Another Joke

[baccyman]

What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.

[baccyman]

It Hurts!



A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.


"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."


She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.


The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"


She says, "No, I'm really a blonde".


"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

[baccyman]

Oh Stewardess!!



An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess.

The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[baccyman]

A rich young man goes out and buys the best car available, a Ferrari 328. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari 328. It cost £100,000."

That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly.

The moped rider asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Of course," replies the owner.

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whizzes past, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh- BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!! The old man is badly hurt and the moped looks like it's had it.

He runs up to the old man and says, "Oh no, you're really badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my braces from your side view mirror."

[baccyman]

Expensive picture
A man was paying his lawyer a visit. The lawyer said, "I have bad news and worse news for you."
The man said, "Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife has got hold of a picture worth half a million pounds!"

"That's the bad news? What could be worse than that?" asked the man.

"Well, it's a picture of you and your secretary and now she wants a divorce."

[baccyman]

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.' And the Irishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.

[baccyman]

Of course you've heard about the Viagra computer virus, it turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

[baccyman]

The 25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,

"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[baccyman]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf".

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf".

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf".

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,

"Will you f**k off?! I'm trying to have a sh*t!

[baccyman]

The guy had taken his girl out wining and dining; coming home in the car he stops in a lay-by and gets stuck in snogging and feeling between her legs.
''Stop it,'' she says, ''I want to remain a virgin until I marry.''

''Then how about a blow-job?''

''Ugh, I'm not putting that big thing in my mouth.''

''Then how about a hand job?

''Ok. How do I do that?''

''Remember,'' says the guy. ''When you had a Coke bottle and you shook it and sprayed your friends?''

''Oh, yeah.''

''It's the same, but much gentler.''

Later the guy is foaming at the mouth, farts, gets red in the face and screams.

''What's wrong?'' The girl asks.

''TAKE YOUR FUCKING THUMB OFF THE TOP!''