Hawaii Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold in High Priced Malls. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign
lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a saguaro cactus in front.
Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic
ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.
Arizonia Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan
and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation
or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can
swear in English, Spanish or Chinese. Available at Target.
New York Barbie
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a
'78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only
available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small
bills,unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Illinois Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
H2.Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club
membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny.
University Park Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's.
Louisiana Barbie
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants
to major in NASCAR at Eastfield College. She has a six-pack of Coors Light
and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick
mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and
get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Ross or at
special locations in New Orleans on First Mondays.
Nevada Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out
of Kanas Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise
acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a see-through halter
top.Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart.
Cheap.
Colorado Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print spandex
and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. Into
crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and botox. Also cheap.
Tennesee Barbie
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a G.E.D. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy were
available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the
infant.
California Barbie
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She
prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if
you purchase two San Fransico Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a
rainbow flag sticker free.
North Carolina Barbie
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in every way.
We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on
business. N.C. Barbie aspires to become S.C. Barbie. Not cheap, but still
very naive.
Virgina Barbie
Into football, animals and bonfires. 98% belong to a cult, 2% are free
thinking and void of any "traditions." Does nothing but complain about
Washington Barbie.
New Mexico Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This
is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform
and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet
available for New Mexico Barbie or Ken. Available at Carnival Stores only.
Washinton Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to "experiment".
Doesn't understand why Virgina Barbie complains so much
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that's fuckin hilarious
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