a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid said, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" Kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid said, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing."
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When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"



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A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color.

She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"

The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

[maebach]

your the best man

[baccyman]

thanks

[baccyman]

Once there was a penguin on his way to Arizona for
a holiday. On his way, he noticed that his car had
high oil pressure so he stopped to see what
the problem was.

On realizing that his car had an oil leak he
pulls into the next town to a garage. While it is
being fixed he decides to look around the town.

Being a penguin, he decides that a nice cold
ice-cream could be good, but not having any hands
he gets himself into quite a mess trying to eat
it with his little flippers.

When he goes back to the garage to pick up his
car, he asks the mechanic "What's the problem?"
The mechanic looks up and says "Looks like you
blew a seal"

"Oh, no, no," the penguin replies looking
embarrassed "That's just ice-cream"
_______________________________________________

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with
stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, and getting
in and out past incredible security, he was
captured only two blocks away when his Econoline
ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!

[baccyman]

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."



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Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

[baccyman]

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a REAL vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they headed for the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on their beach chairs, enjoying a drink when all of a sudden this "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help staring.

As she passed by she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father, Good Morning, Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. This time they were so loud, you could hear them coming before you could see them. Again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blond came strolling by. This time her bikini was even more daring. They were really glad that they were wearing sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.

As she approached, she again nodded and said, "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it. "Wait, please young lady. Yes, we are priests and proud of it, but I have to know - how in the world could you tell that we are both priests?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela."

[lcrt]

Bill Clinton is sitting next to a White House
intern one day at a gathering. The President says
to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval office
and see my clock?"

She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so."

The President replies, "Please. I'd really like to
show it to you."

"No, Mr. President, I really can't."

"Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a
minute."

"All right. If it won't take long."

They go to the Oval Office. The President sits
down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick.

The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a cock"

To which the President says, "If you put two hands
and a face on it, it's a clock sweetheart."

nice

[baccyman]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor smiled, "It'll help keep the sheets off his legs."



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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him.

" The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

[baccyman]

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

[baccyman]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own." Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?" "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Tom asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, Wake up! You're ****tin' all over the bed!"