a bit of a laugh pt 2

[tesco]

(...) He had been counting the years off on his calendar (...)

He couldn't count his own age in his head.

[baccyman]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on 'Science & Nature.' Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so. The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her privates.
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

[baccyman]

Redneck Sexual IQ Test
A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False

Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False

A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False

Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False

Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False

Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False

Fetus is a character on Gun smoke. True or False

An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False

A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False

A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False

An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

Pornography is the business of making records. True or False

Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False

[baccyman]

Mattel recently announced the release of 11 limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Memphis market:

Germantown Barbie

This princess Barbie is sold only at Wolfchase Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with an augmented version.

Bartlett Barbie

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Orange Mound Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Houston Levee Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Horn Lake Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

River Bluff Barbie

This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available.

Frayser Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Raleigh Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Midtown Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Overton Square Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Whitehaven Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Southaven Barbie

She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always hunting.

Overton Park Barbie/Ken

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

[cpt_azad]

Whitehaven Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

[ziggyjuarez]

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor...
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

I think this is possable in real life

[ziggyjuarez]

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive...
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

sounds like someone i know would do

[baccyman]

A man went to visit his friend and sees a strange
machine in the middle of his living room. He
asks, "What is that?" His friend replies, "It is
a sex machine." " Oh, how does it work?" " Just
stick your dick in, insert a quarter, and it will
jerk you off!" So the guy immediately wants to
try it. The friend says ok and tells him he is
going to get a drink of water from the kitchen
while he does his thing.

Suddenly the friend hears a loud shriek. He runs
back and asks, "What's the matter? Did you insert
a quarter?" The guy says, "I didn’t have a
quarter so I inserted a dime!"

"But for a dime, it only sharpens pencils!"
replies the friend.
___________________________________________________

A small white guy went into an elevator, when he
got in he noticed a huge black guy standing next
to him. The big black guy looked down upon the
small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy fainted!

The huge black dude picked up the little white
guy and brought him to, slapping his face and
shaking him. He asked the small white guy,
"What's wrong?" Our petite friend said, "Excuse
me, but what did you say?" The black giant
looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The white
guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said
'Turn around!!'"

____________________________________________________

A South African, an Aussie & a Londoner were
sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer, downs it,
tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and
shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the
other two, puts the gun on the bar and says "In
Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we nefer drink
out of the same glass twice."

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass
into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots
the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and
proclaims, "Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand
which makes glass really cheap so we too never
drink out of the same glass twice."

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes
his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up
the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South
African and says "In London we have so many South
Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink
with the same ones twice"

[baccyman]

Why is it difficult to find men who are
sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

_______________________________________

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex
aids shop and asked in a quavering voice,
"Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes
h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little
old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh,
yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands
about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave
an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that
size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then
asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is
b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about
that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes ma'am, one of them does."

"Well th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

____________________________________________________

One day Peggy Sue was in bed with her lover when
her husband came home unexpectedly. She told her
lover to get in the corner and she quickly
proceeded to rub baby oil all over him and then
sprinkle talcum powder on him. "Stay right here
and don't move a muscle until I tell you it's
ok," she told him.

A few minutes later her husband came walking into
the room. "What the heck is this in the corner?"
he asks her.

"Oh that's a new statue I just bought," she
replied. "The Smith's have one just like it in
their bedroom and I liked it so much I went out
and bought one for myself."

Nothing more was said about the statue, not even
when they finally got ready and went to bed.

About 2:00 in the morning, the husband got up and
went downstairs and got himself a sandwich and a
glass of milk. When he got back up to the
bedroom, he handed the sandwich & milk to the
statue and said "Here, you might as well have
this. I spent 3 days at the Smith's house and
nobody so much as offered me a glass of water."

[ziggyjuarez]

One day Peggy Sue was in bed with her lover ...
nobody so much as offered me a glass of water."

This makes no sence.I would have said "This is a shitty statue and threw it out the fucking window