a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

One Greek living in America says to another, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly."



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Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it?" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"

"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."

"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"

"No, not him."

"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"

"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."

Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"



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The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay, honey," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?".

"Today and Tomorrow," she replied.

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff.

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go on and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her buds were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[cpt_azad]

The blonde was overjoyed. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[baccyman]

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?"
"Well," says the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn’t get your telegram."



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Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.

Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true.
He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.

LETTER 4:

Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you,
Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset.

He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.

Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

[cpt_azad]

LETTER 5:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

LMFAO dude that's fuckin hilarious

[baccyman]

An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling young man?" he asked.
"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm a Census Taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me,
I have no idea."



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An old man wonders away from a nursing home.
It is getting evening time and he comes up upon a bar that looked friendly enough.

He no sooner got inside when a young lady came up to him and asks, "Would you like a drink?"

"I sure would," he responded.

Then she asked him if he wanted to dance, and he quickly agreed.

They were not on the dance floor very long and she whispered in his ear, "Would you like to go home with me?"

"Wow, that's the best deal yet, sure would!"

The next morning he went to confession and said to the priest, "I am 85 years old, and I spent last night with a 28 year old woman."

The priest thought about it and decided that an 85 year old man couldn't have done much damage and said, "Go say 10 Hail Marys."

The man responded, "I can't do that, I am Jewish."

To which the priest responded, "Then what are you doing talking to me?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the old man. "I am 85, and I'm telling everybody I can!"

[cpt_azad]

lmao

[baccyman]

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"


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LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.



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"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

[cpt_azad]

"But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

teh bitch!

[sArA]

teh bitch!

He he....that one could actually work!

/me stores the idea for future use

[baccyman]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
The results of this study are pretty interesting:

· 85% of women think their ass is too big...

· 10% of women think their ass is too little...

· The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway



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John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her."

"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."

"Maybe," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."



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You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.