a bit of a laugh pt 2

**baccyman** · 12-14-2004, 03:07 PM

There were several women sitting around talking
at their weekly club meeting. The topic of birth
control came up and they started comparing
methods.

The first woman said that she and her husband
relied on the pill. It had been effective for
them since they had started using it after their
4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm
method. But she hated having to watch the
calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but
wished that her husband would remember to buy
them himself.

The fourth woman said that she and her husband
had found the perfect prevention method. They
used the "saucer and pail" method. All ears
were opened at that comment.

She went on to explain.... Her husband is shorter
than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they
make love, and when his eyes get as big as
saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath
him.

____________________________________________

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90 percent... wedding cake!

____________________________________________

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in
his car.
____________________________________________

A man was screwing his wife and wasn’t enjoying
it, nor was she, their sex life has been horrible
for a while. After sex he leaves and goes for a
walk, on his walk he ponders by the park and
sits on the bench. While he is sitting a guy
comes over and sits down beside him. He looks at
this guy who just sat down by him and asks him
curiously, "Not to be rude, but are you a
leprechaun?" he asked.

The guy said "Well don’t I look like one?"

He replies with "Well if you are, then that
means you have to grant me a wish."

The leprechaun says "Yes I do, what is your
wish?"

"Well me and my wife are having a horrible sex
life, how about you make my dick bigger so it
could be better?"

The leprechaun says "Sure, but for this to happen
you must butt fuck me"

"Okay, I’m okay with that"

He butt fucks him for a while and finishes up he
looks at the man and says "Well when am I gonna
get my bigger dick, a year, a month, a day,
when?"

The leprechaun says "Well sir, how old are you?

He replies "I’m 38"

The little man says "And you still believe in
leprechauns?"

**baccyman** · 12-14-2004, 06:52 PM

A woman’s husband dies, and she tells the funeral director that she wants him to be buried in a blue suit instead of the black suit he’s wearing. The widow hands him a blank check and leaves. At the wake, she sees her husband wearing a beautiful blue suit and asks how much it cost. “Not a thing,” says the director. “When you left, a corpse wearing a blue suit came in, and he was the same size as your husband. I asked the other widow if she’d be OK having her husband in a black suit, and she said yes.” “That must have been a lot of work to redress two bodies,” says the widow. “Not at all,” replies the director. “I just switched the heads.”

**cpt_azad** · 12-15-2004, 07:28 AM

The little man says "And you still believe in
leprechauns?"

lmfao

**cpt_azad** · 12-15-2004, 07:28 AM

Originally Posted by baccyman

A woman’s husband dies, and she tells the funeral director that she wants him to be buried in a blue suit instead of the black suit he’s wearing. The widow hands him a blank check and leaves. At the wake, she sees her husband wearing a beautiful blue suit and asks how much it cost. “Not a thing,” says the director. “When you left, a corpse wearing a blue suit came in, and he was the same size as your husband. I asked the other widow if she’d be OK having her husband in a black suit, and she said yes.” “That must have been a lot of work to redress two bodies,” says the widow. “Not at all,” replies the director. “I just switched the heads.”

**baccyman** · 12-15-2004, 01:29 PM

What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet!

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Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.

Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."

No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.

By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.

So he paints two ping-pong balls black and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question he rolled the two black ping-pong balls up to her.

She said, "Who is the comedian with two black balls?"

Little Johnny said, "Bill Cosby, see you on Tuesday."

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Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

**cpt_azad** · 12-15-2004, 11:14 PM

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

lmfao

**baccyman** · 12-16-2004, 02:19 PM

If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants.

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A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.
On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

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Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.
"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."

The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

**baccyman** · 12-17-2004, 04:31 PM

Jerry Falwell, a well-known religious protector of 'public decency', was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. Clinton asked for a whiskey and soda which were brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

Bill then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

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Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,... Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet!"