A Bit Of A Laugh

[baccyman]

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, "Do you have any questions?" The hooker replies, "Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"
The madam says, "The same as the short ones."

[baccyman]

On a Canadian TV show a black comedian was holding forth and explaining how much he and his people missed Bill Clinton.
"Yep" he said "that's right --we really miss Bill Clinton. He was the closest we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number One: He played the sax!

Number Two: He smoked weed!

Number Three: He screwed ugly white women!

And Number Four: Even now - look at him, his wife works and he don't. And he gets a check from the government every month!

[baccyman]

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
"Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked!"

[baccyman]

Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor!
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of our students?"

Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?".

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[baccyman]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said...

"Clean my house."

[baccyman]

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud. She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before. She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure. She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud. "Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry. Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?" The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

[baccyman]

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[baccyman]

[baccyman]

This lovely young girl is sitting in a train carriage on her own when a crusty old bastard comes in, eating a tray of king prawns.
He sits opposite her, shelling his prawns and flicking the shells on the floor. Occasionally he tosses on onto the lady's lap with a sneer.

When he's finished the meal he casually screws up the polystyrene tray he's been eating from and throws it at the girl's face.

The young lady calmly stands up, picks the shells off the floor, puts them back in the tray and throws the whole mess out the window.

Then she walks over to the emergency stop button and thumps it hard.

"You dumb bitch," the dirty old man burps. "That's gonna cost you $100!"

"Yeah," she replied, "but when the police smell your fingers it's gonna cost you 10 years."

[baccyman]

A man was having trouble sleeping because of a weird dream he kept having. Finally he followed his wife's advice and went to a psychiatrist.
"Doc, I just have to get some sleep," he said, "but I can't because I keep waking up from this bizarre dream I keep having. Can you please help me?"

"Ok, let's start by having you describe the dream," replies the shrink.

"Well, first I dream that I am a teepee, then I dream I am a wigwam," the man says. "Can you help me figure out my problem?"

The doctor smiles reassuringly and responds, "I know what your problem is. You're two tents."