a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

It is with saddest heart that I pass on the following news.
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes



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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said, "well I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said , "My goodness, 5 loaves...it'll get hard."

He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?

[cpt_azad]

"Oh, don’t worry," said Victor reassuringly. "I’ll be careful."

lmfao

[baccyman]

Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.
"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.

"I could have," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."



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A couple just got home from their honeymoon, and when the husband went back to his house after work he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasn't been home or called.

She replied, "These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week."

The husband answered, "But it's only been two days. What do you mean a week?"

"I am only here to get something to eat."

[cpt_azad]

lol

[baccyman]

Looking in the mall for a nightgown, a 40-something lady tried her luck in a store known for its skimpy lingerie. To her delight, however, she found just what she was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, she noticed a young woman behind me holding the same item. This confirmed what she suspected all along: despite being nearly 50, she still had a very "with it" attitude.

"I see we have the same taste," she said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my mother."



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A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[baccyman]

What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
Broke!



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A man went to the airline counter. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, do you have reservations?" He replied, "Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I'm flying anyway."


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The New Orleans Saints football practice was delayed nearly two hours yesterday after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The Head Coach, Jim Haslett, immediately suspended practice while New Orleans police and federal investigators were called in to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line.

Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.



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A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.
Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you."

Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!"

Then Colin misses a one foot putt and "GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!"

Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.

God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"

[cpt_azad]

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

lmfao

[cpt_azad]

God says, "Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!"

[baccyman]

The Moron IQ Test
Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that seems "most" correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an "X" (just like you sign your name) on the appropriate line at the right.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower ____TRUE____FALSE

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE

4. Vagina - a medical term to describe heart trouble. ____TRUE____FALSE

5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE

6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE

7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE

8. Anus is the latin word for "yearly" ____TRUE____FALSE

9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE

11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE

12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE

13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE

14. Fetus is a character on gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE

16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE

17. Orgasm - accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE

20. Erection - when the Japanese vote for their new government ____TRUE____FALSE

21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east ____TRUE____FALSE

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass ____TRUE____FALSE

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums ____TRUE____FALSE

24. Genitals are people of non-jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE

25. Douch is the Italian word for "twelve" ____TRUE____FALSE

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend ____TRUE____FALSE

27. Ovaries are a french egg dish made with cheese ____TRUE____FALSE

28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE

29. "Cock" is a bird that crows in the morning ____TRUE____FALSE



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An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

[cpt_azad]

P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

lmfao, read that one in reader's digest once, funny shit