a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her, "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me."

Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.

The next day, he comes home and greets his wife.

When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods.

Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money.

She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher."



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A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking. "That poor old couple."

As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man stood up and walked to the old couples' table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "'Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,

"The teeth."

[baccyman]

Q how do you know when you have a high sperm count.











A your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows .

[NeoTheOne]

LOL thats great LOL

[cpt_azad]

lol

[baccyman]

How To Tell Where A Driver Is From:
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: NEW YORK

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, but driving in CALIFORNIA

7. Waving at everyone that you pass, eating a moon pie, sipping an RC, smiling and chewing and talking to yourself. TENNESSEE

8. One hand on 12 oz. Double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: ALABAMA

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA

12. Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on Tim Horton's coffee cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying makeup/doing crossword puzzle/reading morning Free Press, knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals: MICHIGAN

[cpt_azad]

12. Knee up against steering wheel, one hand on Tim Horton's coffee cup, cell phone in ear, accelerator to the floor, applying makeup/doing crossword puzzle/reading morning Free Press, knocking down orange barrels, changing lanes without turn signals: MICHIGAN

[baccyman]

A drunk was discovered late at night crawling along the Boardwalk at Atlantic City. A policeman approached him and asked: "What do you think you are doing?"
He answered: "Officer, I am going to climb this ladder, if it takes me all night!"



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A manufacturer's technician was in a small town in the Carolinas, repairing some new specialized machinery, when his trip was suddenly prolonged for an extra month due to some problems in completing the job.
He was already getting bored with the the town. It seemed as if they rolled up the streets and turned out the lights by ten o'clock. Over the course of the extra month he was getting very homesick.

Finally, he gave in to temptation and visited the local brothel on the outskirts of town.

He entered and handed the madam a hundred dollar bill and requested, "Give me the worst performing , most lethargic, disinterested whore in the house?"

The madam says, "Well yes, but for this kind of money, you can have the best we have if you like."

"No, no," says our boy, "you don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm married and just homesick."

[baccyman]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with spectacular breasts and offers her $100 to let him bite them. Are you nuts? she scoffs. What about for $1,000? he asks. Listen, you sick pig, she says. I'm not that kind of woman. You wouldn't even do it for $10,000? the man asks hopefully. You'll pay me $10,000 to bite my breasts? she asks. OK, let's go over to that dark alley. Once there she takes off her blouse, and the guy begins caressing her breasts, kissing them, and fondling them. Hey, are you gonna bite them or what? she huffs. Nah, he shrugs. Too expensive.

[cpt_azad]

"No, no," says our boy, "you don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm married and just homesick."

lmao

[baccyman]

My doctor canceled me as a patient.
He said I'd gone too long without having anything expensive.



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There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farmhand working with him to help castrate his sheep.
As the farmer castrated the first sheep, the French farmhand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

"No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up, and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!"

The farmhand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper

On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper.

He asked his wife where the farmhand was, and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran like hell!"



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At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to f*** you like you've never been f***d before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.

"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."