Palatable Communion.

[chalice]

My eight year old daughter is a bit of a mentalist. Searingly bright and mannered, but socially somewhat polar. She can demolish a room with a sideways glance.

Anyways, despite my impotent atheist protestations, she is due to make her First Holy Communion next Saturday, as is the subscribed dogma adhered thereupon by her school. Notwithstanding some inappropriate behaviour in the chapel by my godless offspring (she gets bored and starts flidding out), decorum gets shattered, next thing you know, you've got a prepubescent reformation on your hands.

What I'm really worried about is...she is an incredibly fussy eater. No semblance of vegetable matter will enter her digestive system knowlingly to her. I can envisage that first ingestion of the body of Christ being met with a throat spasm and being forceably ejected across the altar, like.

In this, I know exactly how she feels. Growing up, in corporate Catholicism, these manufactured hosts were the only communion I encountered. And they were fucking rank to the max. It was driven into our heads that the host shouldn't be chewed, like. You had to swallow the fucking tasteless paper-like mulch whole. Well, that always made me fucking retch.

Why can't the transubstantiated host be a donut? Or a burger bun. Or a bit of tattie-bread? Or a sammich?

[Alien5]

I Don't believe in God, never have, I think its a big Con, Ive been to churches and things, nice architecture, stonework and all that shit, its a real shame weve lost a lot of those skilled crafts people who could carve that shit out of a fuck off piece of rock. meditation on its own is nice, but i can do that without the help of old people in a cold church on a sunday, fuck that.

The only thing i would want from god is afterlife, but until i see some proof im afraid im not going to waste my time in my real life on such ridiculous fairy tales.

[The Flying Cow]

My eight year old daughter is a bit of a mentalist. Searingly bright and mannered, but socially somewhat polar. She can demolish a room with a sideways glance.

Anyways, despite my impotent atheist protestations, she is due to make her First Holy Communion next Saturday, as is the subscribed dogma adhered thereupon by her school. Notwithstanding some inappropriate behaviour in the chapel by my godless offspring (she gets bored and starts flidding out), decorum gets shattered, next thing you know, you've got a prepubescent reformation on your hands.

What I'm really worried about is...she is an incredibly fussy eater. No semblance of vegetable matter will enter her digestive system knowlingly to her. I can envisage that first ingestion of the body of Christ being met with a throat spasm and being forceably ejected across the altar, like.

In this, I know exactly how she feels. Growing up, in corporate Catholicism, these manufactured hosts were the only communion I encountered. And they were fucking rank to the max. It was driven into our heads that the host shouldn't be chewed, like. You had to swallow the fucking tasteless paper-like mulch whole. Well, that always made me fucking retch.

Why can't the transubstantiated host be a donut? Or a burger bun. Or a bit of tattie-bread? Or a sammich?

I guess it's as good a question as any. TO be frank I've always munched the host down without any shame. It doesn't change anything as far as I can see. These more ridiculous "norms" you speak of are really only for the more radical types.

I believe it was Dane Cook who suggested a Christ Checks breakfast cereal.

Good on your daughter btw.

[Skweeky]

I always found the big ones to be tastier. They're sweeter.

I do believe in God, but I don't believe in religion as such. I think I have mentioned this before. My husband was raised protestant and I was raised catholic. Served as an altar girl and I used to go to church at least once a week up until I was about 16.
At that point I decided that I would no longer attend church because the ideas they have are in no way linear with my own ideas of what or who God is.

I believe you can have faith without having to conform to dogma or rule, applied by an organisation too rich and powerful for its own good.

For that very reason I won't have my son christened, nor will I take him to church or send him to a catholic school. You don't need a set of rules and a building to believe or to pray.

I believe, though, that faith is a very personal thing and each should experience it as he or she wants without pushing other people into it.

[Alien5]

Ive never understood the need for faith or church until i went to my first church wedding and to a funeral.

It was nice to sit and remember the person while wondering what life is about.

[Skweeky]

Well, it's a good location for it, but not necessary. I'm sure it would be just a nice if you did on a nice meadow, or on a beach. It's more about the sense of community than the actual place you are at.

