Great Funny Quotes

**PMstudios_server** · 03-10-2003, 01:39 PM

I heard a great quote from Jon Stewart that I'd like to post:

"We celebrated Thanksgiving the old fashioned way, we invited the whole neighborhood over for a huge feast and then later took their land for ourselves."

Catch The Daily Show, monday through thurdsay nights on Comedy Central from 11:00-11:30.

**klite_master** · 03-10-2003, 05:55 PM

Is that a gun in your pocket, or you just happy to see me?

It's a gun.

**Afronaut** · 03-10-2003, 05:58 PM

I got few to post:

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what then, is an empty desk?" -- Albert Einstein

"Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light." -- David Ferrier

"Mac users swear by their computers. PC users swear at their computers."

"It would be just like programmers to shorten 'the year 2000 problem' to 'Y2K'-- exactly the kind of thinking that created this situation in the first place." -- Steven C. Meyer

"The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners." -- Ernest Jan Plugge

"Macintosh - we might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end." -- Douglas Adams, Author

Half the people you know are below average.
~~SWright

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
-Dorothy Parker

"You can't sell anything to anybody if he is perfectly happy with what he has........... research and developement is an organized method of keeping everybody reasonably dissatisfied with what they have."

Charles Kettering-In 1933

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves...

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size? woody allen

"Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics, I can assure you mine are still greater" -Albert Einstein

why is it always so that only future generations fully understand full potential of genius

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen,

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright

"We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors, and furniture polish is made from real lemons." -- Alfred E. Newman

"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it."

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather, because it's safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs."

"Its not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it."

"Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else."

"Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."

"All of the greatest technological inventions of man - the automobile, the airplane, the computer - says little about man's intelligence, but speaks volumes about his laziness." -- Mark Kennedy

"Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people." -- F. M. Hubbard

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it&#33

but 'That's funny...'" -- Isaac Asimov

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." -- E. B. White

"The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what 'fiction' means." -- Oscar Wilde

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." -- David Edison

"The sports page records people's accomplishments. The front page nothing but their failures." -- Justice Earl Warren

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. Well, I think my mother is attractive, but I just keep pictures of her." -- Ellen DeGeneres

"There is no idea so good it can't be ruined by a few well-placed idiots." -- Scott Adams, "Dilbert" creator

If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought." -- Dennis Roch

"Love thy neighbor as yourself, but choose your neighborhood." -- Louise Beal

"I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blond." -- Dolly Parton

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." -- Robert Frost

"Furious activity is no substitute for understanding." -- H. H. Williams

"The idea of strictly minding our own business is moldy rubbish. Who could be so selfish?" -- Myrtie Barker

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me." -- Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss)