a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
It's for the Christmas period.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.
The brunette sees her husband, and he is carrying flowers.

The brunette says to the blonde "Now I'm going to have to spread my legs!"

The blonde then asked, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

[baccyman]

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

[baccyman]

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is? In France they say
"It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say
Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.

"Yes, I see," he says. "And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"

[baccyman]

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying
three ducks. One in each hand and one under his
left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few
drinks and chats with the Bartender. The
Bartender is experienced and has learned not to
ask people about the animals that they bring into
the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They
chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the
ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are
left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is
an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try
to make some conversation. "What's your name?"
He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the first
duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely
day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
day". "Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's
your name?". "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's
your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had
a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I
had the chance another day I would do the same
again".

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says
"So, you must be Louie". "No", growls the third
duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
fucking day".

[baccyman]

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.
He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "That's just like my Harry's."

"You mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young, flat-chested woman discovered the fabled magic lamp, and sure enough, when she rubbed it, out popped a magic genie, ready to grant her a single wish.
"I want two of the biggest boobs in the whole world!" she said.

The genie nodded, waved his hand, and, all of a sudden *poof!* there was a great cloud of smoke.

When it had cleared, the woman saw, standing beside her, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'"

[baccyman]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.
The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?"

The cowboy turned back and said,

"I had to walk home!"

[baccyman]

THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air or beneath the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tire is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"Wow, man! How do you know all that?" asked one American.

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the f**king thing about half an hour ago."

[baccyman]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to Titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"

[baccyman]

Two kids playing in a lane found a donkey who had died with a hard on. Being the mischievous kind of boys, they cut off the donkey's dick and began brandishing it in the air. Just then a police officer on his bicycle came up the lane, and the boys not wanting to be caught with it tossed it over the wall of the Nunnery.
Sister Agnes and Sister Mary taking their afternoon stroll found the dick in the bushes. "Oh sweet Lord!" says Sister Agnes.

"What's wrong?" asks Sister Mary. "You've gone as white as a sheet."

"It's those dirty protestant bastards," Sister Agnes replies. "They have murdered Father O'Toole!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died.
When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"

His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"

[baccyman]

Police are investigating Richard Whiteley's death , they suspect vowel play. Poor old richard - at least he went out with a 9 letter word - Pneumonia

Richard Whiteley's funeral music - Europe - The final countdown