Dear Diary:
May 30th: Just moved to Texas...Now this is a state that knows how to
live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful.
I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem.
Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a
pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun
worshipper.
June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today.
Lots of cactus and rocks. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher
today, but I love it here.
July 10th: The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people
get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But
getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer that I expected.
July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of
my body.) Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th: I didn't see Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I
left this morning. By the time I returned back to the hot car for lunch,
Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up
the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car
now smells like Kibbles and sh!!s. I learned my lesson though. No more pets
in this heat.
July 25th: The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!
And it's hot as holy hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the
AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order
parts.
July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
$1,500 in house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come
here?
Aug. 4th: It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity
makes the house feel like it's about 95. I hate this hell on earth state.
Aug. 8th: If another southern idiot cracks, "Hot enough for you
today?",
I'm going to strangle the son of a bi***. I hate this heat. By the time I
get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I
smell like baked cat!!
Aug. 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on
the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my a$$ was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and a$$.
Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried a$$, and baked cat.
Aug. 10th: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and
sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shiite for 4 da**
months and the weatherman says it might "really warm up next week".
Doesn't it ever rain in this shiitehole?? Water rationing will be next, so
$1700 worth of cactus might just dry up and blow into the pool.
Even the cactus can't live in this heat.
Aug. 14th: Welcome to HE!!!!! Temperature got to 115 today.
Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the car. The
installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife
had
to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail. Friggin Texas.
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He should be thankful that he doesn't shingle roofs for a living.
But this state is great place for the most part.
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