a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition.
"Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor.

"Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other.

They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man.

"Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?"

"Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas."



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Being from the North and now living in the south I had a great adjustment to make/ believe me I'm still adjusting..........


In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list should be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State. i.e. Texas, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Arkansas, Missouri, etc.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle . We have a name for those little 13-inch Trout you fish for: BAIT !

6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into our house! It better be brown, bubbly, and served over ice!

11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar Combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat supper (dinner? we ate at noon) together with our families. We pray before we eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Sundays, and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" real well.

15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with fatback or bacon and sometimes eat them with a smoked hog jowl.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat -- go to Kansas . That would be I-70 West.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. You understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -- and, if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -His name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your darn Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.

24. You burn an American Flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

[baccyman]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens
to be her husband's best friend. They make love
for hours, and afterwards, while they're just
laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the
woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over at her and listens, only
hearing her side of the conversation...(She is
speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks,
"Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me
all about the wonderful time he's having on his
fishing trip with you."

___________________________________________

Three bulls are all living on a farm very
happily. One day the farmer came home and stated
that he had just bought a new bull at the auction
and that he would be arriving soon. Well this
would disrupt the society that the bulls had
established amongst themselves, so they decided
to have a meeting.

The first bull says, "I have been here 5 years
and we have established a nice community of
cattle. We have divided the 100 cows between us
so that each of us are happy. I am not going to
give this new guy any of my cows."

The second bull says, "I have been here 3 years
and I have me 50 cows. I feel that I can take
care of these cows just fine. I am not giving
this new guy any of my cows. He is going to have
to get his own."

The third bull says, "I have only been here a
year, but you guys have treated me really well.
You were nice enough to give me 10 of your cows
and for that I am really thankful to you guys.
Since I only have 10 cows I am not going to give
this new guy any of my cows. He is on his own."

With it decided that no cows were going to be
given to the new bull, the meeting was adjourned
just as a tractor-trailer pulled onto the farm.
The driver dropped the ramp of the trailer to let
this new bull out. Off the truck came the biggest
bull anyone had ever seen. The ramp bent
underneath the massive weight of this bull. He
weighed in at 4700 pounds. The ground shook with
every step he took.

The first bull looked at the other two and said,
"Well on second thought, we might as well be
neighborly to this new guy. He looks like he is
pretty cool. I think I will let him have a some
of my cows."

The second bull says, "You know, on second
thought I really don't think I can take care of
all 50 of my cows. I think I will let this new
guy have some. He looks nice enough."

The first and the second bull look at the third
bull. The third bull has his head down and he is
scraping the ground fixing to charge the new
bull.

The first bull says, "Now son, I know you are
still young and you want to protect your cows,
but are you sure your 10 cows are worth you
losing your life?"

The third bull says, "Oh no, he can have ALL my
cows. I am just making sure he knows I am a
bull!"

[baccyman]

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"



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Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[baccyman]

"Ah, yes, divorce...,
From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet!"



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A young man and woman come to a doctor's office and say, "Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?"
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the young man gets on top of his girlfriend, and they have sex.

After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars."

They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.

On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly."

The young man explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Blue Cross/Blue Shield."



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Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing...
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

[baccyman]

The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!"
The man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

"Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"

"I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *Give* you anything."



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A man suspects his wife is having an affair, so he goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. Not having much money he chooses a male parrot with one leg.
He takes the bird home and ties its penis to the perch in the bird cage to allow it to stand.

"When I go to work you keep an eye on my wife and tell me what happens" the man told his parrot.

When the man returns from work later that day, he asks the parrot if anything happened when he was out.

"Well" said the parrot, "the milkman came to the door".

"Then?" demanded the man.

"Your wife went to the door."

"Then??"

"She let him in."

"Then what?"

"They started making out in the living room."

"Then what?" cried the exasperated man.

"Then I got a hard-on and fell off the perch!"

[baccyman]

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, Father? What do you think my reward might be?"

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."



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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

[baccyman]

When the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the 'message' never sank in. Finally, I thought of a clever way to make my point.
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the drive-way." (The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite a while before all the casts come off.)



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Stanley comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put her place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk. Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform.
So he tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd Street in New York, dated January 17th, 1942.

He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket from 55 years ago. Weeks later, Stanley happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck; the shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man.

The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop. Stanley is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence!

Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"

[baccyman]

John Presscot and David Blunkett are out on the piss one night, anyway they get to the bar, order 2 pints of bitter and start chatting away about the economy. This bloke enters the pub and orders a pint and then lifts up Blunketts dog's tail has a look and buggers off.

John goes to David and says

"What was all that about"

David replies

"Leave it will you John i want a quiet night out".

10 minutes later another bloke comes into the bar, orders a pint, lifts the dog's tail, has a look and then he clears off.

John goes to David

" David thats twice now whats going on"

David says back in turn

"John i wanted a quiet night out, a couple of pints, a curry then back home. Will you just leave it out"

15 minutes pass by then another guy comes into the bar, orders a pint and lifts the dog's tail but before he has a look Presscot lands a right hook, lays him out, picks him up and screams

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

and the guy says

" A kid outside said there's a dog in here with 2 arseholes"

[baccyman]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."

[baccyman]

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"



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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"