a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?



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An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly... "You see, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

[baccyman]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."



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A beautiful actress’ long-time agent discovered one day that she’d been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client, hadn’t dreamed that she had been so readily available. He approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date. She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars, just like the rest of her clients.
Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don’t I even get my agent’s ten percent as a discount?"

"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."

Her agent wasn’t all that happy with her attitude, but lust won out and he agreed.

When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.

Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they engaged in another steamy bout of sex. Towards one a.m. she was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and, by now highly impressed at her partner’s virility, she whispered in the darkness, "My God, you’re a stud! I had no idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."

"I’m not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "He’s at the door selling tickets."

[baccyman]

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”



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By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travellers assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[baccyman]

Women's Advice to Men

The reason why our bras don't always match our
underwear is because WE actually change our
underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about
armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of
you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive
questions on your payday.

Don't fret if you find out that the milkman
delivers more than once a day.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional
to the number of baths you take.

The next time you joke about female drivers,
research the number of accidents caused by
rubber-necking mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends
keep track of "who's easy"?

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay:
we don't care.

Start parting and combing your hair to one side
early in life - you'll never see the 'island'
coming.

Your contributions to your child should go above
and beyond that Y chromosome you unselfishly
sacrificed.

Eye contact is best established above our
shoulder-level.

Your balding is a good thing - it subsidizes our
hair care expenses.
_____________________________________________________

The difference between men and women in one
paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep narrow mountain
road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out
the window and yells, "Pig!"

The man immediately leans out the window and
replies, "Bitch!"

They each continue on their way, and as the
man rounds the next corner, he crashes into
a pig in the middle of the road.
___________________________________________________

Three men were fishing in a boat, all of a sudden,
one of the guys thought he got a bite and realed
in a Genie's Lamp. He rubbed off the seaweed and
a Genie popped out. "Since there are 3 of you, I
will give you each one wish!" said the Genie. The
1st guy says "I want to be 100 times smarter than
I am right now" Poof! and he started rattling off
all these math problems that he never knew before.
The 2nd guy says, "Well, I want to be 100 times
smarter than him (#1)" Poof! he starts rattling
off all these Calculas problems that the other
guy didn't know. The 3rd guy says "Well, I wanna
be 1000 times smarter than both of them put
togather!" Poof! and the Genie turned him into a
Woman!!!!!!

[baccyman]

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

[baccyman]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards him. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, " business... I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,"What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she replied "I'm the lead lecturer and I use information I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

She explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most apt to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that

Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I've also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am so sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

[baccyman]

Big cats can be dangerous,
but a little pussy never hurt anybody.



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[baccyman]

In 1850 California became a state. Back then, the state had no electricity, no money, there were gun fights in the middle of the streets, and almost everyone spoke Spanish. So it was just like California today. Only back then the women had real tits.


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A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it?" The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies "Buy a big one and wait"


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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[baccyman]

''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''



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One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.

Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

[ziggyjuarez]

''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''



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