a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."



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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.
They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and, upon graduation, became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of these two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why, Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

[ziggyjuarez]

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

i would like some of this juice

[baccyman]

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"



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Jacob Levy had finished his sales rounds for the week and had done very well. So he thought he would give himself a justly deserved reward and went to a brothel.
The Madam said, "Well, you can have this nice Chinese girl over there for $5, then I have a redhead for $10 and this terrific blonde for $15."

Jacob decided to spend $10.

More than thirty years later, Jacob's wife died and he felt lonely, so once again he went to the brothel. He recognized the redhead who was now the Madam, and there was a loud reunion. Whereupon a huge man of about 30 appeared and called out, "Mom, is this guy bothering you?"

"No, no," said the Madam, "in fact, John, I'd like you to meet your father."

"What?" said John, 'this little Jewish guy's my father?"

To which Jacob responded, "Watch your manners! If I hadn't been so generous, you'd have been a Chinaman."

[ziggyjuarez]

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

does have truth to it

[ilw]

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply. "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called Pope Secola."

non comprende,

[cpt_azad]

lol

[ilw]

oh its just dawned on me, but i would never pronounce secola like that + everyone just calls it pepsi.

weak

[baccyman]

This Blond was flying to Tahiti and noticed that
the First Class section wasn't full, so she went
to first class for a seat. An attendant saw what
happened and went to her and told her that First
Class was for first class ticketed passengers
only, and she would have to return to coach. The
Blond said "I'm Blond, I'm beautiful, I'm flying
to Tahiti and I'm not moving!".

The attendant went up front and told her partner
what happened. The second attendant said "Let me
try" and went to the Blond and told her that
first class was for first class passengers only,
and since she only had a coach ticket, she would
have to return to coach. The Blonde said "I'm
Blond, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to Tahiti and
I'm not moving!".

The two attendants stewed over this and their
supervisor asked what the problem was. They told
the supervisor the problem and the supervisor
said "I'll handle it". The supervisor talked to
the Blond a bit, then leaned over and whispered
in her ear. The Blond said "Oh! I didn't know
that." and got up and went back into coach.

The two attendants asked the supervisor how she
did it, and the supervisor said "It was nothing,
I just told her that First Class didn't go to
Tahiti".
_____________________________________________________________

Q: What's the difference between a blonde an a
bowling ball?

A: You can only fit three fingers in a bowling
ball.
_________________________________________________________________


Three sisters wanted to get married, but their
parents couldn't afford it so they had it on the
same day. They also couldn't afford to go on a
honeymoon so they stayed home. That night the
mother got up becuse she couldn't sleep. When she
went by her oldest daughter's room she heard
screaming. Then she went to her second daughters
room and she heard laughing. Then she went to her
youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear
anything. So the next morning when the men left
the mother asked her oldest daughter. "Why were
you screaming last night?" The daughter said
"Mom you always told me if something hurt I
should scream."

"Thats true." She looked at her second daughter.
"Why were you laghing last night?"

The daughter said "Mom you always said that if
something tickled you should laugh."

"Thats also true." Then the mother looked at her
youngest daughter. "Why was it so quiet in your
room last night?"

The youngest daughter said "Mom you always told
me I should never talk with my mouth full."

[baccyman]

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog. As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry."

So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.

Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she could find!



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Here's A Concise Sex Manual For Computer Experts:
1. Be user friendly.

2. Take bytes. (nibbles..hehe)

3. Fondle joystick.

4. Spread sheet.

5. Fix surge protector.

6. Activate hardware.

7. Insert disc, all the way. (yes! yes!)

8. Do it 'til it megabytes.

9. Back it up.

10. Eject floppy.

[baccyman]

The residents of a southern town keep falling down a deep hole in the middle of the sidewalk on Main Street and always end up dying because the nearest hospital is 40 miles away. The mayor calls a town meeting to address the issue and asks for suggestions. “We need our own hospital!” says one local. “That’s beyond our budget,” answers the mayor. “Anyone else?” “I gots a perfect idea,” says another hick. “Just dig the hole next to the hospital.”