omitted "arald" from the beginning.]


    Terminator 3 - Rise of the Machines(2003) DVD ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger
    0 of 2 people found the following review helpful:

    [4 Stars] [BIG BANG] laugh while you DRIVE/DIE November 15, 2003
    [COLLUSION OR COLLISION] aRnIES back, big BANG time alredy OBSOLETE terminator from the future,HES a good [CYBORG], hes a robot with just a hint of attitude,HES a little like wheres DOROTHY? hes not cowardly like the lion or stupid hes faithfull like a [TOTO] a TALKIN dog to CONNER,MOSTLY TO spout/SPROUT one liners.. as usUall hes packin, an arsenal [better to buy time] he drives around alot.. yellow brick road TO demolision VISION delerious,gravity dyfing thee stooges like choreographed skits, where machine collide with other machines slaps part fly OFF through space... machines coiled ready for the kill; frill of THRILL, adrenaline, machines dont know how to love, but ARNIE KINDA DOES, hes learnin,although theres not much time in this BIG spectacular, HEAVY metal, zoom in [SLOT CAR RACER IMPOSSIBLY SPEEDY] A,,ai,[artificial lie ]programMed ORGASM .. AL OBJECTS PROGRAMED TO COLLIDE, these machines rise to the occassionS, SEEK and DESRTOY, heat seeking OVERKILL, BIG TIME,along for amusements, witness but not a participant,stupHOR MATRIX, maximum laugh at,one LINERS OF EXCELLENCE,arnolds,, this movie HAS the guts TO LAUGH LOUD, AND OFTEN, heroically, not only at it self, poke at its not nearlyTOO deadly earnest,[BRETHERIN]bastard LIKE THE MATRIX, left wing pointstoo , neo tribal, groovey kids KICK this movie is non political, [or its buried its head in the tombstone years],republican liberal GOLDWATER MACHINE READY,theres a, unlike LIGHT HEARTED randomness NOT surly MATRIX friendly erks some,in THE natural ORDER, predictable,machine turned ugly, RIDDLED WITH BULLET HOLES, take pot shots, embrasedesignerEMBRASE GAP OUTLETFACADE FRIENDLY YOUNG AND HIP,DISGRACE,BLIND AND HAIRY PSUEDOOVODDOO, MATRIX OR MAXIMS of product placemeants,CONSCIOUSNESS about,at all cost, cater to wow wow wow,BIG BUDAHSIDDARTA HERmme hurly HESSISMS,JOURNEY burly YEAH, JOURNEY HEREand know,THERES NO ESCAPING,,,,,, MOTHER OF ALL BIG BANG on the brink of consciousness, NUMB, OR WAKENS US NUMB FROM THE BIG DUMB POINTLESS EXPENSE OF our machine folly put too much faith reliance in MACHINE TELLS US HUMANS WHERE possible like in a very un like[ the CATERmatrix ],THERES NO WHERE IS THERE everywhere ,..thundering trite POSTUREponification of the youthfull and SHOPPER HER, not even mentioning down the pike next years MODELS,MACHINE OPTIMISM QUAINT PLANT OBSOLESCENCE trite,


    And now I guess you do the same thing, or improvise pirate shanties.

    EDIT: Christ, can a mod fix my spelling of "reviewer" in the topic?

  2. Lounge   -   #2
    sparsely's Avatar
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    eh?

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  3. Lounge   -   #3
    I did hate Forrest Gump.
    Aren't we in the trust tree, thingey?

  4. Lounge   -   #4
    Mr. Blunt's Avatar n00b
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    Originally posted by hobbes@18 December 2003 - 19:43
    I did hate Forrest Gump.
    I liked it.

  5. Lounge   -   #5
    Originally posted by Mr. Blunt+19 December 2003 - 05:07--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Mr. Blunt &#064; 19 December 2003 - 05:07)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteBegin-hobbes@18 December 2003 - 19:43
    I did hate Forrest Gump.
    I liked it. [/b][/quote]
    Stupid people have only limited appeal. Hence my hatred of that movie. Respect my authoritah, Blunt boy&#33;
    Aren't we in the trust tree, thingey?

