View Full Version : A Bit Of A Laugh

Pages : [1] 2 3 4

11-26-2003, 05:29 PM
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

11-26-2003, 05:30 PM
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

11-26-2003, 05:42 PM
Margaret went to her new gynecologist for her first exam.
The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ...huge vagina!!"

She said, "Doctor, I know it and I'm very self-conscious about it. You didn't have to repeat yourself."

The doctor replied, "I didn't. It was an echo!"

11-26-2003, 06:23 PM
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.
"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"

11-26-2003, 06:25 PM
There was a Glasgow policeman on his horse waiting to cross
Sauchiehall Street when a wee boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside
him.Nice bike,"the bobby said"Did Santa bring it to you?" "Aye,"the little
boy said,"He did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a £10.00 ticket for a construction & use offence.The cop said, "Next
year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The wee boy
looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there .. sir.Did Santa
bring it to you?"
Yes,he sure did,"chuckled the big Glasgow bobby. The little
boy looked up at him and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes
underneath the horse not on top."

11-26-2003, 07:38 PM
A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, “Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it’ll cost us a fortune to repair.” Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, “I warned you to watch out! Now we’ll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us.” They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, “Come on in.” When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?” “Uh…yeah, we’re very sorry about that,” the husband replied. “Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I’m a genie, and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.” “Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.” “No problem,” said the genie, “You’ve got it. I have already put a million dollars in your bank account. It’s the least I can do.” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked. “I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said. “Consider it done. The deeds are now in your name,” the genie said. “And now,” the couple both asked in unison, “what’s your wish, genie?” “Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.” The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?” She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn’t mind.” The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, “How old are you and your husband?” “Why, we’re both thirty-five,” she responded breathlessly. “No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

11-26-2003, 07:59 PM
A man and his wife are in the shower together when the doorbell rings. The wife puts on a robe and goes down to answer the door. In walks her husband’s friend Ben. The woman tells him her husband’s in the shower and asks if he can come back later. Instead, Ben steps in and quietly says, "I have $400 in my pocket. I’ll give it to you if you’ll open your bathrobe for me." She’s offended, but really needs the money so she agrees, opens her robe, and lets Ben have a quick peek before doing it up again. Ben gives her the $400, and she opens the door for him to leave, but he says, "I have another $400 in my other pocket. I’ll give it to you if you let me touch your breasts." Now she’s really mortified, but again, she needs the money, so she undoes her robe and lets him have a quick feel. Taking the other $400 from him, she lets him out the door. Going back upstairs, she gets back in the shower with her husband, feeling a little bit guilty. "Who was that?" the husband asks. "Oh, that was just Ben," the wife answers. "Ben?" the husband says. "That son of a bitch owes me 800 bucks!"

11-26-2003, 09:23 PM
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy
>dress party.
>He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg
>so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
>A few days later he receives a parcel with a note,
>"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted
>handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
>leg you will be just right as a pirate".
>The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his
>wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
>A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says,
>"Dear "Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a
>monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your
>bald head you will really look the part".
>Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his
>wooden leg to emphasising his bald head
>and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
>The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads,
>"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup.
>Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head,
>stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."

11-26-2003, 09:46 PM
A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 10 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. "Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

11-26-2003, 10:38 PM
A group of girlfriends went on vacation and saw a five-story hotel with a sign that read, "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends, they decided to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside." So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"... the friends laugh and, without hesitation, move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read, "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good, but there were still two more floors. On the fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight." The women seemed pleased, but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor had to offer before they settled for the fourth. When they reach the fifth floor, there is a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

11-26-2003, 11:26 PM
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You going to tell him or should I?"

11-27-2003, 12:54 AM
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to
his wife. It read:

"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54
years old, and I have certain needs which you
are no longer able to satisfy. I am
otherwise happy with you as wife, and I
sincerely hope you will not be hurt or
offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant.
I'll be home before midnight.
-- Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a
faxed letter waiting for him that read as

"Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old, and
by the time you receive this letter, I will be
at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old
pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician
that you are, you can easily appreciate the
fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times
than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

11-27-2003, 12:57 AM
Originally posted by baccy_man@26 November 2003 - 23:26
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You going to tell him or should I?"
hilarious..excelent jokes...but i didn't understand the last one.

11-27-2003, 02:12 AM
he wont get any pussy for 1 week lol i think

anyway great jokes man

Rip The Jacker
11-27-2003, 06:04 AM
Good jokes. :lol:

11-27-2003, 04:03 PM
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see how many of the city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. Who knows what sound a cow makes? she asked. Mary put her hand up and said Moooo!

Very good replied the teacher, what sound do sheep make?
Baaaa answered Johnny. She continued this for a while.
Then she asked What sound does a pig make?
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose the shy little boy at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, Up against the wall, motherfucker!

11-27-2003, 04:05 PM
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter. “Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile. “I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” “Yes,” she purrs. “I am.” “Well, wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”

11-27-2003, 04:06 PM
A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!” Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?” The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.” The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.” The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”

11-27-2003, 04:07 PM
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend." "Wow," says the barkeep. "What’d you do?" "I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the hell out." "That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?" "I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’"

11-27-2003, 04:14 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

11-27-2003, 04:27 PM
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."

11-27-2003, 10:05 PM
Two ladies are talking, one says to the other, how many boyfriend you got? The other says, I have 3 boyfriends. The first lady then asks so what are their names. Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy. Well if they are all named Leroy, how do you tell them apart? I got them all nicked named after soda pops. My first Leroy, his nickname is mountain dew, because when he mounts me he sure knows what to do. The second Leroy his nickname is 7up, because he has 7 inches and is always up. The third Leroy, his nickname is jack daniels. The first lady says, jack daniels that ain't no soda pop that's a hard liquor. Well, that's my Leroy.

11-27-2003, 10:45 PM
Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident. Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, and is met by St. Peter. “Where is my friend Mike?” Jeff asks. St. Peter replies, “Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven.” Jeff was bothered by this and asked, “Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?” So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer. “I don’t mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell,” says Jeff. “It’s not as it appears to be,” says St. Peter. “You see, the keg has a hole in it and the blonde doesn’t.”

11-27-2003, 11:32 PM
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.” ”

11-28-2003, 03:24 AM


keep em coming

11-28-2003, 03:54 PM
One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." Then the electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

11-28-2003, 04:02 PM
A reporter is interviewing an old man in Arkansas and asks for a funny story. “Well, there was that time one of ol’ Ted’s sheep got lost in the woods,” says the old-timer. “The boys got together, brought a few jugs of moonshine, and went looking for it. By the time we found the sheep, we were so drunk we took turns screwin’ it till we passed out.” “My god!” the reporter exclaims. “I can’t print that in a respectable paper! Do you have any sad stories?” The old man’s eyes well up with tears. “Well, there was that time I got lost in the woods…”

11-28-2003, 04:08 PM
One day 3 guys got stranded on an island. They are captured by cannibals and as they beg for their lives the Chief of the Cannibal says "Ok, ok... I'll give you 2 trials that you must pass in order to save your lives". "The first one one is... You must pick 10 fruits all of the same kind and bring them to me. So they set off. After a while, the first guy comes back with 10 apples. The Chief then tells him "Ok, now you have to shove all of them up your ass and you must NOT flinch or anything." So he starts shoving the apples up his ass, but on the second one he lets out a scream. So they immediately kill him and eat him. The second guy then comes back and he has 10 Berries. The Chief then tells him "Ok, now you have to shove all of them up your ass and you must NOT flinch or anything." He starts shoving the berries up his ass, and as he shoves the 9th berry up his ass he starts to laugh. They immediately kill him and eat him. The first guy and the second guy meet up at the gates of Heaven, the first guy asks the second guy "Why did you laugh, you could have lived..." And the second guy replies "I was fine until I saw that other guy coming with all those watermelons!!!"

11-28-2003, 06:09 PM
A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?" "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality." The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence."Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest. "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality." No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a boxer and gave verbal vent to his wrath. "After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor."

11-28-2003, 06:29 PM
Hey they are all really funny jokes and stuff but couldn't you put them all in one post? Or is it a way of getting post count up? Does it count if you make a few posts like that or is a few posts in one topic just counted as one?

11-28-2003, 06:56 PM
they only count as one post . you will notice that my post count is 81 . and i don't want to spoil you by posting everything at once . hope that you all enjoy them

11-28-2003, 10:01 PM
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

11-28-2003, 10:26 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

keep em coming mate and dont listen to that noob sayong bout post count!!

11-29-2003, 05:42 PM
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

11-29-2003, 05:46 PM
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transport" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T ", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

11-29-2003, 05:56 PM
A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks "Why?"
He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something different."

She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it in the air, and WHAM!!! swings it up between his legs.

After much pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why the hell did you do that?"

She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something different."

11-29-2003, 08:42 PM
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for
something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

12-01-2003, 04:08 PM
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase "Tuti Homini" .... Blessed be Mankind.
A woman's rights group approached the Pope the next day to mention that he blessed all Mankind but not Womankind.

The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" .... Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Of course."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

12-01-2003, 04:09 PM
Announcement from Pfizer:
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink".

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: "MOUNT & DO.

12-01-2003, 04:10 PM
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun. So he told her that all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.
After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing. "I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

12-01-2003, 04:21 PM
The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug companies have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
They will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Walmart's Pharmacies.

They're going to be called: 'Predickamints'

12-01-2003, 09:17 PM
One day a farmer was bragging to his neighbor that his dog was so smart he could count.
The other farmer didn't believe him, so the first farmer ordered his dog to go count the geese in the pond out back. The dog took off, came back, and barked 4 times.

Both farmers went out back to check if the dog was right, and sure enough there were 4 geese in sight.

Back at the farm house the neighbor said that the dog was lucky and wanted more proof, so the farmer sent the dog off again.

This time the dog came back and barked 6 times, and when they went to check, sure enough there were 6 geese.

But the neighbor was still unsatisfied, and demanded another demonstration, so the first farmer agreed to send the dog out one more time.

On the dogs return he started humping his masters leg, then picked up a stick and started shaking it.

"I knew that fool dog couldn't count," said the neighbor triumphantly.

"Oh, yes he can," said the farmer, "you just can't understand him. He just said there are more f**king geese than you can shake a stick at."

12-01-2003, 09:18 PM
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

12-01-2003, 09:35 PM
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

12-01-2003, 09:36 PM
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, A Commuter

Dear Sir:
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, The Railroad

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.

Yours truly, A Commuter

12-02-2003, 06:35 PM
Originally posted by baccy_man@28 November 2003 - 18:56
they only count as one post . you will notice that my post count is 81 . and i don't want to spoil you by posting everything at once . hope that you all enjoy them
Oh ok then! Hehehe.

scribblec Posted: 28 November 2003 - 22:26 

keep em coming mate and dont listen to that noob sayong bout post count!!

Fuk u dikhed. :angry:

Good jokes! ;)

12-02-2003, 07:43 PM
A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

12-02-2003, 07:43 PM
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

12-03-2003, 12:47 AM
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

12-03-2003, 12:49 AM
A Zebra in a circus became sick. So the owner decided to leave it in a farm until it recovered. After a few days the zebra was well enough to walk around, and so he decided to take a walk around the farm.
While going around he met a chicken, and he said, "I am a Zebra, I work in a circus. Who are you?"

The chicken replied, "I am a chicken, I scratch the ground and lay eggs."

He then met a cow, and after similar introduction, the cow said, "I am a cow, I say moo, and I give milk. When I can't give milk, they eat me."

After he had met all the animals, he approached the last - a bull. "I am a Zebra, I work in the circus. Who are you, and what do you do?"

The bull said, "Take off those pajamas and I'll show you who I am and what I do."

12-03-2003, 10:32 AM
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, John."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom."

12-03-2003, 10:34 AM
Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on." So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them". I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on." So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me."

Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine." So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't change your smartass attitude, you never will."

12-03-2003, 03:38 PM
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Sir, did you call for me?“ The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it’s a rule here that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old; I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."

12-03-2003, 07:56 PM
“Doctor,” the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.” “Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.” The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doctor says. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.” The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

12-04-2003, 09:09 PM
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

12-05-2003, 12:40 AM
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

12-05-2003, 04:27 PM
A Georgia woodpecker and a Kentucky woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Georgia woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Kentucky woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Georgia woodpecker was in awe. The Kentucky woodpecker then challenged the Georgia woodpecker to peck a tree in Kentucky that was absolutely un-peckable. The Georgia woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Kentucky, the Georgia woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Kentucky woodpecker was able to peck the Georgia tree and the Georgia woodpecker was able to peck the Kentucky tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

12-05-2003, 04:30 PM
Two men are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a highway patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, “What the hell was that for?” The cop answers, “You’re in Alabama, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.” The driver says, “I’m sorry, Officer, I’m not from around here.” The cop runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and, ‘Whack!’ the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, “What’d you do that for?” The cop says, “Just making your wish come true.” The passenger asks, “Making what wish come true?” The cop says, “Two miles down the road you’re gonna say to your buddy, ‘I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!’”

12-05-2003, 04:59 PM
A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean. Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asks. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me." "He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."

12-05-2003, 05:34 PM
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. “The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.” Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?” Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

12-05-2003, 10:31 PM
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.” The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?” “Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.” “WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

12-06-2003, 09:30 PM
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, “Fluctuations.” The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”

12-06-2003, 09:35 PM
A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. He happens to look down the bar and sees a man with a head the size of a cue ball sitting there, so he walks down and says to the man, “Excuse me, sir, I don’t mean to be rude, but I noticed you have a small head. Is this a birth defect?” The man says, “No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship, so I swam to shore.” “Then one day, a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.” “What she’d say?” the curious stranger asked. “She said, ‘I can’t grant that wish, because mermaids can’t have sex.’ ” “So,” continued the old man with a dejected look on his face, “I said, ‘How about a little head?’ ”

12-07-2003, 12:44 AM
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?” The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.” The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss ththiickk?” The clerk responds, “Yes we do.” “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ddddaaammmmnnn ttthingggg offffff?”

12-07-2003, 12:56 AM
wow u got jokes fo days.

12-07-2003, 10:56 AM
and there's more to come :D :D :D

12-07-2003, 06:04 PM
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed. “Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.” “What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?” “Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

12-07-2003, 06:08 PM
Worried about their less-than-exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist, who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis. And, to the wife's joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: “She’s not my wife…She’s not my wife…She’s not my wife…”

12-07-2003, 07:57 PM
An old man walks into a doctor’s office and says, “There’s something wrong with my penis.” The embarrassed receptionist leans over her desk and whispers, “Sir, you shouldn’t say something like that in a crowded office.” “What am I supposed to do?” he asks. “You could’ve said you have a problem with your ear and then discussed it with the doctor privately.” “OK, I’ll try again.” So the old man walks out of the office, returns a moment later, and says, “There’s something wrong with my ear.” “OK,” the receptionist says approvingly. “What’s wrong with your ear?” “I can’t piss out of it.”

12-08-2003, 01:30 AM

12-08-2003, 03:27 AM
Some great stuff B M keep them coming mate.

12-08-2003, 02:26 PM
A drunken sailor gives a hooker $100, and they proceed to a back bedroom. After a few minutes, the sailor asks, “How am I doing?” “About three knots,” says the hooker. “Three knots?” asks the sailor. “What are you talking about?” “You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

12-08-2003, 02:28 PM
A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. “You’re not from around here, are you, bud?” says the bartender. “No,” replies the guy. “I’m actually from Boston.” “Whatcha do up in that fancy Boston?” asks the bartender. “I’m a taxidermist.” “What the heck’s a taxidermist?” “I mount dead animals.” “It’s OK, boys,” announces the bartender. “He’s one of us!”

12-08-2003, 02:37 PM
A small company teeters on the edge of bankruptcy and so the owner summons his two-man sales force into his office. “Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.” “What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”

12-08-2003, 05:35 PM
Originally posted by baccy_man@5 December 2003 - 15:59
A distraught young woman decides to throw herself into the ocean. Down at the docks, a handsome young sailor notices her tears, takes pity on her, and says, "Hey, you’ve got a lot to live for. All you need is a new start. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slips his arm around her shoulders and adds, "I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy." She agrees, and the sailor brings her aboard that night and hides her in a lifeboat. Every night he brings her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they make passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she is discovered by the ship’s captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asks. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explains. "He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me." "He sure is, lady," says the captain. "This is the Staten Island ferry."
Class! :lol:

12-08-2003, 08:26 PM
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. “I hope you don’t mind,” she says to the two men, “but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” She strips naked and rolls the dice. As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down, squealing, “I won, I won!” She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, then walks away quickly. The dealers stare at each other for a few minutes until one asks, “What did she roll?” “Hell, I don’t know,” says the other. “I thought you were watching.”

12-08-2003, 08:42 PM
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?” The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s for dinner, honey?” He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for supper?” She screams, “For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!”

12-09-2003, 01:48 AM
Originally posted by baccy_man@9 December 2003 - 09:26
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table when a hot blonde walks up and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. “I hope you don’t mind,” she says to the two men, “but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” She strips naked and rolls the dice. As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down, squealing, “I won, I won!” She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and her clothes, then walks away quickly. The dealers stare at each other for a few minutes until one asks, “What did she roll?” “Hell, I don’t know,” says the other. “I thought you were watching.”
:lol: :lol: Should have kept their eyes on the dice instead of the Tits.

A Good one

12-09-2003, 04:17 PM
Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

12-09-2003, 04:21 PM
Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn't in the least fazed by the question: "Name the three advantages of breast milk." Quickly he wrote:
1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.

2. As it is contained within the mother's body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child's immune system. Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brain until he'd broken intoa sweat, he finally scribbled:

3. It comes in such nice containers.

12-09-2003, 04:28 PM
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

12-09-2003, 07:58 PM
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?", he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?", he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea."

12-09-2003, 08:04 PM
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"


12-09-2003, 08:09 PM
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, by the grace of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory voice, he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship - feasting on God's Holy Word and praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers!

12-09-2003, 08:14 PM
A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been? What are you doing?"
"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra." "Spectacular!" the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold, and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he says 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH THE GODDAMN PICCOLO!"

12-09-2003, 09:16 PM
A Zebra in a circus became sick. So the owner decided it to leave it in a farm until it recovered. After a few days the zebra was well enough to walk around, and so he decided to take a walk around the farm.
While going around he met a chicken, and he said, "I am a Zebra, I work in a circus. Who are you?"

The chicken replied, "I am a chicken, I scratch the ground and lay eggs."

He then met a cow, and after similar introduction, the cow said, "I am a cow, I say moo, and I give milk. When I can't give milk, they eat me."

After he had met all the animals, he approached the last - a bull. "I am a Zebra, I work in the circus. Who are you, and what do you do?"

The bull said, "Take off those pajamas and I'll show you who I am and what I do."

12-09-2003, 09:34 PM
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied.

"Both of them are daddy longlegs,"

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat.

"Well, we're not having THAT sort of sh*t in our garden."

12-09-2003, 09:39 PM
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

12-09-2003, 10:12 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Keep this up Baccy man, as long as you can, great thread

12-09-2003, 10:59 PM
thank you will going for a while yet

12-10-2003, 12:26 PM
Originally posted by baccy_man+9 December 2003 - 20:16--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (baccy_man &#064; 9 December 2003 - 20:16)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> A Zebra in a circus became sick. So the owner decided it to leave it in a farm until it recovered. After a few days the zebra was well enough to walk around, and so he decided to take a walk around the farm.
While going around he met a chicken, and he said, "I am a Zebra, I work in a circus. Who are you?"

The chicken replied, "I am a chicken, I scratch the ground and lay eggs."

He then met a cow, and after similar introduction, the cow said, "I am a cow, I say moo, and I give milk. When I can&#39;t give milk, they eat me."

After he had met all the animals, he approached the last - a bull. "I am a Zebra, I work in the circus. Who are you, and what do you do?"

The bull said, "Take off those pajamas and I&#39;ll show you who I am and what I do." [/b]
You already posted this on the

<!--QuoteBegin-baccy_man@2 December 2003 - 23:49
A Zebra in a circus became sick. So the owner decided it to leave it in a farm until it recovered. After a few days the zebra was well enough to walk around, and so he decided to take a walk around the farm.
While going around he met a chicken, and he said, "I am a Zebra, I work in a circus. Who are you?"

The chicken replied, "I am a chicken, I scratch the ground and lay eggs."

He then met a cow, and after similar introduction, the cow said, "I am a cow, I say moo, and I give milk. When I can&#39;t give milk, they eat me."

After he had met all the animals, he approached the last - a bull. "I am a Zebra, I work in the circus. Who are you, and what do you do?"

The bull said, "Take off those pajamas and I&#39;ll show you who I am and what I do."

New jokes only please&#33;&#33; :D :P

12-10-2003, 04:30 PM
A husband and wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don&#39;t have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can&#39;t believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... "HEBREWS"

12-10-2003, 04:35 PM
There is a space shuttle mission with 2 monkeys and a woman on board. The headquarters in the US calls: "Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature of engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So monkey #1 does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.
A few moments later headquarters calls again: "Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits down and he is told to add carbon dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radtiation. The monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please woman, approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....

"I know I know&#33;&#33; Feed the monkeys, and don&#39;t touch anything else."

12-10-2003, 08:10 PM
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What&#39;s he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

12-10-2003, 08:11 PM
Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he&#39;d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let&#39;s do it&#33; We&#39;ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune&#33; I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can&#39;t take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can&#39;t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the behind and said, &#39;Well babe, is it snuggling or golf?&#39; and she said, "Take a sweater

12-11-2003, 05:44 PM
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I&#39;m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don&#39;t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn&#39;t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

12-11-2003, 06:11 PM
A physically large guys meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.
As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for ... the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says "See there, baby? That&#39;s 1000 pounds of dynamite&#33;".

She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, and strikes a muscle builders pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs "See those, baby? That&#39;s 1000 pounds of dynamite&#33;".

She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks

"Why are you in such a hurry to leave?".

She replies "with 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow&#33;"

12-11-2003, 06:21 PM
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled."we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6, 7,8,9,10&#33;"
"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I&#39;m blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it&#39;s because you&#39;re blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G&#33;"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I&#39;m blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it&#39;s because you&#39;re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these&#33;" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I&#39;m blonde, mommy?"
"No .... it&#39;s because you&#39;re 25."

12-12-2003, 05:18 PM
A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met. “Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…” “But what, son?” asks the father. “She’s a virgin.” The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”

12-12-2003, 05:22 PM
“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I’ve been with a loose woman.” The priest sighs. “Is that you, little Tommy O’Shaughnessy?” “Yes, Father, ’tis I.” “And who might be the woman you were with?” “I shan’t be tellin’ you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.” “Well, Tommy, I’m bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?” “I cannot say.” “Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?” “I’ll never tell.” “Was it Lisa O’Shanter?” “I’m sorry, but I’ll not name her.” “Was it Cathy O’Dell?” “My lips are sealed.” “Was it Fiona Mallory, then?” “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.” The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy O’ Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.” Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?” “Five more good leads&#33;”

12-12-2003, 05:29 PM
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?” “We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate&#33;” “TWA&#33;” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?” “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump&#33; That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?” “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it&#33;” A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. “It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited o me hand and foot. And the hotel&#33; Well, it was great&#33; They’d just finished a &#036;25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge&#33;” “Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.” “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.” “What’d he say?” He said, “Where’d you get that shitty haircut?”

12-13-2003, 12:48 AM
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer. “But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me&#33;” “Bring them along&#33;” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.” “But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids&#33;” he answered. “Bring them as well&#33;” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.” The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall&#33;”

12-13-2003, 12:52 AM
A man wakes to a beautiful, sunny day. “Honey,” he says, shaking his wife, “wake up. We’re going fishing.” “I don’t know…” she mumbles. “I’m going out to get the dog and load up the truck,” he says. “When I get back, you decide: Come fishing, give me a blow job, or take it up the ass.” She rolls her eyes, but when he comes back she starts to unzip him. “I see you’ve made your decision,” he says, pulling down his pants. “What’s that smell?” she asks, wincing. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “the dog didn’t wanna go, either.”

12-13-2003, 12:54 AM
Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock. "So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" "Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

12-13-2003, 02:52 PM
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn&#39;t show up."
"Sure," they said, "You&#39;re welcome."

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I&#39;m a hit man," was the reply.

"You&#39;re joking&#33;" was the response.

"No, I&#39;m not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper&#39;s rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That&#39;s a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she&#39;s naked&#33; What&#39;s that? Wait a minute, that&#39;s my neighbor in there with her... he&#39;s naked as well&#33; The bitch&#33;"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she&#39;s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he&#39;s a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

12-13-2003, 02:59 PM
A woman was having a terrible time sleeping. Her large dog, which slept in the bedroom with her and her husband, snored like a buzz saw. She contacted the Vet who told her of an old remedy that was handed down to him by an old Southern lady. He said when the dog began to snore, tie a ribbon around the dog&#39;s testicles.
Hoping for a good night sleep, she looked into her sewing kit and found a short piece of red ribbon and placed it on the night stand. When the dog began to snore she got up and delicately tied the red ribbon around the dog&#39;s testicles. The dog immediately stopped snoring and stayed asleep. Amazing she thought, and quickly went back to sleep.

Later that evening, her husband came home from a night out with the boys, stumbled into the bedroom and after undressing, flopped into bed. He immediately began to snore loudly, waking his wife. She reasoned that if it worked for the dog, maybe it would work for her husband. She got up and went to her sewing kit where she found a length of blue ribbon. Quietly and softly she tied the ribbon around her husbands testicles and he immediately quit snoring. She was amazed again and promptly returned to sleep.

The next morning the husband awoke with a terrible hangover and as he stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself saw the blue ribbon around his testicles. As he walked into the bedroom, he saw the red ribbon around the dog&#39;s testicles. Through his haze, he muttered off handily to the dog, "I don&#39;t know what we did last night, but at least we finished first and second."

12-13-2003, 09:26 PM
Two guys are chatting in a bar, complaining about their wives. “My wife is really dumb,” says the first guy. “Last week she bought a brand-new car, and she doesn’t even know how to drive.” “That’s nothing,” says the second guy. “Last week I found a bunch of condoms in my wife’s purse, and she doesn’t even have a penis&#33;”

Prince of Darkness
12-14-2003, 10:48 AM

lol <_<

12-14-2003, 12:51 PM
the one with the Hitman was great,keep them coming BM you&#39;ve got some really funny ones there :D :lol: :lol:

12-14-2003, 06:06 PM
A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes a genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East and asks the genie if he can bring peace to this part of the world. The genie pales, and says, “Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen.” “OK”, the guy says, “tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me with the best blow job I’ve ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON&#33;” The genie shakes his head and says, “Let me see that map again.”

12-14-2003, 06:11 PM
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates. Since they’ve all led exemplary lives, he lets each say any woman’s name and she’ll go back to Earth for six months as that person. “Sophia Loren,” says the first nun—and poof, she disappears. “Madonna,” says the second nun, and she disappears, too. “Sara Piplini,” says the third nun. “Who’s that?” asks St. Peter. The nun hands him a newspaper clipping. He reads and says, “I’m sorry, sister, but you’ve got it all wrong. It’s the Sahara Pipeline that was laid by 1,400 men in six months.”

12-15-2003, 12:02 AM
Funniest jokes I&#39;ve seen on the internet, but could you now take down the picture of my wife? 122 posts is a little out of hand.



12-15-2003, 03:30 PM
A biker walks into a yuppie bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes&#33;” He looks around, obviously hoping for a challenge. Finally a guy comes up to him, taps him on the shoulder, and says, “Take that back.” The biker says, “Why? Are you a lawyer?” “No, I’m an asshole.”

12-15-2003, 04:31 PM
Cure for the Cough
John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing. He ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering his boss&#39; warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn&#39;t find the dang cough syrup. So, I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax?&#33;&#33; That won&#39;t cure a cough&#33;" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will&#33;" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Just look at him. He&#39;s afraid to cough."

12-15-2003, 04:50 PM
An Iraqi soldier buys a camel, ties it up outside his local bar, and walks inside. “Nice camel,” says one of his buddies. “Is it male or female?” “Female,” he replies. “How can you tell?” asks his friend. “Well, on the way over here,” the man explains, “I heard this guy yell, ‘Hey, look at the big c**t on that camel&#33;’”

12-15-2003, 05:52 PM
Final Confessions
As the husband lay on his deathbed with his wife sitting next to him he looked up at his wife and said, "Dear, I have to make a confession."
"You don&#39;t need to do that," said the wife.
"No dear, I really want to clear my conscience before I die. I cheated on you. I slept with your best friend, your sister and even your mother."
The wife says, "I know. That&#39;s why I poisoned your coffee you bastard&#33;"

12-15-2003, 11:48 PM
George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington. With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered. Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked. Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”

12-16-2003, 11:51 PM
A guy out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right to the nuts. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he asked,“How bad is it, Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin.” The doctor said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks.” Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, “You’ll be the first; no one has ever touched these before.” The new bridegroom dropped his pants and said, “Look at this — it’s still in the crate&#33;”

12-16-2003, 11:54 PM
A man is having problems with his penis, which has certainly seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, “I’m sorry, but you’ve simply overdone it for the last 30 years and your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left.” The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem, so he tells her. “Oh no&#33;” she exclaims. “Only 30 times&#33; We shouldn’t waste that&#33; We should make a list&#33;” “Yes,” he replies. “I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”

12-17-2003, 12:28 AM
good god man

the laughs never stop with u :lol: :lol: :lol: damn keep&#39;em coming tho there all pretty damn good

12-17-2003, 04:36 PM
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?” “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Fuck him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”

12-17-2003, 04:44 PM
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see&#33;” So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse. Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there. Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry&#33;&#33; You’ll kill yourself&#33;&#33;” But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.” “Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”

12-18-2003, 03:20 PM
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female drunk and passed out. Out of respect for the lady, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?” “Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole.”

12-18-2003, 03:41 PM
A man and his wife go to the site of their honeymoon for their 25th anniversary. As the couple is reflecting on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asks the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replies, “All I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry.” “What are you thinking now?” the wife asks as she undresses. The husband quickly replies: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”

12-18-2003, 03:57 PM
A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo after it had run a stop sign. “May I see your driver’s license and registration please.” “What’s the problem, officer?” “You just ran that stop sign back there.” “Oh come on, pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me.” “Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.” “You gotta be kidding me&#33;” “It’s no joke, sir.” “Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.” “That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and—” “You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?” “Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately.” “I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.” The policeman had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. “Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”

12-19-2003, 03:55 PM
After having their eleventh child, a Missouri couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to light a cherry bomb, put it in a beer can, hold the can up to his ear and then count to 10. The Ozark said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how pukiding a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.” “Trust me,” said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1…2…3…4…5…” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

12-19-2003, 03:57 PM
Bill Clinton trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want. The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends&#33;” and Bill replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.” The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which Bill says, “I&#39;ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them&#33;” The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset&#33;” Clinton, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.” The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry ass from drowning.”

12-19-2003, 04:17 PM
The owner of a horse farm receives a call from a friend, who informs him of a midget with a speech impediment who&#39;s interested in buying a horse. The owner has him send the midget over. The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” replies the midget. So the owner shows him one. “Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?” So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?” Promptly, the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s eyes. “Ok, what about the eerth?” At this point, the owner is becoming aggravated, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears. “OK, finally, can I see her twat?” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s vagina, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget laments, “Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?”

12-19-2003, 09:37 PM

Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You can&#39;t take your time.
No pencil or paper&#33; OK? Let&#39;s find out just how smart and clever you really are.
Ready? .......... GO&#33;&#33;&#33;

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the
second person. What position are you in?

ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong&#33;
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second&#33;
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don&#39;t take as much time as you took for
the first question. (You know you took too much time.)

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?&#33;

THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky math&#33; Note: This must be done in your head
only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 10.
What is the total?

ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don&#39;t
believe it? Check with your calculator&#33; Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right.........

LAST QUESTION: Mary&#39;s father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

ANSWER: Nunu? Nana? Nene? NO NO&#33; Of course not. The fifth daughter&#39;s
name is Mary. Read the question again.

You ARE the WEAKEST LINK&#33;&#33; Pass this along to someone else who could stand a little fun and a challenge today

12-20-2003, 07:57 PM
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person…because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large…all in the name of humor.” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee&#33;”

12-20-2003, 08:04 PM
A man is walking through the mall with his teen-age son. The son is tossing a quarter up in the air and catching it between his teeth. On one such attempt, the boy fails to clamp down with his teeth and ends up getting the quarter lodged in his throat. As the boy begins to choke and wheeze the father panicks and starts yelling for help. Not to far from the action is a man sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper and drinking his coffee, when he hears the fathers distressed cries he patiently puts down his coffee and folds his paper, he then walks slowly over to the boy and grabs him by the balls and squeezes the shit out of them. The boy coughs up the quarter and the man catches it in his hand and proceeds to walk away with it, sitting back down to his coffee. The amazed father runs over and says “Thank You Sir, you saved my son’s life, are you a Doctor?” “No” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”

12-20-2003, 08:34 PM
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A Billionaire."

12-20-2003, 08:41 PM
After dozens of very expensive tests and weeks of hospitalization, the rich old man was told he had only 24 hours to live.

He immediately called his doctor and his lawyer to his room. He asked the doctor to stand by one side of his bed and his lawyer to stand by the other.

After standing for some time, the doctor asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."

A while later, the lawyer asked "What do you want me to do?"
"Nothing. Just stand there."

As the hours wore on, the doctor and the lawyer watched the man weaken. When his time had almost arrived, the doctor and the lawyer again asked "Why are we standing here?"

"Well," said the old man, "Christ died between two thieves, so I thought I&#39;d do the same&#33;

12-21-2003, 07:42 PM
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair. After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?" "It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

12-21-2003, 07:50 PM
A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about “pussy,” and their “bitch.” The boy, confused by this, approaches his mother. “Mom, what’s a pussy?” The mother, startled by this, thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says “Son, that is a pussy.” The son then asks “What’s a bitch?” The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says “Son, this is a bitch.” The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says “Dad, what’s a pussy?” The father doesn’t want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out a copy of Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says “Son, this is a pussy&#33;” The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks “Then, what is a bitch?” The dad replies, “Everything outside the circle.”

12-22-2003, 07:53 PM
A U.S. Customs agent and her dog are on a plane. After it takes off, the agent turns to the dog and commands, “Sniff.” The K-9 trots down the aisle and sits next to a teenager. It then returns to the woman and puts one paw on her arm. “Is that dog checking for drugs?” asks a man sitting beside her. “Yes he is. He just found someone carrying marijuana,” she explains. “We’ll arrest him upon arrival.” “Wow&#33;” replies the man. She again commands the dog to sniff. It trots back down the aisle and moments later races back and craps all over the place. “What happened?” yells the man. The agent screams, “He just found a bomb&#33;”

12-22-2003, 07:58 PM
A father is passing by his son’s college late one night on a business trip and decides to stop in for a visit. Arriving at what he thinks is the fraternity house, he knocks on the front door. “Whaddaya want?” a voice calls down from the second floor. “Does Jimmy Duncan live here?” the father calls up. “Yup,” replies the voice. “Just leave him on the porch like usual.”

12-22-2003, 08:01 PM
A man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with another man. “What are you doing?” he yells. “See?” the wife says to her lover. “I told you he was dumb.”

12-22-2003, 08:42 PM
A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand
and asks the man, &#39;&#39;Sir, how old do you think I am&#39;&#39;? The man
replies &#39;&#39;You&#39;re 30, right?&#39;&#39; She says &#39;&#39;No, I&#39;m 47, but nice
try.&#39;&#39; The next day, she goes to McDonald&#39;s. She orders her
lunch and asks the young man at the counter, &#39;&#39;How old do you
think I am?&#39;&#39; The man replies, &#39;&#39;You&#39;re 37, right?&#39;&#39; The lady
says &#39;&#39;No, I&#39;m 47, but good guess.&#39;&#39; After lunch, she gets on
the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He
replies &#39;&#39;Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties.&#39;&#39; So, quietly and quickly, she lets him
do so. He thinks a moment and announces, &#39;&#39;You&#39;re 47&#33;&#39;&#39; The
lady, astonished, asks, &#39;&#39;How did you know?&#39;&#39; The old man
replies &#39;&#39;I was standing right behind you at McDonald&#39;s.&#39;&#39;

12-22-2003, 08:52 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They&#39;re bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women&#39;s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what exactly do those symbolize?"

The man replied with a smirk on his face, "They&#39;re Carols".

12-23-2003, 04:37 PM
Three black women were about to go on vacation. As they were getting ready to drive to the airport, one of them says, “I’m gonna wear red pants, so that if the plane crashes, they’ll be sure to find me.” The second one says, “That’s a good idea. I’m gonna wear yellow pants, so that if the plane crashes, they’ll be sure to find me.” The third one says, “I’m not going to wear any pants at all.” To which the other two respond, “Why would you not wear any pants at all?” “Don’t you know the first thing they look for in a plane crash?” the third one replies. “The black box&#33;”

12-23-2003, 04:41 PM
“My God&#33; What happened to you?” the bartender asks Sean as he hobbles in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. “I got in a tiff with Riley,” he replies. “Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the bartender says. “He must have had a weapon in his hand.” “That he did. A shovel it was.” “Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” “Aye, that I did—Mrs. Riley’s left tit,” Sean laments. “And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight

12-23-2003, 04:47 PM
Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways. After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man. "Congratulations&#33;" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it." "Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor. "We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

12-23-2003, 08:30 PM
Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she&#39;ll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight&#33;" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP &#33;&#33;&#33; It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE&#33;&#33;&#33;"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

12-23-2003, 08:45 PM
A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband&#39;s cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper&#39;s Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

12-29-2003, 04:46 PM
An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 23rd floor of a building. While they were eating lunch, the Irishman shrieked, “Corned beef and cabbage&#33; If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunchbox and exclaimed, “Burritos again&#33; If I get Burritos one more time, I’m going to jump, too.” The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again&#33; If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping, too.” The very next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and promptly jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his, sees a Burrito, and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch box, sees the Bologna and also jumps to his death. At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife cries, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again.” The Mexican’s wife also weeps, and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas. I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.” Finally, the attentions of all in the room turn toward the redneck’s wife, who protests, “Hey, don’t look at me&#33; That dumbass makes his own lunch.”

12-29-2003, 04:48 PM
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. “Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?” “No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?”

12-30-2003, 03:08 PM
A medical student decided to study sexual dysfunction as his specialty. On his first day in the hospital, the chief doctor decided to show him around and to start teaching his new student about this area of medicine. As part of the training, the chief doctor decided to bring the student around to all the patients in his wing so the student could see firsthand some of the diseases. The doctor opened the first patient’s door and the student was stunned to see the patient masturbating The doctor explained that this patient had a rare sexual dysfunction that if he didn’t have an orgasm every five minutes, he would go into traumatic shock. The chief doctor proceeded to show the medical student different patients and carefully explained each problem so the student would understand well. Finally they came upon another room and when the doctor opened the door, the student was shocked to see a nurse performing oral sex on the patient. Confused, the student asked, “What disease does this man have?” “Oh,” said the doctor, “He has the same problem as the first patient, he just has a better health plan.”

12-30-2003, 03:12 PM
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ’95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in your case; I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.” Bill replied, “well, what’s the difference between the two?” St. Peter said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” “I’ll leave that up to you.” “Okay then,” said Bill, “Let’s try Hell first.” So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great&#33;” he told St. Peter. “If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven&#33;” “Fine,” said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told St. Peter. “Fine,” retorted St. Peter, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. “How’s everything going?” he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “this is awful&#33; This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago&#33; I can’t believe this is happening&#33; What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?” “That was a screen saver,” replied St. Peter.

12-30-2003, 08:05 PM
This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls
out a beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of
those?" Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your
asshole?" to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can&#39;t
have one." A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the
boy asks, "Can I have on of those?"

Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"
to which the little boy responds "No." "Then you can&#39;t have
one." Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for
food and each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the
little boy says "I just won &#036;50,000"

Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to
touch your asshole?" "Yes," Says grandpa. "Then go fuck

12-30-2003, 08:11 PM
One fine summer day, a man took his 6 year-old daughter to the
beach. This was in fact a nude beach. So, they got undressed and
laid on the beach towel. The little girl saw the man&#39;s penis and
asked, "Daddy, what&#39;s that?" He replied, "That&#39;s my bird. Don&#39;t
touch my bird. He&#39;ll get mad." So, the little girl left the bird
alone and started to make a sand castle. Time goes by and she
realizes that her daddy was sleeping. The bird was staring right
at her, so she decides to go and pet it. The man wakes up in the
hospital. He asks his daughter, "What happened? Why am I in the
hospital?" She says, "Well, I saw your lonely bird just sitting
there, and I wanted to pet it. So I did. The next thing I knew,
he stood up and spit all over me&#33; So, I burned its nest, smashed
its eggs, and broke its neck."

12-30-2003, 08:22 PM
The Gambler&#39;s Son

Little Johnny&#39;s dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a
few of his old man&#39;s bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and
everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a
problem, that Johnny&#39;s teacher called his father to discuss it.
After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You&#39;re not
really blonde," he said. "I&#39;ve seen your bush and it&#39;s pitch
black, you dye your hair." "I most certainly do not," she
replied. "I bet you ten bucks you do," he said. She saw that
this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for
all the other children to leave the class and took off her
pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the
hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked
sullenly out of the room.

A few hours later Johnny&#39;s teacher called his father. "I think I
finally taught him a lesson," she said. "The hell you have," his
father said angrily. "This morning he bet me &#036;50 he&#39;d see your
c**t before the end of the day."

12-30-2003, 11:10 PM
A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a
fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly dude. He asks
the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she&#39;s
a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that
someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night
he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again,
only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches

"Is it true you&#39;re a prostitute?"

"Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I dunno. What do you charge?"

"I get &#036;100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there..."

"&#036;100&#33;?&#33; For a handjob? Are you nuts?"

"You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front
door, and sure enough there&#39;s a shiny new Ferrari parked
outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on
hand jobs. Trust me, it&#39;s worth it."

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He
leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he&#39;s
ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual
experience in his miserable life. The next night he&#39;s back at
the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he
immediately approaches her.

"Last night was incredible&#33;"

"Of course it was. Just wait til you try one of my blow jobs..."

"How much is that?"


"&#036;500&#33;?&#33; C&#39;mon, that&#39;s ridiculous&#33;"

"You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy
looks out front at a 12 story apartment building. "I paid cash
for that building with the money I made on blow jobs. Trust me,
it&#39;s worth it."

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He
leaves with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly
faints - twice. The next night he can hardly contain himself
until she shows up.

"I&#39;m hooked, you&#39;re the best&#33; Tell me, what&#39;ll it cost me for
some pussy?"

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the
street, here between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You
see that island?"

"Aw, c&#39;mon&#33; You can&#39;t mean that&#33;"

She nods her head. "You bet. If I had a pussy, I&#39;d own

12-30-2003, 11:24 PM
Fucking Tree

A guy looking for a job finds that a certain mill is hiring
lumberjacks. So he goes out to the mill and talks to the foreman
who tells him all about the job, pay, and housing for all of the
lumberjacks. Everything looks perfect and the guy is ready to go
to work at once.

But when he was walking around he noticed that there weren&#39;t any
women around. So he pulls the foreman aside and asks him what
everyone does for sex. The foreman laughs and brings him over to
this big tree that has a hole in it. "This is the fucking tree.
Whenever you get horny, come over and put your dick in the hole
and fuck away. Trust me, it does the trick every time." The man
thinks it&#39;s kind of odd, but takes the job anyway.

The days go by and soon the man gets horny. He thinks about
taking it out on the tree, but it still seems weird to him, so
he goes to his room and jacks off. A week passes and the guy
gets hornier and hornier and jacking off isn&#39;t enough for him.
So finally he figures, "What the hell," and sneaks over to the
fucking tree in the middle of the night, whips out his dick and
puts it in the hole. To his surprise, it feels great&#33; Soon
enough he starts to fuck the shit out of it. After a great
session he goes back to bed with a big smile.

The next day after a hard day of work, he makes another visit to
the tree and it&#39;s even better this time. Again he pounds away at
the tree. He can&#39;t believe how amazing the tree is and wonders
what kind of magic tree they have. Things just couldn&#39;t get
better for him.

The following day, he runs to the tree after work, hurriedly
takes out his dick and puts it into the sweet warm fucking tree.
The tree just gets better and better everyday. He goes at it
again, and afterwards can hardly walk.

The next day all he can think about is going back to the fucking
tree. Every tree that he cuts down is one less tree in his way
of the fucking tree. Finally the day is done, and he takes off
for the tree. Pulls out his dick, grabs hold of the tree, and
shoves it in. Nothing. The man is shocked. He tries again, but
still nothing. Feeling very frustrated, the man storms off to
the foreman. "What&#39;s wrong with the fucking tree? I&#39;ve been
there three times already and it&#39;s been better each time, but
today, I ran up to it, stuck my dick in and nothing happened.
What the hell happened?" The foreman thinks for a second and
then says, "Oh yeah, I know, didn&#39;t they tell you? Today&#39;s your
day in the tree."

Autumn Fox
12-31-2003, 12:41 AM
I must say that you gave me pleasent time with thoes jokes. Wonderful post, and i hope that you wil continue on posting.

Rip The Jacker
12-31-2003, 12:48 AM
Great jokes baccy_man&#33; :lol: :lol:

Keep &#39;em coming.

12-31-2003, 01:01 AM
thanks guy&#39;s glad that you are enjoying the jokes . nice to know that people are reading them . here&#39;s another

How they killed the "Texas Eel"

Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy
should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other
boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to
hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her
boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least
his version).

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out
all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her,
and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She
started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt,
when he did this she began to moan and sigh.

Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was
lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and
unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don&#39;t know what
it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it
in his hands so it wouldn&#39;t get away. Sis tried to help him, so
she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and
stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on
it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.

The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her
boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought
the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it
was slipping out and stuck it back in.

Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they
let the eel move but it didn&#39;t. It tried to get away but her
boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there
limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and
her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn&#39;t
come back to life again, so the battle started again.

Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time
they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin
off and flush it down the toilet."

12-31-2003, 05:12 PM
Once upon a time there was a young red neck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmers
wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw
Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become
aroused for the first time and shocked, ran to find the farmer
to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and
whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don&#39;t worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But i don&#39;t like it&#33;" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into
the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It&#39;ll
go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and
saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting
hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked
up two handfulls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.
"Well," Jack replied,"I&#39;m gonna rub this shit on my dick to make
it go down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the
ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don&#39;t you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfulls.

12-31-2003, 05:16 PM
The Top 10 Reasons Why It Sucks To Be A Dick

10. You&#39;ve got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a pussy.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you&#39;re Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

1. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

12-31-2003, 05:31 PM
One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the
house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman
liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini
that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a
point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for
yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to
the front door of the new neighbor&#39;s house, he knocked and
waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn&#39;t help noticing
how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her
breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I
could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla was about to deck
our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled
him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments.
Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you
can kiss my wife&#39;s tits."

At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of
desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and
proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This
went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed.
"Well, come on already, kiss &#39;em&#33;" he growled.

"I can&#39;t," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don&#39;t have ten thousand dollars."

12-31-2003, 05:44 PM
That SOB

Priest: What is your sin child?
Girl : I confess father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch...
Priest: Why?
Girl : Father he touched me....
Priest: Like this????
(The priest then touches the girl...)
Girl : Yes&#33;&#33;&#33;
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he stripped me naked...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then rips the girl&#39;s clothes off.)
Girl : Yes&#33;&#33;&#33;
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : Yes but then he had sex with me...
Priest: Like this???
(The priest then has wild sex with her.)
Girl : Yes exactly like that&#33;&#33;&#33;
Priest: But that is no reason to call a man a son-of-a-bitch.
Girl : But father he had genitle herpees&#33;&#33;&#33;
Priest: That son-of-a-bitch&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;

12-31-2003, 05:55 PM
The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about
how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says that,
in England, people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women
are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that, in Russia, you call it
a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on
the back side. The wife of Chirac says that, in France, you call it a
curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well the wife of Clinton says
in the USA, you call it a rumour, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

01-01-2004, 06:23 PM
A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on. “Listening to music,” the guy says. Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, “And what’s she doing?” “Reading a magazine, of course.” “How old are you?” asks the officer. “I’m 28.” “And how old is she?” The guy looks at his watch and says, “Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18.”

01-01-2004, 06:50 PM
Laugh at the Pregnant Lady

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.
When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and
he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn&#39;t help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, &#39;Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.&#39;
Then she moved under one that read, &#39;Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.&#39; I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, &#39;William&#39;s Stick Did The Trick.&#39; Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, &#39;Dunlop Rubber would
have prevented this accident.&#39;" He won the case.

01-01-2004, 11:31 PM
The Quickie

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment
was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
operation. "There&#39;s a car being towed from the parking lot," he
said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few minutes passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt&#39;s
riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" The startled
father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

01-01-2004, 11:37 PM
3 Wishes and the Mother In Law

There once was a man who traveled to a strange foreign country,
and while he was there he found a strange old lamp of some sort.
When he got home he polished off the lamp, and out came a genie.
Then the genie said "I&#39;ll give you three wishes, but on one
condition, your mother in law gets twice as much as you wish."

So the man decided for his first wish that he wanted 1 billion
dollars, so his mother in law (who lived across the street) got
2 billion dollars. For the man&#39;s second wish he decided that he
wanted to have a 200 room mansion, so his mother in law got a
400 room mansion. For the man&#39;s last wish, he took a long time
to think it out, and then he said to the genie, "I wish you
choked me half to death."

01-01-2004, 11:43 PM
A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple inside a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver’s seat and a young lady sitting in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the driver’s window and asks what’s going on. “Listening to music,” the guy says. Pointing toward the young lady in the backseat, the officer asks, “And what’s she doing?” “Reading a magazine, of course.” “How old are you?” asks the officer. “I’m 28.” “And how old is she?” The guy looks at his watch and says, “Well, in 11 minutes she’ll be 18.”

