1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her
hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She
didn't. Jars are men's work.
2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even
saying it to kids makes you the man
3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A
Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning
the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it?
Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.
5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving,
lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile
of other rubbish -noisy destruction.
6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging
your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while
everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're a legend .
7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir
paint with.
8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but
even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been
partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of
your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look
like.
10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes
for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the
past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need
or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-!
Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It
doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However,
the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue,
apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast
man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women.
Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little
changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any
DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18, TAKING OUT GBP200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying
the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The
only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds,
we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
then.Seven. Seeya."
20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can
Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which,
technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have
toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can
stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if
you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain
haemorrhage".
23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For
that? Are you mad, bint?"
24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says
that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized shit.
25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the
shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while
you were in hospital".
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