a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. Its past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."



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A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .

"SH*T... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[baccyman]

This is how lotteries really work:
A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off." "Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

[baccyman]

The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a national crisis.
They have plenty of rackets...but no balls!!



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A guy is out with his buddies-has a few drinks-is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks-"What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

[baccyman]

Almost 150 yrs. ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? ‘FATASS’.

[ziggyjuarez]

ha

[baccyman]

Here are a few answers to commonly asked pregnancy questions by both men and women. First, the questions from women:
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

And, from men:

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Only if the words "alimony" and "child support" scare you.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.



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An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.
So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."

[baccyman]

The pope was on a trip to California. He got a
very sporty pope-mobile for this trip. He begged
the chauffer to let him drive. Finnally the
chauffer gave in and let the pope drive. Of
course, the pope went crazy and was going too
fast. Finally he ran a stop light and was pulled
over by a policeman. The cop called his station
to ask them what to do because he just pulled
over somebody very, very important. His sargent
asked who, our mayor, a movie star, or what?? The
cop replied, " Well I'm not sure who, but he must
be really important because the pope is his
chauffer!!"
____________________________________________________
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the
owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no"
on his penis.

The owner agreed and the tattooing was underway.

When the job was complete, the man thought his
new tattoo looked great and he paid for the
service.

That night when the man went home he approached
his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his
pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his
aroused organ displaying his new tattoo.

He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think
of my new tattoo?"

She said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me
how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the
laundry...and now you are going to put words
in my mouth!?!?!"
__________________________________________________

A young man, in the course of his college life,
came to terms with his homosexuality and decided
to 'come out of the closet'. His plan was to
tell his mother first; so on his next home
visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother
was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden
spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that
he had realized he was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother
said, 'You mean, homosexual?'

'Well...yes.'

Still without looking up: 'Does that mean you
suck men's penises?'

Caught off guard, the young man eventually
managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative;
whereupon his mother turned to him and,
brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under
his nose, snapped:
'Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!'

[baccyman]

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"



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A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about the way of life there.
REPORTER:

Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?

SCOTSMAN:

Certainly...

REPORTER:

Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?

SCOTSMAN:

Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.

You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.

And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't.

But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....

[ziggyjuarez]

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"



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A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish ....
But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....

[baccyman]

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned Water into Wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"


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Human Resources Policy
Subject: Human Resources Policy
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?

INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that

INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

18 TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:
He's a d___k.

Thank You,

Human Resources