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Thread: Damn Those Women

  1. #1
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    A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
    when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
    same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to
    the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out both of
    our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over
    and sink."

    They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
    Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and
    were swimming to the safety of shore.

    The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the
    female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach
    the shore." At this point, he realized that the female was becoming
    reluctant to follow him.

    "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
    refuse to swallow the seamen."
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  2. Funny S**t   -   #2
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    Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the old cow was killed.

    Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

    About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

    "What happened?" asked Hillary.

    "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

    "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

    The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow."
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  3. Funny S**t   -   #3
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    It's easy to understand why radical, fundamentalist Muslim terrorists
    are so quick to commit suicide. Just look at their lifestyle:


    -No premarital sex.

    -No booze. None. Never.

    -No TV. No cable TV. No satellite TV.

    -No Spice channel. No Playboy channel. No ESPN.

    -No Hooters.

    -No Sports-Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

    -No organized sports of any kind. That's right -- no sports!!!.

    -Women have to be completely covered and wear veils. No thongs.

    -No Victoria's Secret stuff.

    -Very, very few cars. Camels. Lots of camels. Stinking, filthy camels.

    -Sand. fricking sand everywhere!

    -More sand.

    -Ever try to fish at an oasis? No bass boats. No bass. No fish.

    -Sandstorms. More fricking sand everywhere!

    -Rags for clothes and hats.

    -Camel and goat burgers cooked over burning camel-dung chips.

    -Eating with your right hand only -- because you wipe yourself with your left hand. Toilet tissue considered "decadent, Western."

    Constant wailing from next door ... no...wait, that's their music!

    -And when you die it's supposed to all get better... No wonder they
    volunteer!
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  4. Funny S**t   -   #4
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    For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
    dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
    understand just how it works.

    Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman
    happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes
    and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
    expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

    Here is a guide to the points system:

    SIMPLE DUTIES

    You make the bed.....+1

    You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0

    You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1


    You leave the toilet seat up.....-5

    You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0

    When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1

    When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2


    You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5

    In the snow .....+8

    But return with beer.....-5

    And no liners.....-25


    You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0

    You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0

    You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5

    You pummel it with a six iron.....+10

    It's her cat.....-40


    AT THE PARTY

    You stay by her side the entire party.....0

    You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
    drinking buddy.....-2

    Named Tiffany.....-4

    Tiffany is a dancer.....-10

    With breast implants.....-18


    HER BIRTHDAY

    You remember her birthday.....0

    You buy a card and flowers.....0

    You take her out to dinner.....0

    You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1

    Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2

    And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3

    It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
    the colors of your favorite team.....-10


    A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

    Go with a pal.....0

    The pal is happily married.....+1

    The pal is single.....-7

    He drives a Ferrari.....-10

    With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15


    A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

    You take her to a movie.....+2

    You take her to a movie she likes.....+4

    You take her to a movie you hate.....+6

    You take her to a movie you like.....-2

    It's called Death Cop III.....-3

    Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9

    You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15


    YOUR PHYSIQUE

    You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15

    You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10

    You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
    Hawaiian shirts.....-30

    You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800


    THE BIG QUESTION

    She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

    You hesitate in responding.....-10

    You reply, "Where?".....-35

    You reply, "No, I think it's your @ss".....-100

    Any other response.....-20


    COMMUNICATION

    When she wants to talk about a problem:

    You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0

    You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5

    You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50

    You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well,
    what do you think I should do?".....-100

    You have fallen asleep.....-200


    ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

    You talk.....-100

    You don't talk.....-150

    You spend time with her......-200

    You don't spend time with her.....-500

    You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000
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  5. Funny S**t   -   #5
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    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies". So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

    The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

    After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
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  6. Funny S**t   -   #6
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    A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two
    ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game
    warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

    The Cajun replied, "Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my
    pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

    "Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim
    round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dere ice chests and
    I take dem home."

    "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

    The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's de
    truth ma' fren, I'll show you. It really works."

    "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious now.

    The Cajun poured the fish in to the bayou and stood and waited. After
    several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

    "Well, what?" said the Cajun.

    "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

    "Call who back?" the Cajun asked.

    "The FISH."

    "What fish?" the Cajun asked.
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  7. Funny S**t   -   #7
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    A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
    said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
    because, even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very
    small.

    The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

    Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
    human, it was physically impossible.

    The little girl said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I will ask Jonah."

    The teacher asked, sarcastically, "What if Jonah went to Hell?"

    The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him."
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  8. Funny S**t   -   #8
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    One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

    Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."

    The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

    This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

    "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
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  9. Funny S**t   -   #9
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    Cow-Economy:

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    ENRON CAPITALISM:
    You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows. Both are mad.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

    A HINDU CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You worship them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

    A WELSH CORPORATION
    You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.
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  10. Funny S**t   -   #10
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    Originally posted by Storm@21 August 2004 - 02:15
    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
    eh! What about ze paid leave?

    Keep them coming... The Hillary Clinton joke really made me pissing myself

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