I'm going to be a father!

**hippychick** · 01-05-2005, 05:14 AM

Congrats 15%...I have two of my own and they are my life

I guess I should start posting baby freebies now

Heres a joke for you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

**{I}{K}{E}** · 01-05-2005, 08:51 AM

congrats 15%

**ahctlucabbuS** · 01-05-2005, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by brotherdoobie

I take it you have never been married.

Peace bd

Correct.

I'd be darned if I ever succumb to penis society and it's institutions !!

(Extreme feminism is pretty amusing

)

**Snee** · 01-05-2005, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by manker

The difficult part for me is the relationship with my girlfriend because it totally changed.

Did you turn into an insensitive bastard who'd give her bins for christmas?

**Everose** · 01-05-2005, 05:21 PM

Originally Posted by SnnY

Did you turn into an insensitive bastard who'd give her bins for christmas?

Hey now. That was one nice bin.

**sArA** · 01-05-2005, 05:27 PM

I did not marry my ex...father of my 2 kids, 17 year relationship...

I do understand the reasons for saying...bah...a piece of paper etc...means nothing...to you....now.....

But, once we split, people asked if he was the father of either of the kids cos I was the ex-girlfriend. An ex-wife is not asked that.

Its only fairly recently that I have discovered the upset it caused my youngest, who even though has many friends whose parents are divorced, is still in the minority of those who never married.

It upsets him, he sees it as another example of the impermanence of relationships. Was it that mum and dad didn't ever love each other enough? One statement early on was...when I have a kid I wont live with my girlfriend then I can see the kid when I like. The reference to girlfriend smacks of school yard hand holding and not a permanent committment.

.........And he knows what a 'bastard' is.

A baby is easy to make, marriage and a permanent relationship has to be worked at.

Even though we would have eventually split, I wish that we had been married, despite the financial and practical problems a divorce causes, so that I wouldn't have to keep explaining the complex and frankly lame reasons why we didn't to my now 9 year old son.

**Rat Faced** · 01-05-2005, 05:31 PM

**vidcc** · 01-05-2005, 05:49 PM

congrats 15. may it bring all the joys to you and your partner that we have been lucky enough to have recieved from our children. It will drive you insane in the most wonderful way imaginable.

As to the marriage subject perhaps instead of hijacking 15%'s well desreved thunder we could discuss the subject seperatly on a new thread ?

**sArA** · 01-05-2005, 11:43 PM

Originally Posted by vidcc

congrats 15. may it bring all the joys to you and your partner that we have been lucky enough to have recieved from our children. It will drive you insane in the most wonderful way imaginable.

As to the marriage subject perhaps instead of hijacking 15%'s well desreved thunder we could discuss the subject seperatly on a new thread ?

You are right.......

Me Bad....

Sorry 15%

I am genuinely pleased for you....having a child is a wonderful, fulfilling and beautiful experience.

If a stressful one