a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

A man came home from watching a rugby match between Ireland and France.
His young son welcomed him home saying, "How was it, Dad?"

"It was terribly violent, son. In the break, the Irish skipper came off the field with a bruised testicle!"

"Oh, he must have been in such pain!"

"No, no, laddie. It belonged to one of the Frenchmen."



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A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the window to him.

He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills.

When she asked what the bills were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

[baccyman]

The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.
The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law."

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"



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For six years, the young attorney had worked incredibly long hours in his quest to make partner, and had taken only brief respites at a nearby country inn.
During his last, brief visit, he had a moment of passion with the innkeeper's daughter.

Having done little but stare at the walls of his office since then, he looked forward to his next trip to the inn, in the hope that they could pick up where they left off.

Finally, he had another chance to take a couple of days off.

Excited, he hauled his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Why didn't you call me when you learned you were pregnant?" he asked.

"You know I would have done the right thing, we could have been married. I would be a good provider."

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[baccyman]

A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her
car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along
on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that
would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off
with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.

"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the
hell were you doing to that Injun to make him
holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat
behind him with my arms around him, holding
onto his saddle horn."

"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use
saddles."

________________________________________________

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind
date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father
invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad
sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his
newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped
onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.

Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart
and didn't know what to do, however, since the
dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and
feign innocence.

"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his
newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"

The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad
thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another
fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let
it rip, assured that Rover would once again be
blamed.

Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and
said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the
couch!"

Happily, the young man decided that he could fart
whenever the urge arose and he let yet another
one fly.

Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust
and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF
THAT COUCH BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!!!"

[baccyman]

A woman calls her lawyer and asks...
"With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they either burn themselves or got fat."

Lawyer: "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

Woman: "Neither. I just want to know if I can sue Smirnoff Ice for all the ugly men I've slept with?"



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The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.
*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
*People were spitting on the wrong side.



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While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1964."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

[baccyman]

Computer-illiterate husband

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose
and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: - Password Not "Long Enough"

[baccyman]

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life:
"When it all boils done to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one must live by a dog's rule of life":

"If you can't eat it or screw it...PISS ON IT!"



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Tongue chow: Chinese words for pussy
Tongue chow yuck: Chinese words for bad pussy

[baccyman]

We were having Sunday dinner at Grandmother's house.Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When our son received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Son, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied spryly.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," The youngster explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"



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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Sally went straight round to visit her Grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Sally suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her grandma replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells -- in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear.

"If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

[cpt_azad]

Computer-illiterate husband

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose
and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: - Password Not "Long Enough"

[baccyman]

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"
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A really drunk guy at a party walks up to the host and asks, “Do you have some green toilet paper that says, ‘f**k you’?” The host, stunned, answers, “Of course I don’t have any green toilet paper that says, ‘f**k you.’” “Oh, no!” the drunk cries. “I’m really sorry…I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”

[baccyman]

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?"
"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice....unless you're tired." she responded.



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Things a True Southerner Knows:
The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.

How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means.

Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

Real gravy don't come from the store.

When "by and by" is.

How to handle their "pot likker".

The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece".

The differences between a redneck and a good ol' boy.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.

Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.