a bit of a laugh pt 2

[cpt_azad]

hahahaha

[baccyman]

A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.
"That customer is going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his manager. "Should I give him his money back?"

"Money back?" roared the manager... "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat!"



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An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

[baccyman]

A friend of mine used alcohol as a substitute for women. You know what happened?
He got his penis stuck in the neck of the bottle!

[baccyman]

The Facts:
From The Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior In The Human Male"

98% of males (including married men) admitted to masturbating.

Average: 3 times per week. (and... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery)

Current population - 132,090,689 Men in the United States

ASSUMPTIONS:

1. It takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.

LET'S DO THE NUMBERS:

132,090,689 men in the United States X 3 wack-offs/week = 396,272,067 wack-offs/week

6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week

396,272,067 wack-offs/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

393,127 wack-offs/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 385,265 wack-offs/ten-minute-period

CONCLUSION:

At any given moment (on average), 385,265 men in the United States are wacking-off.

So, be careful who you shake hands with!



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Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener.
The first Newfie turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the Newfie. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second Newfie. Exasperated and starving, the first Newfie digs into the sandwiches.

Suddenly, the second Newfie pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not freaking going!"

[baccyman]

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, "Run...run!"
The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, "R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, "He didn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk proud!"



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A newly wed couple had just had an argument coming home from the reception. Driving along in silence they pass a farm with all kinds of animals on it. Breaking the silence, the husband asks: "Relatives?" and without missing a beat the wife replies: "Yes, in-laws."


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A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"

"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."

[baccyman]

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she should have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.


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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."



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An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

"I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"

[baccyman]

Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil dropped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.
Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiousity, and asked, "What the hell's that string for?"

"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda," Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't get it up? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my unit, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."



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What is a CAT?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!

CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.

[baccyman]

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries.
The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads towards the back of the store.

"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't need the batteries."



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A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras.
He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop.

The saleslady said, "May I help you, sir?"

When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady, but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in the room."

[baccyman]

John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?"

Susan: "Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"



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On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.
When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?"

[baccyman]

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip.
"Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?"

"Well, the child was born without a penis."

"Oh my goodness!" said the gossip, and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news.

Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear, "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years!"



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A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face here! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"