[chalice]

Ive never understood the need for faith or church until i went to my first church wedding and to a funeral.

It was nice to sit and remember the person while wondering what life is about.

Jesus fucksing wank the dogs Christ, Allen.

Stop bringing us all down, you wanky cunt, you. :no:

[100%]

Chalice i said this before, I plead you to write a short story or a non-novel. Your word algorithms some how teach, insult and sweat juicy testicle grape tears.
Start with the this one - The Immaculate Transubstantiated Host vs My Cuisine.
(wtf - spell check found an error)

You show understanding, yet she might learn something about getting one over symbolic dried chip for breakfast. Starve her.
Will there be wine?

In boarding school we had to go to church before breakfast. Harsh

The process tries* to focus on the "spiritual", which is a good thing when compared to the branding and materialism enforced on us nowadays.

[Alien5]

I can't not think about Death and Marriage when i see a church, is it just me?

[IdolEyes787]

The artifice of the Church is that it allowed those who would otherwise have been impotent to have power.
I'm not anti-God just anti-Church.I have quit enough people telling me what to do without adding some pasty faced eunuch to the mix.

[Something Else]

I always found the big ones to be tastier. They're sweeter.

I do believe in God, but I don't believe in religion as such. I think I have mentioned this before. My husband was raised protestant and I was raised catholic. Served as an altar girl and I used to go to church at least once a week up until I was about 16.
At that point I decided that I would no longer attend church because the ideas they have are in no way linear with my own ideas of what or who God is.

I believe you can have faith without having to conform to dogma or rule, applied by an organisation too rich and powerful for its own good.

For that very reason I won't have my son christened, nor will I take him to church or send him to a catholic school. You don't need a set of rules and a building to believe or to pray.

I believe, though, that faith is a very personal thing and each should experience it as he or she wants without pushing other people into it.

I think that means you're going to someone elses hell i'm afarid. :(

[Alien5]

Watching endless repeats of THE OMEN I,II,III,IV,V,VI,VII is enough to keep me away from Churches for life, maybe thats why im so afraid to go to a funeral.

[Skweeky]

Gemmell feels the same way about churches. And nuns, he definitely doesn't like nuns.

BTW. I never realised that the theme tune from 'Charmed' is a cover from a song by The Smiths


@ benchez: It says in the bible ' You can find God under every stone etc etc' ( I'm paraphrasing here btw). I think it means you don;t have to go to church, so there, I smothered your argument with my biblical knowledge. Look at me catholisising. W00t.

[chalice]

I get the not liking nuns and the other general creepiness associated. But I don't understand why they uniformly make the host unpalatable.

Is this limited to Irish Catholics? What is the accepted Christ embodiment? Will a sausage roll not do?

[Something Else]

Skweeky. I feel crushed by your ironing. :emo:

[Alien5]

I :lips: NUNS

http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k106/lisjefonln/Sexynunsmoking.jpg

[Skweeky]

I get the not liking nuns and the other general creepiness associated. But I don't understand why they uniformly make the host unpalatable.

Is this limited to Irish Catholics? What is the accepted Christ embodiment? Will a sausage roll not do?


Or a wee cracker with some cheese on it. That would go better with the vino.

I always found it strange that the priest in our village used white wine for the mass.

[Alien5]

:lol:

[TheFoX]

Don't worry guys. If our leaders manage to get their ways, we'll all be praying to Allah within a generation or two, regardless of what our original religious viewpoints are.

The UK is fast becoming another Islamic State.


Then we won't have any choice at all...

[Bone.W.Machine]

London is first in line.

[chalice]

Don't worry guys. If our leaders manage to get their ways, we'll all be praying to Allah within a generation or two, regardless of what our original religious viewpoints are.

The UK is fast becoming another Islamic State.


Then we won't have any choice at all...

Well done, Foxy.

Most incoherent post of the century.

Flaxy laxy maxy waxy, mate.

If you know wots I mean, like.

[Proper Bo]

Don't worry guys. If our leaders manage to get their ways, we'll all be praying to Allah within a generation or two, regardless of what our original religious viewpoints are.

