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Thread: Some Jokes....

  1. #1
    The Glass Eye:
    A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
    sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
    but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
    > >
    > > Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
    towards the man.
    > >
    > > He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
    > >
    > > "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
    place.
    > >
    > > "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
    > >
    > > They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
    theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
    dreams and he shares his. She listens.
    > >
    > > After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
    her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.
    > >
    > > They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
    > >
    > > The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
    > >
    > > The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!
    > >
    > > "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
    every guy you meet?"
    > >
    > > "No," she replies.
    > >
    > >
    > >
    > > "You just happened to catch my eye."

    ____________________________________________________________________


    Generation Gap:

    The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date

    with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother

    just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!


    The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern

    times. You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.


    The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the

    grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants

    to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends

    coming over and that it is just not appropriate...


    The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show

    off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

    ____________________________________________________________________

    Warning to Women:

    I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important.

    IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND
    ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM.
    HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.

    I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

    Signed,
    The Blonde

    ____________________________________________________________________

    The Lecture:

    A cop notices a man walking down the sidewalk in a very drunken
    manner. He pulls over to the curb and asks the fellow where did he
    think he was going in his condition at 3:00 AM in the morning. The
    man said that he was going to a lecture. The cop said, who in the
    world gives a lecture at 3:00 AM in the morning. The man said,
    "my wife."

    ____________________________________________________________________

    The Old Preacher:

    An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his
    IRS agent and his lawyer, both church members, to come
    to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up
    to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher
    held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on
    each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their
    hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
    ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the
    IRS agent and the attorney were touched and flattered
    that the old preacher would ask them to be with him
    during his final moment. They were also puzzled
    because the preacher had never given any indication
    that he particularly liked either one of them.

    Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask
    the two of us to come?"

    The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said
    weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's the way I want to go

    ____________________________________________________________________

    The Wreck:

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
    >
    >After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
    >
    >There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
    >
    >Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
    >
    >"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
    >
    >Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
    >
    >The woman replies," No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

    ____________________________________________________________________
    SMARTY SMARTY HAD A PARTY NOBODY CAME BUT SMARTY

  2. Funny S**t   -   #2
    cpt_azad's Avatar Colonel
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    Aug 2003
    Location
    Surrey, BC
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    6,741
    The Wreck:

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
    >
    >After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
    >
    >There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
    >
    >Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
    >
    >"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "and look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
    >
    >Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
    >
    >The woman replies," No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

    hahah, now THAT is funny

    Jeff Loomis: He's so good, he doesn't need to be dead to have a tribute.

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