Sexist Jokes Male And Female

**CW64** · 03-04-2003, 03:20 AM

How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?
"Change it ya f***ing self!"

Why do women have two holes close together?
So you can pick 'em up, and carry them home like a six pack.

Why do women have long legs?
Ever seen the mess a snail makes?

How do you get 100 old cows into a shed?
Put a 'Bingo' sign out the front

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married"
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not", she giggles.
"Great!", he replies, "Get your own DAMN blanket!"

insanebassman · 03-04-2003, 05:14 PM

Why do men snore when they sleep on thier backs?

Thier balls cover thier asshole and they vapor lock....

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a bit sideways, but I think it fits:

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
The dad says "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom,she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,so he gets up to check on him.He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.Not wanting to wake her,he goes to the nanny's room.Finding the door locked,he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

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A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in he bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mother.
"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day, the father came home, heard noises in the bedroom, entered and found his daughter using the vibrator.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I'll never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father left the room shaking his head.
The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV."What on earth are you doing?" she cried.
The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I am having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!!"

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While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive woman sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "and today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

**Curley** · 03-04-2003, 06:35 PM

Received via a text message.....

What do men know about women?

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have tits

**DataMore** · 03-04-2003, 06:56 PM

You can give up, Curley!

Face it. You're all alone in your quest to defend women.

**Curley** · 03-04-2003, 08:00 PM

Originally posted by DataMore@4 March 2003 - 18:56
You can give up, Curley!

Face it. You're all alone in your quest to defend women.

I agree. Oh well, at least I tried

*sigh*

**Curley** · 03-04-2003, 10:39 PM

OK, I was gonna stop, but i've just had these emailed to me.

10) He said...I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love
to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you've succeeded.

7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be a king.
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen.

6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere."
Written just below it: "I do not."

5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart."

4) Priest said... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like
your late husband.
She said... 'Who's gonna look?

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said ... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the
hallway light on.

And the number one is .........

1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you said not to call you at work.

The End

**jenn** · 03-06-2003, 04:51 AM

Men are like commercials...you can't believe a word they say.
Men are like computers...hard to figure out and never enough memory.
Men are like copiers...you need them for reproduction,but that's about it.
Men are like government bonds...they take so long to mature.
Men are like lava lamps...fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like popcorn..they satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like snow storms...you never know when they're coming,how many inches you'll get or how long they will last.
Men are like laxatives...they irritate the shit out of shit.