a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve. . . we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants). A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God, as our first parent, asked?

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said,

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."



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Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."

[baccyman]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the U. S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and will have been given only the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq would be over IN A WEEK.



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Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen. Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's asked the elderly lady-- "Mrs. Goldberg how are you feeling?"
For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a terrible stare and then she said -- "You ask me how I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm feeling!! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible headaches and stomach pains too!"

The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with compassion, "If you're feeling so awful, why don't you come and see me right away?"

Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was just waiting until I felt a little better."

[baccyman]

A Survey was conducted as to why men like blow jobs:
10% liked the feeling

12% liked the dominance

78% liked the f**king silence



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As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."



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HER side of the story:
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it may have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it. Don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting funny. I was getting really worried; what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was really bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So, anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arms around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant, because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then, after about 10 minutes he joined me, and, to my surprise, we made love! But he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards, even though I wanted to comfort him, I didn't. I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

HIS Side of the Story

Played badly today - shot a 93 - can't putt for shit!

Felt kinda tired.

Got laid, though

[baccyman]

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"



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As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.

"I had him arrested," I replied.

My friend paused for a second and asked, "How badly did he play?"



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Two morons are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down.
Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?" The two idiots say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."

The schmuck wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says "40 feet" and walks away.

The first moron says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the height, not the width."

[cpt_azad]

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

hahahah gross

[baccyman]

An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first time. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed. Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to his office to talk about his findings.
The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results. She then said she really only had one question for him.

The doctor said, “What is the question you have?”

“Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?”



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The Oil Shortage Explained
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer:

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know that we were getting low.

The reason for this is purely geographical......

All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico, etc.,

All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC!



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Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, wearing a string bikini with no tan lines.
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian."

[baccyman]

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks. "Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings." "Ouch," she blurts. Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires. St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo." Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to hell." He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!" The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"

[baccyman]

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".

The lady asked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".

The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[baccyman]

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says, "I must tell you something; We have a case of gonorrhea."
A nun in the back says, "Thank God, I am tired of Zinfandel."



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This next joke was told to me on my trip to Alaska. Every tourguide told the same story just a little different.
The California/Oregon State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Truckee, Kirkwood, and Yosemite areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.



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The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor had to take a paper bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

[baccyman]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr.Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!



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This guy couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so he called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?"

"Denver."



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Saddam's Other Relatives!
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay ..............the restaurateur
Guday.................the half-Australian brother
Huray.................the sports fanatic
Sashay................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.......the twins from the African mother
Sayhay................the baseball player
Ojay..................the stalker/murderer
Gulay.................the singer/entertainer
Ebay..................the internet czar
Biliray...............the country music star
Ecksray...............the radiologist
Puray.................the blender factory owner
Regay.................the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.................the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Lattay.................the coffee shop owner
Bufay..................the 300 pound sister
Dushay.................the clean sister
Phayray................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway...............the grocery store owner
Ollay..................the half-Mexican sister
Gudlay.................the prostitute

And Finally:

There is Oyvay..... but the family doesn't like to talk about him much.