a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



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A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about Herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "what the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you Tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No," she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."



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A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."

Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."

[baccyman]

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.

While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."



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A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!"



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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[baccyman]

An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist’s office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"
"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.

"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."



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A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid son-of-a-bitch, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

[baccyman]

In Texas, "feminie protection" means a concealed, pink, Glock 9 mm.
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A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor?"
One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?"

"I've been stung by a bee."

"Oh really, where?"

"Between the first and second hole"

"Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."



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A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman.
"How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty."

"Ah, huh, huh, I plead ze-not guilty," replied the man.

"On what grounds?" queried the judge.

"Ah, huh, huh, I did not think she that she was dead... I thought she was Brittish."

[baccyman]

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."



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Dad's Dating Rules!
Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[baccyman]

An old man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his! wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "JUST GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"



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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."



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A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

[baccyman]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in
the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome
by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have
you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into
the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him
out of the water and asks again. "Have you found
Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks
the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him
down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his
arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again
asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and
says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[baccyman]

Like, A Totally California State Residency Application... man...
Name:
(Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil", "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

Age: _____________

Inner Child's Age: _______

Age in Dog Years: _______

Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________

Sex:

_____ M _____ F

_____ Hermaphrodite

_____ Still working it out in therapy

Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot

Condition of Feet:

____ Wash Daily ____ Wash Weekly

____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man...

Occupation:
___ Massage Therapist
___ Astral Counsel
___ Pet Psychologist
___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful)
___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts
___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia
___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
___ Rent-A-Mob protester
___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
___ LA rock star groupie
___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
___ Professional Emotional Victim

Name(s) of Significant Other(s):

________________________________
Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):

: ____ Astral Soulmate

____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the rent was cheap

____ My dog's massage therapist

____ "Just Friends"

____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them as tax deduction(s)

Number of Children in Commune: _____

Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____

Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of

Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____

Mother's Name: ____________________

Father's Name: ____________________

Where were you were conceived:

____ Woodstock

____ Monterey

____ Under the stars on in the commune's hot tub

____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show

Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:

Number of copies sold: ____

Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____

Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on wind chimes: ___

Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____

Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____

Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:

____ Donahue ____ Ricki Lake ____ Geraldo ____ Sally Jesse ____ The morning news' surf report

Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____

Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____

Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on tour")

Number of bongs you own: ____

Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out:

Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have personalities)

____ Green Party
____ American Communist Party
____ Socialist Party
____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
____ Hemp Party
____ The Party-Hearty Party
____ Inner Child Abuse Hotline Party
____ New Age Goddess Party

How far is your home from the waterline:
___ Miles
___ Yards
___ Feet
___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

Number of surfboards owned: ____

Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally", "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like, totally don't know)

[baccyman]

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a
senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their
generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world,"
the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear, "today
we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the
moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing .. and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer
said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were
young; ......so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are
you doing for the next generation??"

I love senior citizens.

[baccyman]

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 2004 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer



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There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............