a bit of a laugh pt 2

[cpt_azad]

oh noez! repost! what will we do!

[baccyman]

How Dogs and Women are the Same:
Both look stupid in hats.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have "hip" problems.

Neither understand football.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Neither believe that silence is golden.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

Both put too much value on kissing.



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How Dogs and Men are the Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Neither does dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

___________________________________________________________________

Once upon a time
In a land far away
A beautiful, independent
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
A frog hopped into the princess's lap And said: Elegant lady,
I was once a handsome prince
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper young prince that I am;
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And set up housekeeping in yon castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
And forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, As the princess dined sumptuously
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine & onion cream sauce,
She chuckled and said softly to herself:

"I don't friggin' think so!"



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Little Van is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Van.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board."

[cpt_azad]

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board."

lmfao

[baccyman]

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."



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A man goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asks, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

The next day the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife on the phone yesterday for over three hours. You want my advice?"

The man anxiously answers, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

[thecreator89]

The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay."

you know, einstein didn't talk till 4 years old-- similar story!!!

[baccyman]

Masturbata.

Sitting in my house, and I know that I'm alone,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bone
Go and grab a Penthouse it's the one with Sharon Stone
Hey Masturbata!

I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nice,
Once ain't enough so I have to do it twice
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advice
Hey Masturbata!

I use some baby oil or a little Vaseline,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet clean
Never shake my hand cause you don't know where its been
Hey Masturbata!

I do it in the car when I'm driving down the street,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meat
I can't get out the car cause I'm sticking to the seat
Hey Masturbata!

Since I was a kid I have been a masturbater,
Choke the chicken; hum the knob, squeezing the tomato
I've looked at Ms. November now I'm gonna decorate her
Hey, Masturbata!

Buffing the banana, Mr. Lizard shaking bacon,
Pounding on the flounder and its mayonnaise I'm makin'.
Spank the frank, wax the carrot, god my hand is achin'.
Hey, Masturbata!

[tesco]

@ the last one.

hey, mastrbata!

[cpt_azad]

The man anxiously answers, "Yes."

"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

lmfao

[baccyman]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be, that one of us is Chinese.
It’s either my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or my youngest brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it’s Colin.



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A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Alabama. Upon entering a church, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call.

[cpt_azad]

"Son, you're in the South now, and it's a local call."

lmfao