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Thread: Christmas jokes

  1. #1
    hippychick's Avatar Memo, what memo? BT Rep: +5
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    Brger King Christmas

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Dear Friends,

    I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

    The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 piperspiping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

    On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want.

    This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

    Love
    Santa
    Last edited by hippychick; 12-10-2004 at 01:06 AM.

  2. Funny S**t   -   #2
    hippychick's Avatar Memo, what memo? BT Rep: +5
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    Advent Calender Adult content

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A Modern Raindeer






    Last edited by hippychick; 12-10-2004 at 01:35 AM.

  3. Funny S**t   -   #3
    cpt_azad's Avatar Colonel
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    Quote Originally Posted by hippychick
    Advent Calender Adult content

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    A Modern Raindeer







    Jeff Loomis: He's so good, he doesn't need to be dead to have a tribute.

  4. Funny S**t   -   #4
    hippychick's Avatar Memo, what memo? BT Rep: +5
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    An Uplifting Story

    Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the
    bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus
    agrees.

    As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from
    Earth to Heaven He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When
    the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and
    explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

    The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in
    America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm
    not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my
    son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really
    come into this world in the usual way.

    I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by
    many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory
    characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single
    biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

    Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and
    asks, "... Father?"

    The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks.........."Pinocchio?"

  5. Funny S**t   -   #5
    cpt_azad's Avatar Colonel
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    hahahahaha

    Jeff Loomis: He's so good, he doesn't need to be dead to have a tribute.

  6. Funny S**t   -   #6
    hippychick's Avatar Memo, what memo? BT Rep: +5
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    A family is driving through town. The son looks over and asks his
    father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kinds of
    boobs?" Surprised, the dad answers, "Well, sure, son, we wouldn't be
    normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts...depending on a
    woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round
    and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice,
    but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?"
    "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry." Not to be outdone, the
    daughter asks their mother, "Mom, how many kind of boy thingies are
    there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well,
    daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a "mans"
    boy thingy is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties,
    it is like a birch, flexible but reliable...after his fifties, it is
    like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up, and the
    balls are only there for decoration.

  7. Funny S**t   -   #7
    cpt_azad's Avatar Colonel
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    lol

    Jeff Loomis: He's so good, he doesn't need to be dead to have a tribute.

  8. Funny S**t   -   #8
    hippychick's Avatar Memo, what memo? BT Rep: +5
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  9. Funny S**t   -   #9
    hippychick's Avatar Memo, what memo? BT Rep: +5
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    Reposting incase you missed it. This is my fav.
    Burger King

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