The UK is fast becoming another Islamic State.


Then we won't have any choice at all...

I agree, it's those bloody foreign internet paedophile terrorist ayslum seekers, send them all back is what I say.

[Alien5]

Don't worry guys. If our leaders manage to get their ways, we'll all be praying to Allah within a generation or two, regardless of what our original religious viewpoints are.

The UK is fast becoming another Islamic State.


Then we won't have any choice at all...


:fear: You sound like the Daily Mail.

[j2k4]

Wandering about with the thread like that, what are you doing.

Just slurp up a dab of jelly or jam before the host.

It'll be fine - she'll have something to look forward to, and you can save your other sermon 'til she's home and ready to listen properly.

[Rat Faced]

I get the not liking nuns and the other general creepiness associated. But I don't understand why they uniformly make the host unpalatable.

Is this limited to Irish Catholics? What is the accepted Christ embodiment? Will a sausage roll not do?

You want to encourage the eating of Human Flesh by making the symbolic Canabalism inherent in that ceremony enjoyable? :unsure:

[benchez' mum]

Why not use a pepperami then and be done with it.

[Skweeky]

Don't worry guys. If our leaders manage to get their ways, we'll all be praying to Allah within a generation or two, regardless of what our original religious viewpoints are.

The UK is fast becoming another Islamic State.


Then we won't have any choice at all...


:fear: You sound like the Daily Mail.


Yes. I feel just as dirty after reading that.

[chalice]

I get the not liking nuns and the other general creepiness associated. But I don't understand why they uniformly make the host unpalatable.

Is this limited to Irish Catholics? What is the accepted Christ embodiment? Will a sausage roll not do?

You want to encourage the eating of Human Flesh by making the symbolic Canabalism inherent in that ceremony enjoyable? :unsure:

Well, yes.

One would assume that cannibals actually make the flesh as tasty as humanly possible. Just cos they're sick fuckers doesn't mean they'd be any less gastronomically exacting than the rest of us, like.

In other news, I've just had a barbecue out in my back garden. Made meself a chilli rib-eye steak with green peppers, tomatoes, onions and corn on the cob. It was fucking epic win. If they gave that shite out at communion, they wouldn't have to worry about arses on pews any more. Fact.

[Skweeky]

You may be on to a winner there Chavis. I wouldn't put it behind the fuckers to try it as a new tactic.

[Snee]

I get the not liking nuns and the other general creepiness associated. But I don't understand why they uniformly make the host unpalatable.

Is this limited to Irish Catholics? What is the accepted Christ embodiment? Will a sausage roll not do?

I dunno, mang. Last I had one of them biscuits it didn't taste much at all, as I recall. Like paper with a hint of salt.

The wine was extra strong +1, though.

The combination worked for me, like :idunno:

EDit:

This'd be protestant communion, though. And I've not had any since I decided that christianity, and organised religion, wasn't for me, so it might be different now.

[Biggles]

I :lips: NUNS

http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k106/lisjefonln/Sexynunsmoking.jpg

Which order is that? I think I missed my calling

Chalice

Just give the priest one of those vile Haribo gummy things. I am sure if wee paper shite things cab be subject to transubstantiation a Gummy sweet would be a piece of piss. Might start a new trend. Can empathise with the room wrecking. SGG can still do that 18 - only it is all her college stuff, mixed with make up, half eaten toast and other detritus of her life. At 8 you only had to glance away for 30 seconds and the coffee table would be upside down, things being cut out of cardboard, paint, the room filled with toys, half eaten toast etc.,

Tricky thing religion - :dabs:

[Villalltheway]

Don't worry guys. If our leaders manage to get their ways, we'll all be praying to Allah within a generation or two, regardless of what our original religious viewpoints are.

The UK is fast becoming another Islamic State.


Then we won't have any choice at all...

Really whocares Muslims Christians Jews they all believe in the same god.

[Biggles]

Don't worry guys. If our leaders manage to get their ways, we'll all be praying to Allah within a generation or two, regardless of what our original religious viewpoints are.

The UK is fast becoming another Islamic State.