  6. Lounge   -   #6
    sparsely's Avatar
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    now that you mention it, this reminds me of a review on Amazon.com for Negativland Presents: Over the Edge Vol. 6: The Willsaphone Stupid Show
    as follows:

    run: florist, Run&#33;, August 6, 1998
    Reviewer: jerome kelly (see more about me) from Fullerton CA USA&nbsp;
    The reason that I do not like Tom Hanks is because to me he represents the shining, worthless success of the mundane USA mainstream. Tom Hanks is always involved in Smurf-hearted projects (or was that My Little Pony?) that for some reason never fail to produce reactions and attitudes in people the same way Rush Limbaugh&#39;s rantings never fail to produce them. With Rush Limbaugh, it&#39;s about who to hate, and with Tom Hanks, it&#39;s about how to feel about "important stuff." Do you see what I&#39;m saying? What is so good about Tom Hanks, except that everyone totally loves him, if that&#39;s even good? (I don&#39;t think it is.) And Will Smith is the same way for me, just the black version. And Steven Spielberg (whose last name translates roughly to "Magic Mountain" or "Rock Climbing" or perhaps "Playhill" - you get the idea) is the director version. You know how they put stupid characters in full-length feature animation films just for thei&#33; r kid appeal? [I can&#39;t even think of any right now. Geez. I must have exorcized that crap from my memory... Oh, like those gargoyles in Disney&#39;s "The Hunchback of Notre Dame." You know what I&#39;m talking about.] Well, Tom Hanks is like the real-life version of those characters, and the movie in which he plays that character is "Popular Culture in the USA Right Now." Just as soon as people realize that they are fed up with the Smurf-like, kid-appeal characters in so many of our stories these days, that&#39;s when they will start to get real tired of Tom Hanks. That&#39;s why this album is just OK.

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  7. Lounge   -   #7
    Don&#39;t disrespect "The Burbs"
    Aren't we in the trust tree, thingey?

  8. Lounge   -   #8
    sparsely's Avatar
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    certainly not.
    the Burbs rules

    "there go the goddamn brownies&#33;&#33;

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  9. Lounge   -   #9
    Arm's Avatar Poster
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    This guys my favorite. Fred Dursts Numba One Fann&#39;s Hes a friggin wigger who doesn&#39;t know shit about what hes reviewing. Watch him diss Opeths Damnation album, which is the BEST album ever produced by a death metal band because it lacks anything resembling death metal. B)

    Hey metal freeks, whut is up?? I love metal so much, and a funny looking guy with these lighting bolt tattoos at a local record shop said I should pick up this disc for TRU metal&#33;&#33;&#33; Wow, what a big letdown this album was&#33;&#33; First of all, nothing here resembles metal at all....where are the phat, twisted guitar riffs??? Where is all the insane rhymes and guest rappers?? Where is the distorted bass patterns?? Where are the drum machines and DJ&#39;s?? Worst of all, none of these songs have been on MTV or TRL and for good reason, everyone would fall asleep if they did play this O&#39;beth band&#33;&#33; For TRU metal you know where to look, and thats to unstoppable hit machines from professional metal bands like Limp Bizzkit, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Staind, Seether, Trapt, E Town Concrete, Good Charlotte, KoRn and the lovable Blink 182. For good melodic perfection, I must suggest Clay Aiken and Justin Timberlake :}&#33;&#33;&#33; Don&#39;t buy thi album unless you suffer from insomnia, it&#39;ll put u to sleep before the first song is over&#33;&#33; Peace out peeps...

    He is also highly prolific and has almost as many reviews as David. Heres his review for Blink 182 album, Blink 182

    Underground Modern Punk December 10, 2003
    Yo punk rawk peeps of da street, how ya&#39;s doing?? By now, everyone in media loves and supports punk rawk muzik. It seems you can&#39;t turn on late night TV without hearing a peppy, jolly, upbeat punk tune in a commercial selling you everything from dog food to mouth wash&#33;&#33; well Blink 182 was a founder of the modern death metal meets punk movement, and they come back thrashing better and faster than ever on their new self titles debut album&#33;&#33; Wow, I thought their past muzik was good, but nothing prepared me for the godliness found here&#33;&#33; In the past things like "All The Small Things" were sooo amazing they inspired me to write happy punk toons of my own&#33;&#33; Well the new single "Feeling This" is a great current TRL hit that we all love. When they played it on TRL that joker Carson Daly hit himself in the head with a football and fell off the stage to show he was indeed "feeling this" as Blink rocked the excited TRL crowd&#33;&#33; I would have rated this disc higher, but some of their videos are too racy, with things like nudity and violence and I don&#39;t feel thats needed&#33;&#33; So if ya wanna be underground and trendy pick up this disc, and Top 40 Radio and TRL will thank ya later. Peace out Blinkerz...

  10. Lounge   -   #10
    funny shit here

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