That was a good one :)

Mr. Elmo
01-01-2004, 11:51 PM
whooooaaaa this is the first post i saw w/ [b][o][t] in it taht i can reply to...most of the post i see him in, gets closed :lol: :lol: :lol:

Infested Cats
01-02-2004, 07:38 AM
Originally posted by baccy_man@15 December 2003 - 19:48
George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington. With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered. Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked. Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”

01-02-2004, 06:04 PM
Full of Crap

One morning, an old lady goes to the grocery store to buy cat
food for her little cat. She looks around and picks the most
expensive kind of cat food. As she approaches the cashier, she
tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little kitty." The clerk
tells the old lady that she can&#39;t sell her the cat food because
a lot of old people buy cat food to eat it. She then tells the
old lady that she needs proof that she has a cat. So the old
lady goes home, takes her cat, and drags it to the store. Once
the clerk sees that the old lady actually has a cat, she sells
her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady goes to the grocery store again this
time to buy dog food. She looks around and picks the most
expensive kind of dog food. As she approaches the cashier, she
tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little puppy." The clerk
tells the old lady that she can&#39;t sell her the dog food because
a lot of old people buy dog food to eat it. She then tells the
old lady that she needs proof that she has a dog. So the old
lady, who is now very frustrated, goes home, takes her dog, and
drags it to the store. Once the clerk sees that the old lady
actually has a dog, she sells her the dog food.

The next day the old lady goes back to the grocery store with a
jar in her hands. The jar is covered with old newspapers and it
has a little hole at the top. The old lady goes directly to the
clerk and politely asks the clerk to stick her finger in. The
clerk immediately refuses because she is afraid that the old
lady has a snake inside. The old lady assures the clerk that
there is nothing in the jar that will bite her. So the clerk
sticks her finger inside the jar and feels around. She tells the
old lady that whatever is inside, is very soft and mushy. The
old lady now tells the clerk to take her finger out, and smell
it. The clerk does what she is told. As soon as she begins to
smell her finger, she starts to yell. She told the old lady that
the jar is full of crap and her finger smells like shit. The old
lady, with a smile from one ear to the other, tells the clerk,
"Very well. Now Do you think I can buy three rolls of toilet

01-02-2004, 06:13 PM

First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son that they always wanted.

After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters
I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you
been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said....."Not this time."

Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremanted, he discovered the longest private part he
had ever seen&#33;

"I&#39;m sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can&#39;t send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part
like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that,
the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man&#39;s member.

The coroner stuffed his prize into his briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won&#39;t beleive." he said, and
opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God&#33;" she screamed....."Schwartz is dead&#33;"

Third Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and
asks for a bear.

"Certainly sir, that&#39;ll be one cent."

"ONE CENT&#33;" exclaimed the guy.

Teh barman replied "Yes."

So the guy glances over at the menu and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"

"Certainly sir" replies the bartender, but all that comes to
real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents", he replies.

"FOUR cents&#33;" exclaims the guy. Where&#39;s the guy who owns this

The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What&#39;s he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies, "Same as I&#39;m doing to his business."

01-02-2004, 06:23 PM
Why We Love Kids

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later,
"Da-ad..." "What?" "I&#39;m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes
later... "Da-aaad...." "What??" "I&#39;m Thirsty&#33;Can I have a drink
of water?" "I told you NO&#33; If you ask again I&#39;ll have to spank
you&#33;" Five minutes later......"DAAAA-AAAAD......" "WHAT&#33;&#33;" "When
you come in to spank me...can you bring a drink of water?"


One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking a small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the
light he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can&#39;t dear," she said " I have to sleep in
Daddy;s room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."


During the Sunday morning service all the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my mommy says it&#39;s a bitch to iron."


Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would
stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith,
you can&#39;t say you weren&#39;t warned."

01-02-2004, 06:28 PM
Car in Heaven

Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter
met them and said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because
you&#39;re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you
something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get.
You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big&#33;"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long
were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "Yeah, but that&#39;s not too good. Here&#39;s a Pinto to

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter
and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once,
but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."

Peter said, "I&#39;m pleased to hear that; here&#39;s your Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you&#39;re
going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn&#39;t even look at
another woman&#33; I treated my wife like a queen&#33;"

Peter said, "That&#39;s what I like to hear. Here&#39;s a Jaguar&#33;"

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the
Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk,
so they went to see what was the matter.

When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard&#33;"

01-03-2004, 07:42 PM
I want Natalie

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His
clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the
madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one
of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges
&#036;1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and
handed her ten &#036;100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon
the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that
no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no
discounts... it was still &#036;1,000. Again the old man took out the money,
the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end
of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my
services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man
replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister
who lives there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me &#036;3,000 to
give to you."

01-03-2004, 07:49 PM
The Good, Bad and Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can&#39;t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You&#39;re in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He&#39;s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son&#39;s finally maturing
Bad: He&#39;s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: You wife&#39;s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She&#39;s a lawyer

Good: The postman&#39;s early
Bad: He&#39;s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: You&#39;re daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You&#39;re son is dating someone new
Bad: It&#39;s another man
Ugly: He&#39;s you&#39;re best friend

Good: You&#39;re wife is pregnant.
Bad: It&#39;s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

01-04-2004, 07:50 PM
Doing the laundry&#33;

Boudreaux (Pronounced Boo-Dro) was floating down the bayou on
his pirogue (A cajun boat pronounced Pee-Ro) heading in to town,
when he happend to see Flo sitting on her porch with her legs
hiked up and spread wide open exposing her beautiful pussy.

Boudreaux hollered up to her and asked, "Ms. Flo, what&#39;s that
there you got between your legs?"

Flo answered, "Why Boudreaux, that there&#39;s my washin&#39; machine."

Boudreaux hollered back up and asked, "Well, can I come up there
and do me a load of laundry?"

Flo said, "Sure." So Boudreaux hopped out of his pirogue and
hurried up to the front porch and went to town on that wonderful
pussy of Flo&#39;s. When he had "washed his laundry," Boudreax got
back in his pirogue and headed in to town where he did some

On his way back home he passed by Flo&#39;s shanty and there she
was, sitting on her porch with her legs hiked up and her
beautiful pussy exposed for all to see.

He hollered up to her and said, "Ms. Flo, what&#39;s that there you
got between your legs?"

She hollered back and said, "Now Boudreaux, I done tol&#39; you
that&#39;s my washin&#39; machine."

Boudreaux hollered back up and said, "Ms. Flo, you mind if I
come up there and do me another load of laundry?"

Flo hollered back down and said, "Boudreax, if that load of
laundry you got to do is the same size as the one before, you
can just do it by hand&#33;"

01-04-2004, 07:54 PM
The Cat Clock

There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat
everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally
asks him, "What&#39;s with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to
tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is
pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend,
puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives the cat a
hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow,
very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell,
"What&#39;s with all the racket? It&#39;s one in the morning&#33;&#33;&#33;"

01-05-2004, 12:56 PM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we&#39;re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That&#39;s obscene&#33;" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a
moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your
problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to
pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my
house, and we&#39;ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My
parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest&#39;s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male
parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and
praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in
with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in
unison: "Hi, we&#39;re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, "Put the f***ing beads away, Francis, our prayers
have been answered&#33;"

01-05-2004, 01:12 PM
Bank President&#39;s Balls

An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan
Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told
the young man at the teller&#39;s window that she wished to deposit
the &#036;3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She
said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the
bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought
that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and
seeing bundles of &#036;1000 bills, which amounted to approximately
&#036;3,000,000, telephoned the bank president&#39;s secretary for an
appointment for the lady.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president&#39;s
office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked
to get to know people she did business with on a more personal
basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a
large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she
replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of
where this elderly lady could possibly have come into &#036;3 million.

"I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in
people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet
on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I&#39;ll bet
you 25,000 that by 10 o&#39;clock tomorrow morning your balls will
be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and
decided to take her up on the bet. He didn&#39;t know how he could
lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he
decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. &#036;25,000
was at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his
scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his
office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as
he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get
handed &#036;25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10 o&#39;clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With
her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other
man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her
lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much
money involved in her betting.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don&#39;t know how to
tell you this," he said, "but I&#39;m the same as I&#39;ve always been,
only &#036;25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants
so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady
peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel
them. "Well, okay," said the president, "&#036;25,000 is a lot of
money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he
noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the
wall. The president asked the old lady, "What&#39;s wrong with him?"
She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him &#036;100,000 that by
10am today I&#39;d have the Chase Manhattan Bank&#39;s president&#39;s balls
in my hand."

01-05-2004, 08:08 PM
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much time at the pub, so one night he took her along. “What’ll you have?” he asked. “Oh, I don’t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniels and threw his down in one gulp. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. “Yuck, that’s nasty poison&#33;” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff&#33;” “Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night&#33;”

01-06-2004, 02:03 AM
Good Jokes
That farm boy is the best

01-06-2004, 02:27 AM
i have a lot of bush jokes here... i dont know if they&#39;ve been said allready i haven&#39;t read all the jokes

the ones i read were funny as hell though :D

Bush Jokes Galore (http://www.spazola.com/board/viewtopic.php?t=42)

01-06-2004, 08:20 PM
Little Friend
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

Bartender says, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I&#39;ve got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some," the man retorted.

So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That&#39;s amazing&#33;" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That&#39;s amazing&#33;" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a moron&#33;"

01-06-2004, 08:23 PM
Bounce to His Booze
On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you&#39;re back again. How do you do it?"

"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It&#39;s lots of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite drunk out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, and jumps off, and Whoa&#33; Splat&#33;

The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you&#39;re real mean when you&#39;re drunk."

01-06-2004, 09:36 PM
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Western Wall and there he is&#33; She watches him pray about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview. "I&#39;m Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years."

"50 years&#33; That&#39;s amazing&#33; What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred to stop, and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"how do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"

"Like I&#39;m talking to a f**kin&#39; wall."

01-06-2004, 09:41 PM
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex.
But there had to be a way........ One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" hissed the blonde at the next workstation.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look&#33;" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head&#39;s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I&#39;m a light bulb," answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that&#39;s an order - and I don&#39;t want to see you back here for at least another two days&#33; You understand me?"

"Yes sir" the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The blonde was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you&#39;re going?" the boss asked.

"Home," she said lightly. "I can&#39;t work in the dark."

01-06-2004, 09:46 PM
Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I&#39;ve got a hot date for tonight, an&#39; I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a&#39; them thar rubbers gonna cost me?"
To which the pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is &#036;4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies: "TACKS&#33; Gawd a&#39;mighty, don&#39;t they stay on by themselves?&#33;"

01-07-2004, 09:44 PM
An Alabama preacher rose with an angry red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family. "
No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice shook as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

01-07-2004, 09:48 PM
An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I&#39;m turning eighty tomorrow. I&#39;ve hired a hooker for the night, and I&#39;d love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that&#39;ll get me up?"
The doctor smiled. "I don&#39;t normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."

Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How&#39;s it going?"

"Fabulous," the old man said. "I&#39;ve cum three times already."

"That&#39;s great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She&#39;s not here yet."

Autumn Fox
01-07-2004, 10:53 PM
Originally posted by baccy_man@7 January 2004 - 21:48
"Fabulous," the old man said. "I&#39;ve cum three times already."

"That&#39;s great," the doctor said. "the hooker must be astounded."

"Not exactly," the old man said. "She&#39;s not here yet."
:lol: :lol: :lol: Good one :lol: :lol: :lol:

01-08-2004, 05:15 PM
This blonde had a near death experience the other day. She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving. She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn&#39;t stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground. She started screaming, and was in great pain. Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.

01-08-2004, 05:21 PM
How do Chinese say, "69er?"

01-08-2004, 05:26 PM
Taking a phone call in her bedroom, a woman replies, "That&#39;s OK honey. No problem. I hope you have a good time. See you later". Then she puts down the receiver. "Who was that?", asks the man lying besides her in bed.
"My husband", she replies. "What did he want?"

"Nothing, he said he would be home late tonight. He&#39;s somewhere shooting pool with you and some other colleagues".

01-08-2004, 05:45 PM
There are three guys, an Italian, a Frenchman and a Texan. They are all discussing what they do to get their women hot.
The Italian says, "First I light a candle and drip hot liquid wax all over her body, then I follow with a tender nibbling at each spot of wax until they&#39;re all gone. Then she&#39;s hot&#33;"

When the Frenchman was queried he replies, "First I take a bouquet of roses and I pull all the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I go all over her blowing them off, one at a time. When I&#39;m through, she&#39;s really hot&#33;"

The previous two gents now ask the Texan what he did to get his woman hot. He replied, "Well I don&#39;t do anything that exotic&#33; What I do is, I pick her up and throw her on the bed, grab her by the ankles and f**k the sh*t out of her. When I&#39;m done, I wipe my member on her new curtains. Man, does she get hot&#33;"

01-08-2004, 06:30 PM
this is a bit funny


01-08-2004, 11:53 PM
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there&#39;s an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he&#39;ll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He&#39;s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I&#39;m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I&#39;m going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What&#39;s the shotgun for?" asks the concerned and confused homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the pit bull."

01-09-2004, 12:02 AM
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It&#39;s Michael O&#39;Grady&#39;s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That&#39;s nothing," says Sean, "here&#39;s one named Patrick O&#39;Tool. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here&#39;s a fella that got to be 145&#33;"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

Autumn Fox
01-09-2004, 12:05 AM
Originally posted by baccy_man@8 January 2004 - 17:21
How do Chinese say, "69er?"
lmao &#33;&#33;&#33;&#33; Great one baccy_man &#33;&#33;&#33; :lol: :lol:

01-09-2004, 07:53 PM
I was pulled over for drunk driving by a female police officer.
She said to me, &#39;Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you&#39;

So I said, &#39;Tits&#39;"

01-09-2004, 07:57 PM
A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don&#39;t know, I&#39;&#39;m only here to wash your face and hands.

" He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can&#39;&#39;t tell. I&#39;&#39;m only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong.

"Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them&#33;&#33;&#33;"

At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?"

01-09-2004, 08:15 PM
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection&#33;" said the defence attorney. "Irrelevant&#33;"

"Oh, that&#39;s okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don&#39;t mind answering the question."

"I object&#33;" the defence said again. "No, really," said the blonde. "I&#39;ll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defence to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don&#39;t know."

01-09-2004, 08:29 PM
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not very funny at all&#33;

2. Yelling at me for barking... I&#39;M A FRIGGIN&#39; DOG YOU IDIOT&#33;

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it&#33;

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you&#39;re not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog&#33; What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven&#39;t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you&#39;re just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

01-09-2004, 08:34 PM
A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags.
"Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband.

The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I&#39;ve been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get &#036;200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."

With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags, too.

"Where do you think you&#39;re going?" demanded the wife.

"I want to see how you can live on &#036;400 a year&#33;"

01-10-2004, 03:18 PM
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California...? Oregon...? Switzerland...? Here&#39;s the real version...
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up To a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer&#39;s daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow is traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer&#39;s wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without &#33; even saying good-bye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night.

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I&#39;m going to get you&#33; You had sex with my daughter&#33;"

The man looked back down from the mountainside cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


01-10-2004, 03:23 PM
There is a story about a popular young Baptist preacher, who on Sunday morning announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract, and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Brother William (Bubba) Scoles, who owns several car dealer- ships, stands up and announces, "If the preacher stays, I&#39;ll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children&#33;" The congregation amens, and applauds.

Brother Billy Bob Tindall, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the preacher stays, I&#39;ll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children&#33;&#33;" More amens and applause.

Sister Ella May Rouse, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the preacher stays, I&#39;ll give him sex&#33;"

There is a hush. The preacher, blushing, asks, "Sister Ella May, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sister Ella May answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, &#39;Screw the preacher.&#39;"

01-10-2004, 04:20 PM
John and Sam are two neighbors always in competition. One day John walks over to the fence of Sam&#39;s yard and sees Sam&#39;s wife watering the garden naked. The next day he tells Sam about this. So Sam wants revenge. That night he catches John&#39;s wife performing oral sex on John.
The next day Sam comes up to John and says, &#39;&#39;Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night.&#39;&#39;

&#39;&#39;Hah,&#39;&#39; John says, &#39;&#39;I wasn&#39;t home last night&#33;&#39;&#39;

01-10-2004, 04:24 PM
A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn&#39;t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car.
"235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde&#39;s friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blond&#39;s friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it&#33;"

01-12-2004, 04:42 PM
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"

"I don&#39;t know," responded the other. "I will ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss.

"Why are we digging in the hot sun and you&#39;re standing in the shade?"

"Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, &#39;intelligence&#39;?"

The boss said, "Well, I will show you. I will put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss&#39;s hand.

The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.

The boss said, "That is intelligence&#33;"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence."

"What is intelligence?" said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said,

Take your shovel and hit my hand."

01-12-2004, 04:45 PM
A crusty old paratrooper colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. One of them approached the colonel for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature&#33;"

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The colonel&#39;s short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and enjoy yourself."

The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don&#39;t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since 1955, isn&#39;t that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don&#39;t know... It&#39;s only 2130 now."

01-12-2004, 04:48 PM
Storming into his lawyer&#39;s office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.
"What&#39;s the problem?"

"I want to hit that adulterin&#39; bitch for breach of contract," snapped the oil man.

"I don&#39;t know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn&#39;t a piece of property, you don&#39;t own her&#33;"

"Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin&#39; rights&#33;"

01-12-2004, 04:52 PM
An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain&#39;t home, she&#39;s gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn&#39;t interested.

Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What&#39;s that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My God how&#39;d you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy he traded his wife&#39;s best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk.

He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "So this is the hussy he&#39;s been foolin&#39; around with&#33;"

01-12-2004, 05:43 PM
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn&#39;t know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

01-12-2004, 05:47 PM
A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we&#39;re just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o&#39;clock."
He said, "Great&#33; I&#39;ll be here at 8 o&#39;clock, maybe 8:05..."

So next day he shows up at 8 o&#39;clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great&#33; I&#39;ll be here at 8 o&#39;clock, maybe 8:05..."

So the next day he shows up at 8 o&#39;clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par&#33; I&#39;m a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You&#39;re a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."

So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"

"That&#39;s when I get here at 8:05."

01-12-2004, 05:56 PM
An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of her problem.

However, I can&#39;t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I&#39;ll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a &#036;1,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a &#036;2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and &#036;1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girl&#39;s father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man&#39;s shoulder and tells him, "You&#39;ll have to screw her again&#33;"

01-12-2004, 06:00 PM
Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What&#39;s on the TV?"

I said, "Dust&#33;"

vivitron 15
01-12-2004, 08:56 PM
:lol: :lol: dude, thats the longest thread ive ever read each post in....keep em coming :lol: :lol:

01-13-2004, 04:38 PM
A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.” “Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a &#036;20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.” So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks. The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

01-13-2004, 05:49 PM
An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy, asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "my penis died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I&#39;m so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences. The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "you shouldn&#39;t be walking down the hall like this Please put your penis back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my penis died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas ?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today&#39;s the viewing."

01-13-2004, 07:03 PM
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world&#39;s best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I&#39;d like the best beer in the world, give me &#39;The King Of Beers&#39;, a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I&#39;d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren&#39;t you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren&#39;t drinking beer, neither will I."

01-13-2004, 08:37 PM
There was a father and his young son who lived in a secluded village somewhere in central Australia. The boy&#39;s mother had left the father under difficult circumstances, and he had had bad experiences with women ever since. So he took his boy aside one day and told him, "Listen son, don&#39;t go messing around with women, because, you know, down there, they&#39;ve got teeth down there."
The boy listened intently to his father&#39;s advice. Years passed, the boy has grown up and his father has died, leaving him alone. So, one day, the boy ventures to the closest large town, where he goes to a club in search of companionship. He strikes up a conversation with a beautiful young girl. Things are going well, and they end up back at her place. They are about to get into bed when the boy remembers his father&#39;s advice and shys away.

"What&#39;s wrong?" she asks. "Well, my father told me that women have teeth down there" replied the young man. "Of course we haven&#39;t got teeth down there&#33;&#33; Have a look if you like." So he takes her up on the offer. He takes off her panties, and he&#39;s poking around, examining the lady&#39;s most private parts. "Hmmmm. I don&#39;t see any teeth down here, but you should see the state of your gums."

