a bit of a laugh pt 2

[cpt_azad]

silly andy!

indeed

[baccyman]

Two drunken men were driving home. The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall. The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you? Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!


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A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says, "Hans Olafsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?"

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen's Laundry?"

The old man says, "Is name of owner."

The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?"

"I am he," answers the old man.

"You? How did you get a name like Hans Olafsen?"

The old man replies: "Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say 'What your name?' and he say 'Hans Olafsen.' Next, she look at me -- 'What your name?' I say 'Saim Ting.'"

[baccyman]

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."



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Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."


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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[ziggyjuarez]

[QUOTE=baccyman]A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
QUOTE]
hehe

[cpt_azad]

[QUOTE=ziggyjuarez]

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."
QUOTE]
hehe

quote better

[baccyman]

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the USA
visited the foreign exchange to exchange some
Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and
after a quick calculation on the calculator, was
given $50.45 with a typical "service" smile and
"Have a nice day!"

The Indian promptly spent this and returned the
next day with another wad of Rupees. He handed the
same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand out for
his $50.45, instead he received $48.78.

He questiond bitterly Ooh!! vy less ???" Whereupon
the cashier replied "Fluctuations!"

He screamed back "Fluck You Americans!" I'm going
back to Delhi!!!
___________________________________________

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and orders a
drink for himself. The bartender looks at the
monkey and says to the guy, "Hey, we have health
standards here, get that monkey out of here!"

"Aw," says the guy, "He's Okay. I'll pay for any
damages that he makes."

The bartender agrees. After a few minutes, the
monkey jumps from the bar over to the pool table,
grabs the cue ball and swallows it.

"That's it!" the bartender screams, "Get that
monkey out of here!"

"Hey," says the guy, "it's Okay. Look, I'll pay
you for the cue ball and leave."

The guy drops a bill on the bar, gathers his
monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later, the same guy with the same
monkey show up at the same bar. The bartender,
remembering the incident, says, "Listen buddy,
are you going to keep your monkey in line?"

"Yeah," says the guy, "don't worry about any cue
balls."

After a few minutes the monkey runs across the
bar to a bowl of grapes and grabs one. He looks
at the grape for a minute or two and promply
shoves it up his rear end. Sitting there for a
while, he then proceeds to eat the grapes one by
one.

"That has to be the grossest thing I ever saw in
my life," says the bartender.

"Yeah," says the guy, "but after the cue ball,
he began to size everything he eats."

___________________________________________

Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?

Because if they pulled them by their feet, they
would fill up with dirt!

___________________________________________

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up
a young couple who had been sleeping in the
bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband
turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on
the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it
and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag,
"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he
just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

___________________________________________

Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and
confess. So the first boy went up to the priest.
The priest says "What have you done bad in your
life son".

The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother."

The priest says" take one sip of holy water."

The second boys goes up to the priest and the
priest says, "What have you done bad in your
life son?"

The boy responds with "I've stolen something".

The priest says take two sips of holy water.
After every sip the third boy is laughing his
head off.

So the third boy goes up to the priest and the
priest says, "What have you done bad in your
life son"

The boy responds with, "I pissed in the holy
water."

[thecreator89]

quote better

lmao

[baccyman]

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

[baccyman]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times’ sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s going at it as best as he can for a guy his age. The old sailor asks, “How am I doing?” The prostitute replies, “Well, sailor, you’re doing about three knots.” “Three knots?” he replies, “What’s that supposed to mean?” She says, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”

[tesco]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

That ones great.