a bit of a laugh pt 2

[scribblec]

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' ....

....so, here we are!"

[cpt_azad]

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' ....

....so, here we are!"

lmfao

[baccyman]

I'll admit I may not be the best at oral sex;
but why does my wife keep rubbing my nose in it?



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A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, "OK."

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"



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Dear friends,
Many of us over 40 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

[cpt_azad]

Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

lmfao

[ziggyjuarez]

Strategic Warning!
This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan -- Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.

It's getting ugly

[baccyman]

This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.
During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"



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A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame."
Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."

A short while later, the woman orders two more shots. Again, she downs the first one and mumbles, "This is for the shame."

Then, she downs the second one and mumbles, "This is for the glory."

Finally, the bartender leans over and asks, "Ma'am, I was just wondering... what's this about shame and glory?"

"Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework in the nude. And, when I bent over to pick up the vacuum, my Great Dane mounted me from behind."

"That must be the shame," the bartender smirked.

"No, that was the glory," replied the woman. "The shame was when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes."

[baccyman]

"Don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone you love."
Woody Alan


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Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse!I grabbed my bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to theHefty bag people!



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The couple had split-up a few months ago but still remained good friends, which worked out nicely since they lived in the same apartment building.
One day the man slipped on the ice and broke his arm. He met his ex in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He said, "Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"

She readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual erection begin to appear.

"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look, it still recognizes me".

[baccyman]

A priest walks by a hooker, who shouts, “Hey, father, I’ll give you a blow job for 10 bucks!” The embarrassed priest then bumps into a nun from his church. “Perhaps you can help me, sister,” he says. “What’s a blow job?” “Ten bucks,” the nun replies. “Same as everywhere else.”

[baccyman]

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"

Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"

"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.

"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."



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The pretty young schoolteacher was concerned about one of her eleven year old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Victor, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?"
"I can’t concentrate," replied the boy. "I’ve fallen in love."

"Is that so?" said the teacher, holding back an urge to smile. "With whom?"

"With you," he answered.

"But Victor," exclaimed the secretly pleased young lady, "don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday; but I don’t want a child."

"Oh, don’t worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I’ll be careful."

[thecreator89]

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to theHefty bag people!

NICE