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Thread: George W. Bush's Resume

  1. #1
    Rip The Jacker's Avatar Retired
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    GEORGE W. BUSH
    1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
    Washington, DC 20520


    EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE

    Law Enforcement:
    - I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol.
    - I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days.
    - My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

    Military:
    - I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL.
    - I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use.
    - By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

    College:
    - I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
    - I was a cheerleader!

    PAST WORK EXPERIENCE

    - I ran for US Congress and lost.
    - I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975.
    - I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
    - I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money.
    - With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

    ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS

    - I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.
    - I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
    - I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.
    - With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

    ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT

    - I am the first President in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
    - I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.
    - I spent the US surplus and effectively bankrupted the US Treasury.
    - I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in US history.
    - I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
    - I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
    - I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the US stock market.
    - In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month.
    - I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.
    - I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by a US President.
    - I am the all-time US and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate ca! mpaign donations.
    - My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in US History, Enron.
    - My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the US Supreme Court during my election decision.
    - I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.
    - I presided over the biggest energy crisis in US history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.
    - I presided over the highest gasoline prices in US history.
    - I changed the US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
    - I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in US history.
    - I creat! ed the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government.
    - I've broken more international treaties than any President in US history.
    - I am the first President in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.
    - I withdrew the US from the World Court of Law.
    - I refused to allow inspector's access to US "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.
    - I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 US election).
    - I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television.
    - I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.
    - After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in US history.
    - I garnered the most sympathy ever for the US after the World Trade! Center attacks and less than a year later made the US the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.
    - I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
    - I am the first President in US history to order an unprovoked, preemptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the United Nations, the majority of US citizens, and the world community.
    - I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families in wartime.
    - In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends.
    - I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to ! world peace and security.
    - I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.
    - I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

    RECORDS AND REFERENCES

    - All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
    - All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
    - All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

    PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004!

    PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERY VOTER YOU KNOW!


    Just thought I'd share this with you guys. If I find a John Kerry resume, I'll post it too.

  2. Lounge   -   #2
    FvKin GeniuS :D
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  3. Lounge   -   #3
    cpt_azad's Avatar Colonel
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    loved it, and ya, OWN3D

    Jeff Loomis: He's so good, he doesn't need to be dead to have a tribute.

  4. Lounge   -   #4
    Cool read, I learned some stuff

  5. Lounge   -   #5
    Yogi's Avatar Super Undulator
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    Now i wanna see Kerry accomplish that in four years............


    Btw it seems Kerry's resume was stolen by the CIA.


    They are still trying to find out what all those difficult words mean.



    YoBiasWithAreason


    To be honest: i found several "humorous" kerry resume's on rightwing sites,

    but i like bushbashing way moore....................hihi.
    Last edited by Yogi; 10-28-2004 at 06:40 AM.

  6. Lounge   -   #6
    hippychick's Avatar Memo, what memo? BT Rep: +5
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    Then there's Kerry's resume...lol There both bad choices...But I would go for Kerry b4 bush...


    JOB APPLICATION NAME: John Kerry

    RESIDENCE:

    7 mansions, including one in Washington DC, worth

    multi-millions. I served in Vietnam (four months).



    EXPERIENCE:

    Law Enforcement. In my career as a U.S. Senator, I've voted to cut

    every law enforcement, CIA, and Defense bill. I ordered the city of

    Boston to remove a fire hydrant in front of my mansion, thereby

    endangering my neighbors in the event of fire. I served in Vietnam

    (four months).



    MILITARY:

    I served in Vietnam (four months). I used three minor injuries to get

    an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam (as

    documented by the attending doctor). I served in Vietnam (four

    months). I then returned to the U.S., joined Jane Fonda in protesting

    the war,and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed

    atrocities and were baby killers. I served in Vietnam (four months). I

    threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My

    book "Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier", shows

    how I truly feel about the military. I served in Vietnam (four months).



    COLLEGE:

    I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my

    counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get

    admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A



    PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

    After College and Vietnam, I ran for the U.S. Congress and have been

    there ever since. I have no real world experience except marrying

    very rich women and running their companies vicariously through them. I

    served in Vietnam (four months).



    ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

    As a U.S. Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting

    record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have

    consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against their

    budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I

    voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I

    voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no

    plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I

    am elected. I served in Vietnam (four months). I will never catch up. I

    make little or no charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any

    voluntary excess taxes in Massachusetts, despite family wealth in excess

    of $ 700 million. I served in Vietnam (four months). I (we) own 28

    manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia,

    Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost

    of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all

    of the other jobs out of Country. I served in Vietnam (four months).

    Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy

    and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard. I served in

    Vietnam (four months).



    RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

    None. However, I served in Vietnam (four months).



    PERSONAL:

    I practice my Catholic faith whenever cameras are present. I ride a

    Serotta Bike. I love to ski/snowboard. I call my Gulfstream V Jet

    The "Flying Squirrel". I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel

    yacht the "Scarmouche". I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it

    reflects our real culture. I own several "Large" SUVs including one

    parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large, polluting,

    inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for our energy problems. I

    served in Vietnam (four months).



    PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE WHEN VOTING IN 2004

  7. Lounge   -   #7
    Busyman's Avatar Use Logic Or STFU!!!
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    Hilarious!!!

    I love the ..."I served in Vietnam (four months)"...over and over.

    Simply hilarious...
    Silly bitch, your weapons cannot harm me. Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, Bitchhhh!

    Flies Like An Arrow, Flies Like An Apple
    ---12323---4552-----
    2133--STRENGTH--8310
    344---5--5301---3232

  8. Lounge   -   #8
    bujub22's Avatar THE GREAT
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    qoute from mad tv debate

    ok senater kerry let's talk about the irag war

    kerry- i thought we were'nt goin to talk about vietnam!!




  9. Lounge   -   #9
    Quote Originally Posted by hippychick
    I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although I blame George Bush for sending all of the other jobs out of Country.
    you know, there was a thread on FST where people were arguing about the ethical value of Heinz owning ketchup factories overseas, but i think it got deleted when the forum malf'ed? anyway, i bumped into this article and wondered if anyone had bothered to bring up the point that the Kerrys don't actually own Heinz or any Heinz factories.

    http://www.snopes.com/politics/kerry/heinz.asp

    AH, NOSTALGIA.
    Last edited by 3RA1N1AC; 11-07-2004 at 08:59 PM.

  10. Lounge   -   #10
    Smith's Avatar Since 1989.. BT Rep: +1
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    The george bush one is good, but the John Carrey one is halarious

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