a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story, too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"



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Two sisters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.
Finally the 12-year-old said to her 8-year-old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel!"



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How Government Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

[cpt_azad]

So they laid off the night watchman.

[baccyman]

A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen.
There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says,

"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?"

Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see."

Well, what the hell? She does it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

"So, so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all five inches longer."



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The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said, "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design...does it also come in men's sizes?"

[zedaxax]

Thanks baccy
i just posted this http://www.filesharingtalk.com/vb3/n90335-.html
as a result of one of your jokes.

[baccyman]

Thanks baccy
i just posted this http://www.filesharingtalk.com/vb3/n90335-.html
as a result of one of your jokes.

your welcome

[baccyman]

Jerry’s at the urinal in an airport restroom when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey, buddy–can you help me out here?" Though he feels uneasy, Jerry bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, and reaches in to pull out the guy’s penis. Much to his horror, it’s hideous. It’s moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful. Imagining the kudos he’ll get on Judgment Day, Jerry holds the man’s unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man’s pants and zips him up. The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." "No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask—What the hell’s wrong with your johnson?" The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."

[cpt_azad]

The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don’t know, but I sure as hell ain’t touching it."

[baccyman]

An elderly lady phoned Verizon to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always barked right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog barked loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and collar.

2. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

3. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and then urinate on the ground.

4. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.



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Because he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said walking up to her, "but in a little while, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. I would like to have someone to share it with. Will you come home with me?"

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.



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A middle aged couple is watching TV when an Evangalist comes on and promises to heal the sick.
"If only you would pray with him and place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on the afflicted area."

So the man places his right hand in the air and his left hand on his crotch.

Seeing this, his wife says, "Gee honey, he said 'heal the sick', not raise the dead!"

[baccyman]

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming.
When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"

The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."



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An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife, "Up or down?"
His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.

The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife, "Up or down?" But this time she merely answers, "Down."

Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.

She replies that last week she wasn't wearing her hearing aid and thought he said "F*ck or drown."

[cpt_azad]

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

ownag3