Then we won't have any choice at all...

Really whocares Muslims Christians Jews they all believe in the same god.

Very true which is why they like to kill each other - to demonstrate that God is love.

[JPaul]

Don't worry guys. If our leaders manage to get their ways, we'll all be praying to Allah within a generation or two, regardless of what our original religious viewpoints are.

The UK is fast becoming another Islamic State.


Then we won't have any choice at all...

Really whocares Muslims Christians Jews they all believe in the same god.

No, they don't.

In other news, you are all going to burn in hell. Every last one of you. I shall shed one single tear which will stay on my cheek for the rest of eternity.

[chalice]

Really whocares Muslims Christians Jews they all believe in the same god.

No, they don't.

In other news, you are all going to burn in hell. Every last one of you. I shall shed one single tear which will stay on my cheek for the rest of eternity.

My daughter won't. According to your ideology. Be specific in your all encompassing damnation.

So nyah nyah na na nyah, like.

[Biggles]

I thought JP had his own special heaven with re-runs of all the finest moments of the Bhoys and on tap apple. We just are aren't invited. I think by definition he counts everywhere else as hell.

Tear was a thoughtful touch though.

[JPaul]

I thought JP had his own special heaven with re-runs of all the finest moments of the Bhoys and on tap apple. We just are aren't invited. I think by definition he counts everywhere else as hell.

Tear was a thoughtful touch though.

That's my life mate, think how good heaven is going to be.

[JPaul]

No, they don't.

In other news, you are all going to burn in hell. Every last one of you. I shall shed one single tear which will stay on my cheek for the rest of eternity.

My daughter won't. According to your ideology. Be specific in your all encompassing damnation.

So nyah nyah na na nyah, like.

Sorry I didn't even see her post, must be slipping.

GIRUY.

[chalice]

My daughter won't. According to your ideology. Be specific in your all encompassing damnation.

So nyah nyah na na nyah, like.

Sorry I didn't even see her post, must be slipping.

GIRUY.

hello mr jp. my dad says you are a poohead. :lol:

thank you mr jp. goodbye.

from erin.

[chalice]

That was her. True story.

She even selected her own smilie.

[Biggles]

Poohead? That is sweet.

[Snee]

Haha. In your face, jp.

[JPaul]

Sorry I didn't even see her post, must be slipping.

GIRUY.

hello mr jp. my dad says you are a poohead. :lol:

thank you mr jp. goodbye.

from erin.

Evening erin, nice to meet you. My daughter has the same name but she spells it Éirinn.

Your dad is a nice man but is what we, the people of the internet, call a mentalist. In a good way, like.

[chalice]

hello mr jp. my dad says you are a poohead. :lol:

thank you mr jp. goodbye.

from erin.

Evening erin, nice to meet you. My daughter has the same name but she spells it Éirinn.

Your dad is a nice man but is what we, the people of the internet, call a mentalist. In a good way, like.

Nice. She's gone up to bed now, but I'll be sure to let her peruse the above upon her awakening, like.

Kudos, in spelling your daughter's name beautifully and correctly. Mine might have erred towards the Gailaige in other circumstances but her name is actually derived from a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novella entitled The Sad and Incredible Tale Of Innocent Erendira And Her Heartless Grandmother. She was registered/christened Erendira. It has lapsed into Erin for obvious reasons.

[Snee]

I was gonna let a dog do some typing for me. But they've all gone to bed.

[Biggles]

I was gonna let a dog do some typing for me. But they've all gone to bed.

Could invite one of the torrents youths to take their place - coherence would have to go by the board obviousment.

[JPaul]

Evening erin, nice to meet you. My daughter has the same name but she spells it Éirinn.

Your dad is a nice man but is what we, the people of the internet, call a mentalist. In a good way, like.

Nice. She's gone up to bed now, but I'll be sure to let her peruse the above upon her awakening, like.

Kudos, in spelling your daughter's name beautifully and correctly. Mine might have erred towards the Gailaige in other circumstances but her name is actually derived from a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novella entitled The Sad and Incredible Tale Of Innocent Erendira And Her Heartless Grandmother. She was registered/christened Erendira. It has lapsed into Erin for obvious reasons.

