Christmas jokes

[hippychick]

Brger King Christmas

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Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 piperspiping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want.

This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone.

Love
Santa

[hippychick]

Advent Calender Adult content

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A Modern Raindeer

[cpt_azad]

Advent Calender Adult content

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A Modern Raindeer

[hippychick]

An Uplifting Story

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the
bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus
agrees.

As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from
Earth to Heaven He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When
the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and
explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.

The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in
America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm
not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my
son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really
come into this world in the usual way.

I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by
many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory
characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single
biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."

Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and
asks, "... Father?"

The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks.........."Pinocchio?"

[cpt_azad]

hahahahaha

[hippychick]

A family is driving through town. The son looks over and asks his
father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kinds of
boobs?" Surprised, the dad answers, "Well, sure, son, we wouldn't be
normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts...depending on a
woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round
and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice,
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry." Not to be outdone, the
daughter asks their mother, "Mom, how many kind of boy thingies are
there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well,
daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a "mans"
boy thingy is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties,
it is like a birch, flexible but reliable...after his fifties, it is
like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up, and the
balls are only there for decoration.

[cpt_azad]

lol

[hippychick]

Jingle Bells

[hippychick]

Reposting incase you missed it. This is my fav.
Burger King