01-13-2004, 08:49 PM
Lil&#39; Johnny on Politics

Lil&#39; Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I&#39;m the
breadwinner of the family, so let&#39;s call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we&#39;ll call her the
Government. We&#39;re here to take care of your needs, so we&#39;ll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we&#39;ll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents&#39; room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny&#39;s room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

01-13-2004, 08:58 PM
Which Hole

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in
the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men
found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don&#39;t know
or cannot answer, then you&#39;re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then
you&#39;ll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates&#39; teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of
paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it
was correct. "Then, go to Hell&#33;" With another snap of his finger, the
philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you
can ever think of&#33;" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly
agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell&#33;" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair&#33;" The Devil
brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just
that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it&#39;s from my asshole." And the idiot went to

Autumn Fox
01-14-2004, 12:13 AM
Originally posted by baccy_man@13 January 2004 - 20:49
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
:blink: :lol: :lol: :lol:

01-14-2004, 03:55 PM
Dr. Seuss&#39; lost tongue twister

Dr. Seuss&#39; lost tongue twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha you can&#39;t resist passing it on.

01-14-2004, 04:27 PM
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "A goal. I&#39;m ahead one-nil."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal&#33; One all." The old boy farts again. "Goal&#33; I&#39;m ahead 2-1."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Goal&#33; 2 all."

The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not be out done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart. He strains a little too hard and shits in the bed. The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides&#33;"

01-14-2004, 04:38 PM
Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.

"What&#39;s that, Mummy?" asks the child.

"It&#39;s Nothing, Johnny, NOTHING." says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later Johnny&#39;s dad takes him and the same happens.

"What&#39;s that, Daddy?"

"That, son, is a 24 inch penis."

"But Mummy said that&#39;s Nothing."

"Your mother&#39;s spoilt, Son."

01-14-2004, 04:51 PM
A man comes home from a hard days work to find some weight lifting equipment on the stairs, he asks his wife what the hell she is doing wasting money on the gear, and she says that they will help her increase her breast size.

he says "All you need is some toilet paper&#33;".

She seems puzzled, "Yeah all you need to do is rub the toilet paper between your bust, and it makes them bigger".

"How do you know?" she asked

"Well look what its done to your bum&#33;"

01-14-2004, 05:43 PM
Two men were talking.
"So, how&#39;s your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I&#39;m having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on&#33;"

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I&#39;ve got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we&#39;re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that&#39;s completely natural. I don&#39;t see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up&#33;"

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You&#39;re never home&#33;"

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn&#39;t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be &#036;3,500 for "small, &#036;6,500 for "medium, &#036;14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She&#39;d rather remodel the kitchen".

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I&#39;m getting you a headstone that reads:
&#39;Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever&#39;."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I&#39;m getting you a headstone reads:
&#39;Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.&#39;"

01-16-2004, 12:02 AM
Funny ways to mess people around by using their computers, you should preferably wait until the person is out of the room:

1.Take a screenshot of their desktop, save it and then set it to the background. Then right click on an empty space on the desktop and goto Arrange By > Show Desktop Icons. This should be ticked, by clicking on it, this will hide all the icons but it still looks like the icons are there because of the back drop, its great fun watching them trying to double click something.

2. Move the taskbar to the top or sides of the screen, then shrink it down to its smallest possible size. make sure to then lock the taskbar.

3. Ping off the keys from the keyboard with a pen or a knife or something slim, them rearrange them in a random manner.

4. Put some kind of powder (talcom, baby powder, chalk. whatever) onto the processor and/or the power supply fan. when they start up their computer clouds of smoke will start to rise

5.Put some tape over the floppy drive button, only works for those real simple people though.

6. Replace their Windows start-up sound with a recording that plays 15 minutes of silence, then plays very quiet random sounds every few minutes after that. It will drive them crazy working out where/why the sounds are coming from.

01-16-2004, 12:37 AM
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there&#39;s a better one. At MacDougal&#39;s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink&#33;"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that&#39;s a nice bar, but where I come from, there&#39;s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there&#39;s this place, Vinny&#39;s. At Vinny&#39;s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that&#39;s great? Where I come from in Dublin, there&#39;s this place called Murphy&#39;s. At Murphy&#39;s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid&#33;"

"Wow&#33;" say the other two. "That&#39;s fantastic&#33; Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister&#33;"

01-17-2004, 05:57 PM
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right.

When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.

He couldn&#39;t get back in.

01-17-2004, 06:09 PM
The aged patient doddered into the doctor&#39;s office with a serious complaint.
"Doc, you&#39;ve got to do something to lower my sex drive."

"Come on now, Mr. Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drive&#39;s all in your head."

"That&#39;s what I mean, you&#39;ve got to lower it a little."

01-17-2004, 07:37 PM
Lorne was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?"
Old Lorne had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Lorne had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So.....you know where the juice went.

Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....."

At this, Old Lorne snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I&#39;ll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted..... Old Lorne just smiled......

01-17-2004, 07:40 PM
At the prestigious estate auction, bidding was intense and cutthroat. The room was filled with scowling men and women, each determined to exploit any advantage at the expense of another.
Without warning the auctioneer paused the sale and announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing &#036;10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of &#036;3,000."

There was a moment&#39;s silence, and then from the crowd came the cry,

"Three thousand five hundred&#33;"

01-17-2004, 07:46 PM
What gender is it? If you&#39;re like most people, common everyday items look inert to you. But what you may not know is that many of them have a gender. For example. . .
Ziploc Bags -- Male, because they hold everything in but you can see right through them.

Copier -- Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It&#39;s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and often it&#39;s over inflated.

Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it . .. . and, of course, there&#39;s the hot air part.

Sponges -- Female, because they&#39;re soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web Page -- Female, because it&#39;s always getting hit on.

Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer -- Male, because it hasn&#39;t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it&#39;s handy to have around.

Remote Control -- Female . . . Ha&#33; You thought it&#39;d be male. But consider that it gives a man pleasure, he&#39;d be lost without it, and while he doesn&#39;t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

01-17-2004, 07:49 PM
An old lady comes into a police station, goes up to the desk officer and says, "I have been graped."
The sergant looks up and asks, "Don&#39;t you meen raped?"

"No," the old lay replies. "there was a whole bunch of them."

01-19-2004, 11:07 AM
Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife lying in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and big red bruises and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been ravaged in sexual passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the nightstand next to the bed. He screamed at his wife, "What is going on here? Who did this to you?
His wife calmly and innocently said, "No one, Doug. Whenever I try to smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash&#33;"

01-19-2004, 11:10 AM
Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I&#39;ve never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I&#39;ve never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you&#39;re satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed... I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

01-19-2004, 09:56 PM
A Case For The FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I&#39;m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood." "This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom&#39;s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom&#39;s house. "Hey, Tom&#33; Did the FBI come?" "Yeah&#33;" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it&#39;s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

Autumn Fox
01-20-2004, 12:22 AM
Originally posted by baccy_man@19 January 2004 - 21:56
(...)I need my garden plowed."
:lol: Nice :lol:

01-20-2004, 03:24 PM
A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he&#39;s a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheel. She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he&#39;s up to 80 mph. She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?” The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“ She asks, “What’s that?” The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.”

01-20-2004, 03:30 PM
A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry.

The youngest daughter replies, "I would like to marry a man with one draggin&#39; on the ground."

01-20-2004, 03:39 PM
A lion was getting rather old and slow and having difficulty catching its prey. It decided it needed a disguise so that other animals did not know it was a lion and would not run away. So it goes into a fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla suit. It then heads for a watering hole to see if it can catch something with its new disguise. On the way it comes across two eagles sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it "Hi Mr. Lion&#33;" The other said, "Where did you get the gorilla suit?" The lion, rather frustrated, asks, "How did you know I was a lion?" The eagles then started to sing, "You can&#39;t hide your lion eyes".

01-21-2004, 02:52 PM
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries...... but, now we know.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you&#39;re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ...you&#39;re a pansy.

If you work too hard...there&#39;s never any time for her. If you don&#39;t work enough...you&#39;re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you......it&#39;s affirmative action.

If you mention how nice she looks......it&#39;s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet..........it&#39;s male indifference.

If you cry............you&#39;re a wimp. If you don&#39;t........you&#39;re an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her.........you&#39;re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you......she&#39;s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn&#39;t enjoy....... that&#39;s domination. If she asks you.........it&#39;s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form .....you&#39;re a pervert. If you don&#39;t ....you&#39;re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs, wear sexy lingerie and keep in shape .............you&#39;re sexist. If you don&#39;t.................you&#39;re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape......you&#39;re vain. If you don&#39;t ........you&#39;re a slob.

If you buy her flowers.............you&#39;re after something. If you don&#39;t ........you&#39;re not thoughtful.

If you&#39;re proud of your achievements........you&#39;re full of yourself.
If you aren&#39;t....... you&#39;re not ambitious.

If she has a headache............she&#39;s tired. If you have a headache.............you don&#39;t love her anymore.

If you want it too often.........you&#39;re over sexed. If you don&#39;t................there must be someone else.

So why do men die first?

Because they want to.

01-21-2004, 02:56 PM
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth&#33;

01-21-2004, 10:23 PM
Subject: drunken intuition

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a pint of milk, a carton of eggs, a small carton of orange juice, a Pot noodle, a 50g Jar of coffee, a 1/2 lb,of bacon and a microwave meal

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict&#39;s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you&#39;re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, “Cause you&#39;re ugly”.

01-22-2004, 05:38 PM
Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical. A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

01-22-2004, 05:44 PM
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late &#39;70 or early &#39;80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

01-23-2004, 10:35 AM
Aussie Humour &#33;&#33;
>A bloke&#39;s wife goes missing while holidaying on the coast.
>He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
>Next morning there&#39;s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
>couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
>The Sarge says, "Mate we have some news for you, unfortunately some
>really bad news, but, some good news and some really good news".
>"Well?" says the bloke, "You&#39;d better let me have it both barrels,
>what&#39;s the bad news?"
>The Sarge says, "I&#39;m really sorry pal but your wife is dead. Young Bill
>here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
>reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but
>she was dead."
>The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this and
>has a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and
>asks what the good news is.
>The sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
>really good sized crays and a swag of legal blue swimmers in and around
>her wetsuit, so we&#39;ve brought you your share."
>And he hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice
>crays and four or five crabs in it. "Geez thanks. They&#39;re bloody beaut;
>I guess it&#39;s an ill wind and all that. Now what&#39;s the really good
>"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here go off duty
>at around 11 o&#39;clock and we&#39;re gonna shoot over there and pull her up
>again&#33;..... do you fancy comin&#39; with us mate?"

01-23-2004, 03:23 PM
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held as archives in a locked vault that hasn&#39;t been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing "We forgot the "R", We forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What&#39;s wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate." "The word is celebRate."