Fabulous tale.

[chalice]

Nice. She's gone up to bed now, but I'll be sure to let her peruse the above upon her awakening, like.

Kudos, in spelling your daughter's name beautifully and correctly. Mine might have erred towards the Gailaige in other circumstances but her name is actually derived from a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novella entitled The Sad and Incredible Tale Of Innocent Erendira And Her Heartless Grandmother. She was registered/christened Erendira. It has lapsed into Erin for obvious reasons.

Fabulous tale.

Are you calling me a fucking lying cunt, you fucking cunt?

Cos I'm not, like. Well, not in this instance.

[JPaul]

Fabulous tale.

Are you calling me a fucking lying cunt, you fucking cunt?

Cos I'm not, like. Well, not in this instance.

Well ... no, I didn't intend to.

I meant fabulous in the modern sence. I should have remembered it was you and been more precise.

Would you forgive me and substitute "fabulous" with either "heart-warming" or "charming". You chose.

[Something Else]

Are you talking about The Sad and Incredible Tale Of Innocent Erendira And Her Heartless Grandmother or some other tale. :unsure:

[JPaul]

Thank fuck he wasn't reading The Beastly Beatitudes of Balthazar B

[chalice]

Actualment, the sick joke is on everybody, like.

The missus liked the ring of it, and the literary density of it, little realising the underlying, harsh irony privy only to the few readers of the text.

I'll explain this to my daughter when she reaches an age whereby I feel she can accept it.

Thereupon, I'll be expecting a Stanley-Blade to the throat.

[TheFoX]

Is it true that the majority of deaths in this world are caused by religion?

Is it true that suicide bombers do it because they have faith?


Seems to me that religion causes more deaths than drunk driving. If this is the case, should we not ban religion in the name of world peace?


Let's slaughter every man, woman and child who prays to a deity, in the name of world peace...

Or am I just being a cunt?

[Something Else]

Old Geezer? Is that you? :O

[chalice]

Foxy has taken to eating mental tablets.

Observe and enjoy.

[Something Else]

Foxy has taken to eating mental tablets.

Observe and enjoy.

What'd ewe say about my mamma. http://www.michealmilton.com/forums/images/smilies/Gangsta.gif

[chalice]

Foxy has taken to eating mental tablets.

Observe and enjoy.

What'd ewe say about my mamma. http://www.michealmilton.com/forums/images/smilies/Gangsta.gif

I said she's a cunt and her Lancashire hotpot tastes like shite.

The bad kind of shite.

As opposed to the good kind of shite, you stupid cunt, like. :yup:

[Something Else]

Oh. I thought it was something else about an affair. I was quite far off the mark then. Arse.

[chalice]

No, arse was quite accurate.

No wonder you're a vegetamarian.

Your mum's sammiches taste like arses. Fact.

[Something Else]

:lol:

She never makes me any. Cunt. :emo:

[Proper Bo]

well how the fuck could you have a sarnie without any meat in it?
shirley that'd just be a salad in some bread or something else.

[Something Else]

Ploughmans. :runaway:

[Proper Bo]

:blink:

edit: oh wait, i just looked it up and a ploughman's doesn't have meat in it. Anytime I've had one it's had some slices of pig in it:unsure:

[JPaul]

:lol:

She never makes me any. Cunt. :emo:

Don't you ever call your Mam that again.

You're going to special hell now.

[JPaul]

Is it true that the majority of deaths in this world are caused by religion?

Is it true that suicide bombers do it because they have faith?


Seems to me that religion causes more deaths than drunk driving. If this is the case, should we not ban religion in the name of world peace?


Let's slaughter every man, woman and child who prays to a deity, in the name of world peace...

Or am I just being a cunt?

Yeah right, that'll work.

You'll be banning drunk driving next.

[benchez' mum]

:lol:

She never makes me any. Cunt. :emo:

Don't you ever call your Mam that again.

You're going to special hell now.

Plus won.

[JPaul]

You brought him up better than that, Shirley.

[benchez' mum]

I did. I did. It's not his fault. I blame the father. :eyebrows:

[Skweeky]

If Ben had been a girl, her name would've been Erin. (that somehow doesn't seem correct, but I don't know how else to put it)

Thats just weird.

[TheFoX]

I did. I did. It's not his fault. I blame the father. :eyebrows:

Our Father, which art down the pub,
hallowed be thy tankard;
thy beer has come;
thy will be drunk,
in earth as it is in Devon.
Give us this day our daily dread.
And forgive us our trespasses (especially in the middle east),
as we shouldn't forgive them that trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
but deliver us from cunts.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power, and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

[chalice]

All's well that nearly ends well, like. Almost.

They had a rehearsal in the chapel the other day whereby the kids received unconsecrated hosts from the priest. Turns out Erin actually enjoyed the taste, like.

She said it tasted like rice-paper. Which is pretty fucking astounding, in that she has never tasted rice (true story) or paper ( I hope) or the amalgam of the two.

So I'm going for a premature win here. Woo hoo. Thank you Jesus for not having a body that tastes like shite to my daughter. Not that she's tasted shite. I hope.

[JPaul]

I think we have witnessed a miracle and take this news as final and irrefutable proof of the existence of God.

All hail the Ori.

[Skweeky]

But Godel already proved it.

[chalice]

Yeah, but what if it's the consecration that actually makes the host taste like shite?

Wouldn't that be like an anti-miracle or something else?

I'm slumping back into paranoia now. :emo:

Fuck you god, you tricky bastard!!

[brotherdoobie]

My Grandparents used to dance with the holy ghost. I remember the spirit entering our circle - smelling of sweat and earth.


-bd

[chalice]

That wasn't Christian communion, that was Peyote.

[brotherdoobie]

That wasn't Christian communion, that was Peyote.

Nay...not peyote, but Pentecostal. Blessed by the spirit we sang in her tongue, easily.

Holy rollers, yes.


-bd

[chalice]

Did you kill then resurrect any snakes?

Did you cure the blind and crippled?

Did John Belushi do somersaults down the aisle?

Did James Brown soft-shoe shuffle the fuck out of the place?

Let me hear you say 'Jeeeeebus'!!!!!

[Skweeky]

But the pentecostal church is the one where everyone speaks in tongues, in accordance with the bible story. (Starting every post with 'but' is starting to become annoying)

[chalice]

:eyebrows:

Yeh, I knows that, Skweeks, like.

[Skweeky]

But I thought you were a heathen!

[chalice]

I may be a heathen, but that doesn't make me unaware of others' delusions.

[brotherdoobie]

I never cured a single soul; however, the spirit somersaulted, blind and crippled, while doing the soft-shoe...across pale carpets, the shade of faded blood, healing all.

I was scared (scarred) shittless, mostly. Drunk on hysteria, brother.

Can you dig it?


Peace, brotherdoobie

[chalice]

I never cured a single soul; however, the spirit somersaulted, blind and crippled, while doing the soft-shoe...across pale carpets, the shade of faded blood, healing all.

I was scared (scarred) shittless, mostly. Drunk on hysteria, brother.

Can you dig it?


Peace, brotherdoobie

I can dig that fucking post, brother.

Write a song. It merits it. :smilie4:

[brotherdoobie]

I shall. First, I must drink.


-brotherdoobie

[JPaul]

Drink is the muse

[brotherdoobie]

Drink or pie.



-bd

[Rat Faced]

I may be a heathen, but that doesn't make me unaware of others' delusions.


I didn't put you down as worshiping Odin and Thor..

Although the stormy nature of some of your posts should have given me a hint. :whistling

[chalice]

I may be a heathen, but that doesn't make me unaware of others' delusions.


I didn't put you down as worshiping Odin and Thor..

Although the stormy nature of some of your posts should have given me a hint. :whistling

Somebody on this forum has to be a cunt, RF, may as well be me.

Otherwise we'd all turn into Care Bears.

And there's no comedy potential in a love-in.

[Rat Faced]

Not in a virtual one, no :lol: