a bit of a laugh pt 2

[baccyman]

A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition.
"Prostrate trouble," said the first doctor.

"Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said the other.

They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man.

"Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?"

"Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas."



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Being from the North and now living in the south I had a great adjustment to make/ believe me I'm still adjusting..........


In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list should be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State. i.e. Texas, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, Arkansas, Missouri, etc.

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle . We have a name for those little 13-inch Trout you fish for: BAIT !

6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet. You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into our house! It better be brown, bubbly, and served over ice!

11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million-dollar Combine that we only use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. We eat supper (dinner? we ate at noon) together with our families. We pray before we eat--yeah, even breakfast. We go to church on Sundays, and we go to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don't do "hurry up" real well.

15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with fatback or bacon and sometimes eat them with a smoked hog jowl.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 95 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of Wheat -- go to Kansas . That would be I-70 West.

19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. You understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -- and, if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -His name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your darn Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.

24. You burn an American Flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.

[baccyman]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens
to be her husband's best friend. They make love
for hours, and afterwards, while they're just
laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the
woman's house, she picks up the receiver.

Her lover looks over at her and listens, only
hearing her side of the conversation...(She is
speaking in a cheery voice)

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called.
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you.
That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks,
"Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me
all about the wonderful time he's having on his
fishing trip with you."

___________________________________________

Three bulls are all living on a farm very
happily. One day the farmer came home and stated
that he had just bought a new bull at the auction
and that he would be arriving soon. Well this
would disrupt the society that the bulls had
established amongst themselves, so they decided
to have a meeting.

The first bull says, "I have been here 5 years
and we have established a nice community of
cattle. We have divided the 100 cows between us
so that each of us are happy. I am not going to
give this new guy any of my cows."

The second bull says, "I have been here 3 years
and I have me 50 cows. I feel that I can take
care of these cows just fine. I am not giving
this new guy any of my cows. He is going to have
to get his own."

The third bull says, "I have only been here a
year, but you guys have treated me really well.
You were nice enough to give me 10 of your cows
and for that I am really thankful to you guys.
Since I only have 10 cows I am not going to give
this new guy any of my cows. He is on his own."

With it decided that no cows were going to be
given to the new bull, the meeting was adjourned
just as a tractor-trailer pulled onto the farm.
The driver dropped the ramp of the trailer to let
this new bull out. Off the truck came the biggest
bull anyone had ever seen. The ramp bent
underneath the massive weight of this bull. He
weighed in at 4700 pounds. The ground shook with
every step he took.

The first bull looked at the other two and said,
"Well on second thought, we might as well be
neighborly to this new guy. He looks like he is
pretty cool. I think I will let him have a some
of my cows."

The second bull says, "You know, on second
thought I really don't think I can take care of
all 50 of my cows. I think I will let this new
guy have some. He looks nice enough."

The first and the second bull look at the third
bull. The third bull has his head down and he is
scraping the ground fixing to charge the new
bull.

The first bull says, "Now son, I know you are
still young and you want to protect your cows,
but are you sure your 10 cows are worth you
losing your life?"

The third bull says, "Oh no, he can have ALL my
cows. I am just making sure he knows I am a
bull!"

[baccyman]

A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?"

Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[baccyman]

"Ah, yes, divorce...,
From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man and woman come to a doctor's office and say, "Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?"
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the young man gets on top of his girlfriend, and they have sex.

After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars."

They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.

On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly."

The young man explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Blue Cross/Blue Shield."



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Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing...
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

[baccyman]

The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!"
The man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.

"Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"

"I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *Give* you anything."



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A man suspects his wife is having an affair, so he goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. Not having much money he chooses a male parrot with one leg.
He takes the bird home and ties its penis to the perch in the bird cage to allow it to stand.

"When I go to work you keep an eye on my wife and tell me what happens" the man told his parrot.

When the man returns from work later that day, he asks the parrot if anything happened when he was out.

"Well" said the parrot, "the milkman came to the door".

"Then?" demanded the man.

"Your wife went to the door."

"Then??"

"She let him in."

"Then what?"

"They started making out in the living room."

"Then what?" cried the exasperated man.

"Then I got a hard-on and fell off the perch!"

[baccyman]

This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

"I lusted," the fellow replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

"A reward, Father? What do you think my reward might be?"

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

[baccyman]

When the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the 'message' never sank in. Finally, I thought of a clever way to make my point.
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the drive-way." (The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite a while before all the casts come off.)



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stanley comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put her place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk. Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform.
So he tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd Street in New York, dated January 17th, 1942.

He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket from 55 years ago. Weeks later, Stanley happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck; the shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man.

The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop. Stanley is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence!

Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"

[baccyman]

John Presscot and David Blunkett are out on the piss one night, anyway they get to the bar, order 2 pints of bitter and start chatting away about the economy. This bloke enters the pub and orders a pint and then lifts up Blunketts dog's tail has a look and buggers off.

John goes to David and says

"What was all that about"

David replies

"Leave it will you John i want a quiet night out".

10 minutes later another bloke comes into the bar, orders a pint, lifts the dog's tail, has a look and then he clears off.

John goes to David

" David thats twice now whats going on"

David says back in turn

"John i wanted a quiet night out, a couple of pints, a curry then back home. Will you just leave it out"

15 minutes pass by then another guy comes into the bar, orders a pint and lifts the dog's tail but before he has a look Presscot lands a right hook, lays him out, picks him up and screams

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

and the guy says

" A kid outside said there's a dog in here with 2 arseholes"

[baccyman]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too."

[baccyman]

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.
One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"



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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

[tesco]

(...) He had been counting the years off on his calendar (...)
He couldn't count his own age in his head. :frusty:

:lol:

[baccyman]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on 'Science & Nature.' Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge. He instructed her to get undressed and lie down on the examining table. She did so. The doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her privates.
After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."

[baccyman]

Redneck Sexual IQ Test
A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False

Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False

A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False

Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False

Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False

Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False

Fetus is a character on Gun smoke. True or False

An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False

A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False

A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False

An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

Pornography is the business of making records. True or False

Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False

[baccyman]

Mattel recently announced the release of 11 limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Greater Memphis market:

Germantown Barbie

This princess Barbie is sold only at Wolfchase Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with an augmented version.

Bartlett Barbie

The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

Orange Mound Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.

Houston Levee Barbie

This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.

Horn Lake Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

River Bluff Barbie

This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available.

Frayser Barbie

This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Raleigh Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.

Midtown Barbie

This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Overton Square Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

Whitehaven Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

Southaven Barbie

She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always hunting.

Overton Park Barbie/Ken

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

[cpt_azad]

Whitehaven Barbie

This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.


:lol:

[ziggyjuarez]

Mrs. Jones went to see her doctor...
"Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear."
I think this is possable in real life :lol:

[ziggyjuarez]

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive...
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
sounds like someone i know would do :lol:

[baccyman]

A man went to visit his friend and sees a strange
machine in the middle of his living room. He
asks, "What is that?" His friend replies, "It is
a sex machine." " Oh, how does it work?" " Just
stick your dick in, insert a quarter, and it will
jerk you off!" So the guy immediately wants to
try it. The friend says ok and tells him he is
going to get a drink of water from the kitchen
while he does his thing.

Suddenly the friend hears a loud shriek. He runs
back and asks, "What's the matter? Did you insert
a quarter?" The guy says, "I didn’t have a
quarter so I inserted a dime!"

"But for a dime, it only sharpens pencils!"
replies the friend.
___________________________________________________

A small white guy went into an elevator, when he
got in he noticed a huge black guy standing next
to him. The big black guy looked down upon the
small white guy and said, "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy fainted!

The huge black dude picked up the little white
guy and brought him to, slapping his face and
shaking him. He asked the small white guy,
"What's wrong?" Our petite friend said, "Excuse
me, but what did you say?" The black giant
looked down and repeated, "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, my name is Turner Brown" The white
guy sighed, "Oh, thank God! I thought you said
'Turn around!!'"

____________________________________________________

A South African, an Aussie & a Londoner were
sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer, downs it,
tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and
shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the
other two, puts the gun on the bar and says "In
Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we nefer drink
out of the same glass twice."

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass
into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots
the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and
proclaims, "Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand
which makes glass really cheap so we too never
drink out of the same glass twice."

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes
his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up
the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South
African and says "In London we have so many South
Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink
with the same ones twice"

[baccyman]

Why is it difficult to find men who are
sensitive, caring and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

_______________________________________

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex
aids shop and asked in a quavering voice,
"Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes
h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little
old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh,
yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands
about 10 inches apart asked "D-do y-you ha-ave
an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that
size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then
asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is
b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about
that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes ma'am, one of them does."

"Well th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

____________________________________________________

One day Peggy Sue was in bed with her lover when
her husband came home unexpectedly. She told her
lover to get in the corner and she quickly
proceeded to rub baby oil all over him and then
sprinkle talcum powder on him. "Stay right here
and don't move a muscle until I tell you it's
ok," she told him.

A few minutes later her husband came walking into
the room. "What the heck is this in the corner?"
he asks her.

"Oh that's a new statue I just bought," she
replied. "The Smith's have one just like it in
their bedroom and I liked it so much I went out
and bought one for myself."

Nothing more was said about the statue, not even
when they finally got ready and went to bed.

About 2:00 in the morning, the husband got up and
went downstairs and got himself a sandwich and a
glass of milk. When he got back up to the
bedroom, he handed the sandwich & milk to the
statue and said "Here, you might as well have
this. I spent 3 days at the Smith's house and
nobody so much as offered me a glass of water."

[ziggyjuarez]

One day Peggy Sue was in bed with her lover ...
nobody so much as offered me a glass of water."
This makes no sence.I would have said "This is a shitty statue and threw it out the fucking window :lol:

[baccyman]

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a little boy walking up with something under his arm. "What you got there?" the old man asks. "Chicken wire," says the little boy. "What you doing with that?" "Catching chickens." "You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire," replies the old man. Later that day the little boy walks by with a long strand of chicken wire full of chickens. The next day the old man is sitting on his porch as the same little boy approaches with something in his hand. "What you got there?" he asks. "Duct tape." "Let me guess, you off to catch some ducks? Well, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape." Later that afternoon, the little boy walks by the porch with a long strand of duct tape full of ducks. The next morning the old man watches as the little boy approaches with a fishing rod with something dangling on the end. "What you got on the end of that line boy?" asks the old man. "Pussywillow." The old man jumps up and yells, "Hold on, I’ll get my hat."

[cpt_azad]

:lol:

[baccyman]

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels (front rolls) on your way to the altar.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated."
"What?" said the doctor, "Surely you don't want that."

"Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist."

So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came.

The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be sociable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.

"Oh, I was circumcised," the man said.

"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"

[ziggyjuarez]

"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"
lol

[baccyman]

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "what makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[baccyman]

A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the Chinese rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the rabbi said, "You Jew?"

"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.

"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

[baccyman]

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready. The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!" With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to the doctor to hopefully find out why he couldn't sleep at night. He was so tired from so many nights without getting in a single wink.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[baccyman]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody any time, any where, any place, it doesn't matter to me."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding? What law firm do you work for?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Has your girlfriend/wife put on a little weight over the Easter period? If so, encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles again in the evening.
By the end of the week the cow will be 42 miles away.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in a department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said, "And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside."

[baccyman]

A merchant sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.
The distributor, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the collections manager to check it. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

[baccyman]

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two shoe salespeople were sent to Africa to open up new markets. Three days after arriving, one salesperson called the office and said, "I'm returning on the next flight. Can't sell shoes here. Everybody goes barefoot."
At the same time the other salesperson sent an email to the factory, telling, "The prospects are unlimited. Nobody wears shoes here!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, "Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class, remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

The entire class says, "Hello Mrs. Prussy."

The next day the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks him what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard, and then says to the teacher, "I remember it has an "r" after the first letter."

"That's right," she coaxed.

Then, after a few seconds Johnny eyes light up and he says, "Is it Mrs. Crunt?"

[baccyman]

Question:
What do an anniversary, a clitoris, and a toilet all have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer:
Men miss them all!

[baccyman]

How do blonde's brain cells die?






Alone.
______________________________________________

Why don't blondes talk when having sex?



Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers.

___________________________________________________

A young fellow and his girl are parked in a
lover's lane that runs along a river. The guy
wants to make love, but the girl is afraid
somebody will come along and see them.

They decide to do it under his Dodge 4 X 4 pickup
with oversized tires and lots of room under.

A few minutes later, a county deputy pulls up and
says, "Hey, what the devil you all doing down
there?"

The young fellow being in a full "rut" doesn't
even look up, but manages to say, "I'm fixing my
muffler."

The deputy says, "Well, son, you shoulda been
fixin' your parking brake, 'cause your truck
just rolled into the river."
____________________________________________________

There was an elderly gentleman who was
suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife
of 40 years loved him very much, but she
couldn't handle him any longer. He
would wander about never knowing where he
was or sometimes even who he was.
Finally she decided that she would have
to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was
filling out paperwork, a nurse had
the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly
the man starting slowly leaning to
his left. The nurse ran over and put a
pillow on his left side to prop him
up. A few minutes later, he started
leaning to his right. Again, the nurse
ran over and put a pillow on his right
side. Then he starting leaning forward.
This time, the nurse strapped him into
the chair.

About this time, his wife, having
completed the paperwork, walked up to him
and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't
let me fart."

[baccyman]

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.
They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously.

Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ... then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined... "

"What's this mean!?" his wife asked quizzically.

"I'm afraid our son's going to be a politician!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold", the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to b e one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

[baccyman]

Viagra Wife Diary
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...

Day 1

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the [#@!$].

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16

The [#@!$] has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

[TheDave]

lol

[baccyman]

Joe was in the corner bar having a few when his friend Phil dropped in and joined him. It didn't take long for Phil to notice a string hanging out of the back of Joe's shirt collar that his friend kept tugging on.
Finally Phil couldn't contain his curiousity, and asked, "What the hell's that string for?"

"Two weeks ago I had a date with that dish, Linda," Joe explained, "and when I got her into the sack, would you believe I couldn't get it up? Made me so mad that I tied this string to my unit, and every time I think of how it let me down, I pull the string and make it kiss my ass."

[baccyman]

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

[cpt_azad]

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

LMFAO

[baccyman]

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."
The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

[baccyman]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.

"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."

"Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

[baccyman]

A man came home from watching a rugby match between Ireland and France.
His young son welcomed him home saying, "How was it, Dad?"

"It was terribly violent, son. In the break, the Irish skipper came off the field with a bruised testicle!"

"Oh, he must have been in such pain!"

"No, no, laddie. It belonged to one of the Frenchmen."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a $10 bill dropped out. She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her home folks, but as she read the letter her attention was distracted by the actions of a shabbily dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.
She couldn't get him off her mind and thinking that he might be in financial difficulties. She took the $10 bill and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Don't despair, Sister Eulalia." She threw it out of the window to him.

He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.

The next day she was in her room saying her prayers when she was told that a man was at her door who insisted on seeing her. She went down and found the shabbily dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a roll of bills.

When she asked what the bills were for he replied, "That's the sixty bucks you have coming. Don't Despair paid 5-1."

[baccyman]

The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up.
The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law."

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For six years, the young attorney had worked incredibly long hours in his quest to make partner, and had taken only brief respites at a nearby country inn.
During his last, brief visit, he had a moment of passion with the innkeeper's daughter.

Having done little but stare at the walls of his office since then, he looked forward to his next trip to the inn, in the hope that they could pick up where they left off.

Finally, he had another chance to take a couple of days off.

Excited, he hauled his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Why didn't you call me when you learned you were pregnant?" he asked.

"You know I would have done the right thing, we could have been married. I would be a good provider."

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[baccyman]

A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her
car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along
on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station.
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that
would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off
with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.

"My god!" says the gas station guy, "What the
hell were you doing to that Injun to make him
holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat
behind him with my arms around him, holding
onto his saddle horn."

"Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use
saddles."

________________________________________________

A young man went to a house to pick up his blind
date. The girl wasn't quite ready, so her father
invited the lad to sit on the couch and wait. Dad
sat in his easy chair and proceeded to read his
newspaper, while the family dog, Rover, jumped
onto the couch and sniffed out the stranger.

Suddenly, the young man felt the urge to fart
and didn't know what to do, however, since the
dog was nearby, he decided to squeak it out and
feign innocence.

"Brrroough," went the fart! Dad peered over his
newspaper and said, "Rover! Get off that couch!"

The young man was relieved. Obviously, Dad
thought Rover had done the deed. Soon, another
fart rumbled in the young man's guts, and he let
it rip, assured that Rover would once again be
blamed.

Sure enough, Dad peered over his newspaper and
said more sharply, "Rover! I said get off the
couch!"

Happily, the young man decided that he could fart
whenever the urge arose and he let yet another
one fly.

Finally, Dad threw down his newspaper in disgust
and bellowed, "Rover! FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET OFF
THAT COUCH BEFORE HE SHITS ON YOU!!!"

[baccyman]

A woman calls her lawyer and asks...
"With all the lawsuits going on, I want to get in on some of that action. I hear people are suing cigarette companies because they got cancer and others are suing McDonalds because they either burn themselves or got fat."

Lawyer: "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"

Woman: "Neither. I just want to know if I can sue Smirnoff Ice for all the ugly men I've slept with?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

*The stamp was in perfect order.
*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
*People were spitting on the wrong side.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes, Ma'am," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1964."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

[baccyman]

Computer-illiterate husband

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose
and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: - Password Not "Long Enough"

[baccyman]

An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life:
"When it all boils done to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one must live by a dog's rule of life":

"If you can't eat it or screw it...PISS ON IT!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tongue chow: Chinese words for pussy
Tongue chow yuck: Chinese words for bad pussy

[baccyman]

We were having Sunday dinner at Grandmother's house.Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When our son received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Son, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied spryly.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," The youngster explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Sally went straight round to visit her Grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Sally suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no," her grandma replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells -- in with the dings and out with the dongs."

She paused, and wiped away a tear.

"If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive."

[cpt_azad]

Computer-illiterate husband

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose
and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: - Password Not "Long Enough"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"
__________________________________________________________________

A really drunk guy at a party walks up to the host and asks, “Do you have some green toilet paper that says, ‘f**k you’?” The host, stunned, answers, “Of course I don’t have any green toilet paper that says, ‘f**k you.’” “Oh, no!” the drunk cries. “I’m really sorry…I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot.”

[baccyman]

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, "Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?"
"I'll tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice....unless you're tired." she responded.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things a True Southerner Knows:
The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar.

When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.

How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

Knows what, "Well I Suwannee !!" means.

Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits !!

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

Real gravy don't come from the store.

When "by and by" is.

How to handle their "pot likker".

The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece".

The differences between a redneck and a good ol' boy.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.

Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.

[baccyman]

I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.

Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:

"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly... "You see, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

[baccyman]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic. "Try doing it with the engine running."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A beautiful actress’ long-time agent discovered one day that she’d been selling her body for a thousand dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client, hadn’t dreamed that she had been so readily available. He approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date. She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars, just like the rest of her clients.
Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don’t I even get my agent’s ten percent as a discount?"

"No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it."

Her agent wasn’t all that happy with her attitude, but lust won out and he agreed.

When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep.

Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they engaged in another steamy bout of sex. Towards one a.m. she was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and, by now highly impressed at her partner’s virility, she whispered in the darkness, "My God, you’re a stud! I had no idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent."

"I’m not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "He’s at the door selling tickets."

[baccyman]

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”
“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travellers assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[baccyman]

Women's Advice to Men

The reason why our bras don't always match our
underwear is because WE actually change our
underwear.

The next time you and your buddies joke about
armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of
you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive
questions on your payday.

Don't fret if you find out that the milkman
delivers more than once a day.

Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional
to the number of baths you take.

The next time you joke about female drivers,
research the number of accidents caused by
rubber-necking mini-skirts.

If only women gossip, how do you and your friends
keep track of "who's easy"?

Stop telling us most male strippers are gay:
we don't care.

Start parting and combing your hair to one side
early in life - you'll never see the 'island'
coming.

Your contributions to your child should go above
and beyond that Y chromosome you unselfishly
sacrificed.

Eye contact is best established above our
shoulder-level.

Your balding is a good thing - it subsidizes our
hair care expenses.
_____________________________________________________

The difference between men and women in one
paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep narrow mountain
road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out
the window and yells, "Pig!"

The man immediately leans out the window and
replies, "Bitch!"

They each continue on their way, and as the
man rounds the next corner, he crashes into
a pig in the middle of the road.
___________________________________________________

Three men were fishing in a boat, all of a sudden,
one of the guys thought he got a bite and realed
in a Genie's Lamp. He rubbed off the seaweed and
a Genie popped out. "Since there are 3 of you, I
will give you each one wish!" said the Genie. The
1st guy says "I want to be 100 times smarter than
I am right now" Poof! and he started rattling off
all these math problems that he never knew before.
The 2nd guy says, "Well, I want to be 100 times
smarter than him (#1)" Poof! he starts rattling
off all these Calculas problems that the other
guy didn't know. The 3rd guy says "Well, I wanna
be 1000 times smarter than both of them put
togather!" Poof! and the Genie turned him into a
Woman!!!!!!

[baccyman]

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

[baccyman]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards him. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, " business... I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,"What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she replied "I'm the lead lecturer and I use information I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

She explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most apt to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that

Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I've also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am so sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

[baccyman]

Big cats can be dangerous,
but a little pussy never hurt anybody.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[baccyman]

In 1850 California became a state. Back then, the state had no electricity, no money, there were gun fights in the middle of the streets, and almost everyone spoke Spanish. So it was just like California today. Only back then the women had real tits.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to his bank manager and says "I'd like to start a small business how do I go about it?" The bank manager leans back and clasps his hands together on his gut and replies "Buy a big one and wait"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[baccyman]

''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.
"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well," she replies, "my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving in a red Ferrari. "Where did you get that car?" her husband asks.

Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings.

That night, his wife asks him to draw her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

[ziggyjuarez]

''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''



---------------------------------------------------------------------------
:D

[baccyman]

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"

Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. Its past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .

"SH*T... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

[baccyman]

This is how lotteries really work:
A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What ya gonna do with em."

"I'm gonna raffle him off." "Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't no one complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."

[baccyman]

The French Tennis Open for this year has been canceled due to a national crisis.
They have plenty of rackets...but no balls!!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is out with his buddies-has a few drinks-is feeling a little frisky but, true to his wife, goes home. He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
She starts to choke, but recovers and asks-"What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!" He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

[baccyman]

Almost 150 yrs. ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs? ‘FATASS’.

[ziggyjuarez]

;) ha

[baccyman]

Here are a few answers to commonly asked pregnancy questions by both men and women. First, the questions from women:
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

And, from men:

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Only if the words "alimony" and "child support" scare you.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.
So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."

[baccyman]

The pope was on a trip to California. He got a
very sporty pope-mobile for this trip. He begged
the chauffer to let him drive. Finnally the
chauffer gave in and let the pope drive. Of
course, the pope went crazy and was going too
fast. Finally he ran a stop light and was pulled
over by a policeman. The cop called his station
to ask them what to do because he just pulled
over somebody very, very important. His sargent
asked who, our mayor, a movie star, or what?? The
cop replied, " Well I'm not sure who, but he must
be really important because the pope is his
chauffer!!"
____________________________________________________
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the
owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no"
on his penis.

The owner agreed and the tattooing was underway.

When the job was complete, the man thought his
new tattoo looked great and he paid for the
service.

That night when the man went home he approached
his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his
pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his
aroused organ displaying his new tattoo.

He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think
of my new tattoo?"

She said, "You tell me how to cook, you tell me
how to clean the house, you tell me how to do the
laundry...and now you are going to put words
in my mouth!?!?!"
__________________________________________________

A young man, in the course of his college life,
came to terms with his homosexuality and decided
to 'come out of the closet'. His plan was to
tell his mother first; so on his next home
visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother
was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden
spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that
he had realized he was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother
said, 'You mean, homosexual?'

'Well...yes.'

Still without looking up: 'Does that mean you
suck men's penises?'

Caught off guard, the young man eventually
managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative;
whereupon his mother turned to him and,
brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under
his nose, snapped:
'Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!'

[baccyman]

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish Highlands looking for material for a documentary about the way of life there.
REPORTER:

Hello there, excuse me, I'm from the BBC and I'm gathering material for a documentary about the way of life in the remote parts of the Scottish Highlands. You look like an interesting fellow, perhaps I could interview you?

SCOTSMAN:

Certainly...

REPORTER:

Well, perhaps you could start by telling me your name?

SCOTSMAN:

Well now there's a story. Y'know I deliver the mail round here, but do they call me Donald the Postman? No they don't.

You see those fine crofts up on the hill there, well, I built more than half of them myself, but do they call me Donald the Croftbuilder? No, they don't.

And did you pass the nets down in the harbour? Well, I made several of them, but do they call me Donald the Netmaker? No, they don't.

But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....

[ziggyjuarez]

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know, it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said "What would God want with a dead dog?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A roving reporter from the BBC was touring a remote part of the Scottish ....
But, I tell you, a moment's weakness with just ONE sheep ....

http://members.shaw.ca/wenpigs/confused/wtf.gif

[baccyman]

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned Water into Wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Human Resources Policy
Subject: Human Resources Policy
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:
And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:
No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?

INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:
It's not my f______ problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:
What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:
This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that

INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:
Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:
F___ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

18 TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:
He's a d___k.

Thank You,

Human Resources

[baccyman]

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and two feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.





Then the husband grabbed his wife, flung open the door to the cage, threw her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

[cpt_azad]

:lol: hhahahah

[baccyman]

glad to see that you are still reading the jokes cpt_azad.

[cpt_azad]

ya, i just comment anymore (too lazy lol) but keep em up, only reason i even visit FST anymore.

[baccyman]

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but got no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder--still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?!"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...

"We're down here."

[ziggyjuarez]

strippers :01:

[baccyman]

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went golfing.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men are sitting at a bar and each admits that he thinks his wife is cheating on him.
"I found a hammer and a tool belt under my bed yesterday," the first man says. "I think my wife is sleeping with a carpenter."

"Well, I found a medical bag under my bed yesterday," the second man admits. "I think my wife is sleeping with a doctor."

"That's nothing," the third man says. "When I came home yesterday, I found a cowboy under my bed.I think my wife is screwing a horse."

[baccyman]

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried to give her some warm milk, but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you go to the Lord."

She raised herself in bed and with a pious look on her face said,

"Don't sell that cow."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help. A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"
The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread. Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

[baccyman]

An older friend and I went to eat breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good" my friend said; "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte" the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My friend asked incredulously. "Then, I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?" asked the waitress.

She replied, "Raw and in the shell."

She took the two eggs home.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Chicken, the Horse and the Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, there's a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

[baccyman]

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer.

"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Diary, For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring , Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Super, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with! it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy

[cpt_azad]

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer.

"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."


Amen :lol:

[baccyman]

The leggy, long haired blonde columnist lawyer named Ann was wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut blouse. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.
All night long a dweebish looking guy named Ray, kept eyeing her. They made eye contact and he came over to her.

Slightly embarrassed as Ray gazed all over her, she held up her airplane charm and said, "Oh, you like my airplane?"

"Actually, ma'am," he smiled mischievously, "I'm kind of fond of the landing field."

[baccyman]

One day mom was cleaning her son's room and under the bed, she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the Maitre'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait.
"Would you like to wait in the bar, Sir?", he says.

The man goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"

The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender pauses for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time, there were FOUR little peegs . . . "

[baccyman]

The blonde reported for her final examination which consisted of Yes/No answers. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper, and then in a bit of inspiration, takes a quarter out of her purse. The blonde then starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for heads and "No" for tails.
Within 30 minutes she's all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes of the exam period, the blonde again frantically starts flipping the coin again.

The moderator, concerned about what she's doing, stops by and asks if she's ok.

"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago -- but, " explained the frantic coin-tossing blonde, "I'm going back thru and checking my answers!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.
"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has."

[baccyman]

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you:
The following day I stopped smoking.

8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;

The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;

This morning I stopped reading.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

[99%]

http://www.dusky.sk/pics/2003-04/Only_in_IndiaXX1X.jpg

[baccyman]

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

[bigboab]

Not sure if this has been done. Alzheimers.:lol:

A young lady went to the doctors and complained that every time she walked a whistling sound came from between her legs. The doctor could not find anything wrong with her and decided to send her to see a gynaecologist.

After examining her the gynaecologist said to her, ‘This is a complete mystery to me, I am going to record this noise and send it to a sexual organ expert in Texas for his opinion’. So he got the young lady to walk up and down while he recorded the sound on a tape. He sent the tape to the expert in Texas. He unfortunately omitted to include young ladies medical records. He just asked what this sound could be.

Three weeks later he received a reply from Texas saying:

‘Owing to the lack of medical records, all I can really say about this noise is that it sounds like some c*nt whistling’.:lol:

[baccyman]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[baccyman]

Wee Willie was walking with Wanda, his new girlfriend, carrying her books home from grammar school. Both were eight years old.
"Wanda," said Wee Willie with a worshipping gaze, "you are the first girl I have ever loved."

"Dammit!" said Wanda, "another beginner."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man in a bar, after several drinks, began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only. The patrons of the bar decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.
First they tried maple. He smelled it and said, "That's maple."

They then tried ebony; he again smelled it and named the wood correctly. He did this with ever piece of wood they brought before him.

The bartender then got an idea to trick him. And they took one of the waitresses and put her crotch up to his nose. He sniffed for a while.

"Boy," he said "this is difficult, flip that board over and let me smell the other side."

So they took they waitress and put her ass near his nose.

He took a big whiff, started to smile and said, "You guy's can't fool me! That is the shit house door from a tuna boat!"

[scottfree]

haha.....................................ha

[baccyman]

Teacher to class: "Give me a good example of an oxymoron."
Kid in back row: "A well adjusted transvestite."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"
Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!"

Then the fun began...



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."

Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's sh*t with me!"

[scottfree]

Q: What's the first symptom of aids..........?

A: A hard thumping in your ass!


:lookaroun

[baccyman]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious."I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her at a department store.
The little boy gets bored so he decides to have a look around.

When his mom comes out of the changing room, she finds her little boy sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!", she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT US WOMEN HAVE GOT TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.

So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have got teeth down below.

By the time the little boy reaches the age of 16, he finds himself a girl.

One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?", he asks.

She replies, "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?", while pointing to her privates.

"HELL NO!", he cries. "You've got teeth down there!"

"No I don't", she responds.

"Yes you do", he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't", she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry", he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for Christ's sake!", she screams.

With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

[baccyman]

Abbot and Costello Meet Windows 98

Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium III-500, 256 Megs
of RAM, 12 Gig hard drive, and a DVD!
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.

Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer wiz
Abbot: Well, I don't know...

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And
you're going to train me.
Abbot: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first
lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on,
but I heard that you should be very careful how
you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer
and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and
then..

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button..

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I
know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.

Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button!

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop?
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the
computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.

Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.

Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press..

Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the
computer, I am willing to press the Stop button,
the End button, Cease and Desist button, but no
one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and
Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.

Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think
it's about time we started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right
now. Good-bye.

[baccyman]

Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs.
He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the senator that she has crabs?"

After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition.

She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.

He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.

She says "What?"

He again responds "Nixon's Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Senator Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded, "When we were first married we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions."

At which point the wife took up the tale, "And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision."

[baccyman]

Andy Reid had put together the perfect Eagles team, missing only a stud quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, even the Canadian and European leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer to guarantee a Super Bowl win.
One night he was watching a war-zone scene in Iraq on TV. In the background of one shot, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another grenade 75 yards, pitching it right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another into a car passing at 90 mph. BULL'S-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Reid shouted. "He's got the perfect arm!" He finds him and brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. The Eagles go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Iraqi is hailed as a great hero, and when Reid asks him what he wants, he says he wants to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman snaps. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"

"You don't understand, Mother," the QB pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. The elections are a joke, your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"

The old lady pauses, then tearfully adds, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Philadelphia!"

[99%]

Q how do you know when you have a high sperm count.



A your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows .

http://filesharingtalk.com/vb3/images/smilies/sick.gif

[baccyman]

A man in his mid 40s goes to a building site and asks the foreman if he has any job openings.
"Actually, I am a man short," replies the foreman. "Do you have experience?"

"I've worked in construction all my life," the man says, "but I had an accident a few years ago and haven't worked since. To make a long story short, I was working with a large industrial saw when it slipped and, well, it castrated me."

"Ooh," the foreman says, wincing. "That's awful, but you have plenty of experience, so come down tomorrow morning at 10 and I'll get you started."

"Great," replies the man. "But don't I usually see you guys here at nine?"

"Yeah," the foreman says, "but for the first hour we just stand around scratching our balls."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blondie Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The blonde pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"
The blonde copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! You're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?" "Well we better, were almost out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

"WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the blonde captain. "That runway was SHORT!"

"Yeah!" said the blonde copilot," and WIDE too!"

[baccyman]

The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't already in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.

"Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask." The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

[baccyman]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his butler at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home...
"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"

"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."

"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."

"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."

"My dear Clyde died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"

"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."

"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?"

"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."

"Good Lord! How in the world did the barn burn down?"

"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."

"The *house*? The house burnt down, too? How did the house burn down?"

"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."

"Oh. Candle? Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"

"They were there for the wake, sir."

"The wake?!? Whose wake? For pity's sake..."

"Actually, your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."

"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"

"It must have been the shock, sir."

"The shock."

"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

[baccyman]

Why did the blond throw away her weight loss
video?

Because she noticed that the people on the video
were not losing weight either.
______________________________________________

Great Signs

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium:
"Drop your pants here."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a Butcher's window:
"Let me meat your needs."

In a Beauty Shop:
"Dye now!"

On Maternity Room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On the side of a firewood delivery truck:
"Fulfilling all your burning desires!"

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel:
"Help Wanted. We need inn-experienced people."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

On a Music Teacher's door:
"Out Chopin, Bach in a minuet."

On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

_________________________________________________

A cannibal invited a cannibal friend over for
supper one evening. While enjoying the soup, the
friend said, "Your wife sure makes a great soup!".
The host replied, "Yes, and I'm really going
to miss her."

[baccyman]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[baccyman]

Gentlemen:
I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

A Commuter

* * *

Dear Sir:

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

The Railroad

* * *

Gentlemen:

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.

Yours truly,

A Commuter



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I got a new car radio yesterday and it is terrific.
If I say "Rock" it plays rock and roll.

If I say "Rap" it plays rap.

If I say "Love" it plays love songs.

Three kids ran out in front of the car and I said "F *#^ing kids!"

And it played Michael Jackson.

[baccyman]

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time she understood the facts of life. "Honey," she began, "I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady's tummy and..."
"It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom," interrupted the daughter, "but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your breasts and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs.

One morning, she was running late. She was on the bus before she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Because she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, she got up, right in the middle of the bus, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He leaned toward her, winked, and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[baccyman]

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the guard replied.

"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"

"The same exact thing," the guard answered.

"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"

"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,

Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[baccyman]

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.
"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The third graders were attending their first music lesson.
The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.

The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote,

"Dear Aunt Emma,

Just a short note to tell you I'm fine."
________________________________________________________________________
Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.
"Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas."

A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly.

"Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage.

Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little fart!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork...
Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Perfect.... I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

There is another flash of light and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irrestible to women."

A final blaze of light and he turns into a box of chocolates!

[baccyman]

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

[thecreator89]

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
hahahaha

[baccyman]

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check.

Oh, good news. Her record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me shit."

[baccyman]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid said, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" Kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid said, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing."
__________________________________________________________________________

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color.

She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"

The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

[maebach]

your the best man :01: :D

[baccyman]

thanks

[baccyman]

Once there was a penguin on his way to Arizona for
a holiday. On his way, he noticed that his car had
high oil pressure so he stopped to see what
the problem was.

On realizing that his car had an oil leak he
pulls into the next town to a garage. While it is
being fixed he decides to look around the town.

Being a penguin, he decides that a nice cold
ice-cream could be good, but not having any hands
he gets himself into quite a mess trying to eat
it with his little flippers.

When he goes back to the garage to pick up his
car, he asks the mechanic "What's the problem?"
The mechanic looks up and says "Looks like you
blew a seal"

"Oh, no, no," the penguin replies looking
embarrassed "That's just ice-cream"
_______________________________________________

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with
stealing several paintings from the Louvre.

However, after planning the crime, and getting
in and out past incredible security, he was
captured only two blocks away when his Econoline
ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime
and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!

[baccyman]

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving.

"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

[baccyman]

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a REAL vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they headed for the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on their beach chairs, enjoying a drink when all of a sudden this "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help staring.

As she passed by she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father, Good Morning, Father" nodding and addressing each of them individually.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. This time they were so loud, you could hear them coming before you could see them. Again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blond came strolling by. This time her bikini was even more daring. They were really glad that they were wearing sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.

As she approached, she again nodded and said, "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it. "Wait, please young lady. Yes, we are priests and proud of it, but I have to know - how in the world could you tell that we are both priests?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela."

[lcrt]

Bill Clinton is sitting next to a White House
intern one day at a gathering. The President says
to her, "Would you like to come to the Oval office
and see my clock?"

She says, "No, Mr. President, I don't think so."

The President replies, "Please. I'd really like to
show it to you."

"No, Mr. President, I really can't."

"Come on. Come and see my clock. It'll only take a
minute."

"All right. If it won't take long."

They go to the Oval Office. The President sits
down, unzips his pants, and pulls out his dick.

The intern says, "That's not a clock, it's a cock"

To which the President says, "If you put two hands
and a face on it, it's a clock sweetheart."


nice:)

[baccyman]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor smiled, "It'll help keep the sheets off his legs."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-faced youngster was doing, he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied little Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him.

" The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

[baccyman]

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.
Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"

[baccyman]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked. "This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven." "WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately." "It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own." Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?" "Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode." "Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg." "How do I do that?" Tom asked. "Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, Wake up! You're ****tin' all over the bed!"

[baccyman]

When my grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.
As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts.

The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc.

He responded with, "Mrs. Goldstein, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, .... "Anyone who's 99."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.
"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Chevrolet, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

[baccyman]

ITALIAN PASTA DIET, IT REALLY WORKS !!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.

2) You walka pasta da candy store.

3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

~Also~

CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[baccyman]

This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. She screams and drives into town to find the local law.
She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with his drink.

"What kind of sick town are you running here? I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal... and then... I come in here.... and see this old man in the corner abusing himself in public!"

"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"



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After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."



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During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."

The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Johnny replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

So Bobby says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher passed out.

[baccyman]

Sad! Very, very sad....................
THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD.

Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!

And you're on the computer!



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Barbecue - It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off", and upon seeing her annoyed reaction concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[baccyman]

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her.

When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat.

The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"



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An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train.
The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?"

The old Jew does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew keeps silent.

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?"

The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

[baccyman]

There was this boy in high school that was what you would consider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basement of his home and one night he came up and said "Dad look what I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot of soil and instantly grass started to grow.
Of course his dad was really impressed with this and asked his son if he can make something to make his penis grow.

His son thought for a minute and said that if he did then dad would have to buy him a convertable.

Dad agreed.

The next night the son came out of the basement and gave his dad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and told him that he had something to show him. They went to the front yard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.

The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."

The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari is from your mother."



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An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"

[baccyman]

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia.
One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

'You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world,' she said.

'I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way.

They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out.'

'Excuse me, Mother,' one of the girls asked. 'You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?'

'Yes child, why do you ask?'

'Because the priests only give us candy!'



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A hostess is making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. "Nora," she said to her veteran servant, "for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing room door and call the guests' names as they arrive."
Nora's face lit up. "Thank you, ma'am," she replied. "I've been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last twenty years."

[baccyman]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

[baccyman]

Q. What's the major difference between wives and husbands who are trying to have children?
A. Wives want to videotape the birth of their child.
Husbands want to videotape the conception.



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At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Master Carlos? This is Arnaldo your country house caretaker"
"Ah yes, Mr. Arnaldo. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died"

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?"

"That's the one."

"Darn! That's such a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh well...what did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who was so mean as to give him meat?"

"Nobody. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."

"Dead horse? What dead horse Mr. Arnaldo?"

"Why those pure breed ones that you had, sir. They died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for???"

"For the funeral."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL???!!!!!"

"Your mother's! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................."Arnaldo if you broke that driver you are fired!"



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While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress. His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather."
Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung." The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake"

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile" The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style.. ... me sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear." The Chief said: "No deer.. Ass too high, run too fast.

[baccyman]

Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh Marie," she said to her maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute !" Marie snapped."You're just saying that to make me jealous !!!"



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One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.
Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help but notice how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed.

"Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

[baccyman]

Good Girls -v- Bad Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot. Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it. Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.

Good girls wax their floors. Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls blush during love scenes in a movie. Bad girls know they could do it better.

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls. Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.

Good girls wear high heels to work. Bad girls wear high heels to bed.

Good girls say, "Don't... Stop..." Bad girls say, "Don't Stop..."

[hostix]

Ha Ha

[baccyman]

A 75 year old tycoon and his 22 year old blonde bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack. The paramedics were called to the scene and worked to stabilize the old man.
The paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, so, one of the medics turned to the blonde bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them."

"Okay," she agreed with a shrug. She leaned toward the stretcher and whispered, "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."



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In 1940 two men were flying from New York to Los Angeles on what was then a new DC-3. They left New York and when they landed in Philadelphia, a red truck drove up to put fuel into the wing.
A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh and, again, a red truck pulled up to fill the tanks with fuel.

Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing a truck pull up again, one said to the other, "we sure are making good time."

Said the other, "yes, we are, and so is that red truck!"

[baccyman]

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"


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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[baccyman]

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, "If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite."

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

"Well", the husband replied, "There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!"



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Say What???
1. If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

2. It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security." For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure."

3. Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

4. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

11. When you're swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

12. A fine is tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

13. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

14. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

15. I wished the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

16. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[baccyman]

For their 25th wedding anniversary, a man decides to take his wife on a trip to France. After two weeks touring France, they return to the airport for the trip back to America. While waiting for the plane, the wife turns to her husband and says, "This was the most wonderful gift I could have asked for on our 25th anniversary. I can't wait to hear what you have in mind for our 50th anniversary!"
Her husband leaned over, kissed her on the cheek, and said, "I'm going to come back and get you"

[baccyman]

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said..........

"Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"

[baccyman]

Saul asked his wife, Myra, for a nice Jewish wine with his dinner.
Thus, as they came to the table to enjoy the lovely brisket Myra prepared for their meal, she turned to him and said, "My shoes are dusty, my dress doesn't fit, I need a new hair dew, and Neiman Marcus is closed. Oy Vey!"



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"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"

I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

[cpt_azad]

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said..........

"Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"

LMFAO :lol:

[baccyman]

This guy was having a drink in a bar. It didn't escape his notice that the bartender was a very sexy lady.
She came over to chat for a bit and he said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom," as he lay a $10 bill on the bar.

She knew the bathroom was around the corner and accepted his bet. He removed his glass eye and took off to the john.

"Very funny," she said when he returned.

He smiled and said, "Ok, look, let's try another one."

Again, a $10 bill goes down on the table. "I'll bet you I can bite my own ear."

She matches the $10 and watches unbelievingly as the guy removes his false teeth and clamps them down on his ear.

He grins and said, "All right, one more bet. A chance to win your money back. I bet I can make love to you so tenderly that you won't feel a thing."

Thinking this was something she knew about, she took him by the hand out back behind the bar and lifted her skirt. They went to town.

A few moments later she giggled, "I can feel you."

He kept on pumping and said, "Well, win some, lose some!"



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Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 98 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel "Any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Yeah, looks like it"

"Are his flashers on?"

The blonde turned around again...... Lemme

see.... "Yup....nope....yup....nope....yup....nope....yup..."

[baccyman]

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?
It's for the Christmas period.



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A blonde and brunette were walking down the road.
The brunette sees her husband, and he is carrying flowers.

The brunette says to the blonde "Now I'm going to have to spread my legs!"

The blonde then asked, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"



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A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger."
Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

[baccyman]

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine".
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens -- the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me -- it's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf -- he's BLIND!"

[baccyman]

In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is? In France they say
"It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say
Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"


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Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest tells her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she says.

"Yes, I see," he says. "And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!"

[baccyman]

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying
three ducks. One in each hand and one under his
left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few
drinks and chats with the Bartender. The
Bartender is experienced and has learned not to
ask people about the animals that they bring into
the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They
chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the
ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are
left on the bar.

The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is
an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try
to make some conversation. "What's your name?"
He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the first
duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely
day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
day". "Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.

Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's
your name?". "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's
your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had
a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I
had the chance another day I would do the same
again".

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says
"So, you must be Louie". "No", growls the third
duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
fucking day".

[baccyman]

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.
He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "That's just like my Harry's."

"You mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."



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A young, flat-chested woman discovered the fabled magic lamp, and sure enough, when she rubbed it, out popped a magic genie, ready to grant her a single wish.
"I want two of the biggest boobs in the whole world!" she said.

The genie nodded, waved his hand, and, all of a sudden *poof!* there was a great cloud of smoke.

When it had cleared, the woman saw, standing beside her, George W. Bush and Dick Cheney.



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I went to the bar the other night and told the 'keep, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"'Less'? Never heard of it," he said.

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure," I replied. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should 'drink Less.'"

[baccyman]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!


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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he left the bar some time later, he realized that his horse had been stolen.
The cowboy rushed back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking, and then fired a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I did back in Texas. And let me tell you, I don't wanna have to do what I did back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The cowboy had another beer, then walked outside to find his horse was back. So, he saddled up and prepared to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and said, "Say partner, what happened in Texas anyway?"

The cowboy turned back and said,

"I had to walk home!"

[baccyman]

THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW
Why do men's hearts beat quicker, go weak in the knees, get dry throats and think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing

BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK!



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A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air or beneath the sea. The Americans were incredulous.
Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tire is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

"Wow, man! How do you know all that?" asked one American.

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the f**king thing about half an hour ago."

[baccyman]

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"



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There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass. Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. "Young lady," he began, "I would like three pickets to Titsburg..." Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg," he began, "and I would like the change in nipples and dimes." So of course he also fled.

Then came the third. "Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say," he continued, "if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his peter at you!"

[baccyman]

Two kids playing in a lane found a donkey who had died with a hard on. Being the mischievous kind of boys, they cut off the donkey's dick and began brandishing it in the air. Just then a police officer on his bicycle came up the lane, and the boys not wanting to be caught with it tossed it over the wall of the Nunnery.
Sister Agnes and Sister Mary taking their afternoon stroll found the dick in the bushes. "Oh sweet Lord!" says Sister Agnes.

"What's wrong?" asks Sister Mary. "You've gone as white as a sheet."

"It's those dirty protestant bastards," Sister Agnes replies. "They have murdered Father O'Toole!"



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A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died.
When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"

His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"

[baccyman]

Police are investigating Richard Whiteley's death , they suspect vowel play. Poor old richard - at least he went out with a 9 letter word - Pneumonia

Richard Whiteley's funeral music - Europe - The final countdown

[baccyman]

Doug and Bill started a business from scratch. Through hard work they built it into a very successful company with sales in the millions. Doug and Bill lived like kings.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, customers disappeared and the business failed. Doug and Bill blamed each other and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Doug drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some of the crumbs from the table, a waiter approached the table. Doug looked up and gasped, it was Bill.

"Bill," he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this."

"Yeah," said Bill, curling his lip, "But at least I don't have to eat here."



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After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."

[baccyman]

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it," replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."



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Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiancée thinks I'm a virgin, is there anything you can do to help me?"
After the doctor stopped laughing, he says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try...on the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh, when your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea, and knows her hubby-to-be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in", she snaps the elastic band, and the hubby asks, "What the *@#% was that?"

The wife explains, "oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

[Wolfmight]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[Wolfmight]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

:stuart::stuart::stuart:

[baccyman]

The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged. So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed, and set up the Blonde Education Department.
The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbos after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."



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A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand.

"We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico,"he replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"That's right..." the man said with a smile, "So bill my Brother-in-law."

[baccyman]

"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and hell, we're not using it anymore."



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Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.
"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $17,000."

"What did he have?"

"Oh... About $17,000."



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This is a story about a popular young Rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to his congregation that he will not renew his contract. He explains that he is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every 3 years and his wife with a Honda mini-van to help with the children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee his kids get a fine college education!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Goldfarb, age 70, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Rabbi, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie answers, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fu*k the Rabbi.'"

[baccyman]

Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite.

"He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!"

The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea.

So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month."

The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away.

The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne.

So she asks, "What's going on, dear?"

"We're celebrating!" he replies.

"Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks.

"Anal sex week!"

[baccyman]

A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him, "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"
"That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says.

The young woman walks over to Bob and says, "Excuse me, Bob, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you."

Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Bob, I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your penis and give you the best blowjob you ever had!"

Bob smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay, but what's in it for me?"



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Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I just turned out the light!"

[PoOki]

Llllllllllllllllolllllllllllllllll

[baccyman]

pleased that you liked the jokes
____________________________

Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol. On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the other one got, so, they traded.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"

"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"



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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family followed an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand painted sign:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

[cpt_azad]

Shortly after her wedding, the newlywed wife is complaining to her mother about her husband's insatiable sexual appetite.

"He wants to do it 15 times a day, anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- on the table, on the stairs, on the sofa, in the car, in the morning, in the afternoon, and in the evening. I can barely walk anymore!"

The mother advises her daughter to tell him that she has her period, which seems like a good idea.

So that evening, when the husband comes home from work, he proceeds to undress himself and his wife, when she stops him.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but it's that time of the month."

The husband gets up, looks at his wife, and says, "It's all good honey. I understand." He puts on a robe and walks away.

The wife is somewhat surprised at the mature reaction of her husband, until a few minutes later he returns holding two glasses and a bottle of champagne.

So she asks, "What's going on, dear?"

"We're celebrating!" he replies.

"Celebrating? What exactly are we celebrating?" she asks.

"Anal sex week!"

LMFAO :lol:
haven't been on the forums that much but I just got a chance to read at all the jokes that I missed (a lot of em)

keep it up baccyman :) w/o you FST would suck big time

[baccyman]

thanks pleased that you are enjoying the jokes.

[baccyman]

Science magazine came out with a report on the difference between men and women's brains. Apparently women are more controlled by a part of the brain called singletgyrus.
Men are more controlled by a part of the brain known as the penis.



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"Will I be the first to do this to you ?" whispered the man after his bride-to-be finally consented to sex.
"What a silly question," giggled the girl. "I don't even know what position you want to use yet."



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A newly-married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.

"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

[baccyman]

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," one buddy told another.
"Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?"

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, this is a new age we live in. Go ahead and tell her about it!"

So the guy went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that so many times and it never worked."



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A man committed murder. To fight his case he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this one is not good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $100,000.So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death.
As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said " I would have got you this result for $100 only"!



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Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective:

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ........ $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ...... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ..... $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ......... .. $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or, God forbid, Pepto Bismal or Nyquil.

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

[baccyman]

Joseppi was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looked at his lunch and said, "I don't like chicken soup, bring something else."
The orderly said, "It's good for you, the doctor said you should have it."

Joseppi refused to eat. That night, Joseppi’s roommate had bad stomach pain, so the nurses came in to give him an enema. By mistake, they gave the enema to Joseppi. The following week, when he was leaving the hospital, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital.

Joseppi told him, "Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but they're very strict about their food. Here's a good tip: when they bring up chicken soup you better eat it, or else they'll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your ass."



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One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?

[baccyman]

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.
When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend," the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, Reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

[baccyman]

The husband had just finished reading the book, 'MAN OF THE HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The f**king funeral director would be my guess?!"

[baccyman]

camilla was having a chat with the queen one day . she said to the queen every time i give charles oral sex i get a funny feeling in my stomach afterwards . so the the queen said to camilla have you tried andrews.
__________________________________________________ _______________

Camilla Parker Bowles has said she's delighted to be getting married,
but has turned down the Queen's offer of a free weekend in Paris with car and driver thrown in.


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A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"How much material did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house, and enough for my son's house, and houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."



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This fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.
"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That’s why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn’t that suit fit great?"

[baccyman]

Where did you take that blind date I set you up with last night?"
"I took her to the football game."

"But that was the coldest night of the year. Did you enjoy yourself?"

"No. The whole time we were there, her tooth chattered."
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This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's." These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends. So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.

They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"

[baccyman]

A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed I’ve got one of them.”
“Which one?” asked the operator.
“The one that was robbed.”


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Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[baccyman]

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Morris mailed off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank you" note from the manufacturer.

"Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Ruth.

"I think that next time," Morris replied. "I'm writing to General Motors."



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APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

[baccyman]

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know



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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."


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There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they discussed which was the oldest profession. The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam's rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world. The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession. The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, "Yes, but whom do you think created the chaos?"

[baccyman]

A Nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....
Some asshole's got my pen."



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Don't Be So Serious!
Do you take life too seriously?

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand . . . you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

12. I intend to live forever--so far so good.

13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.

14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.

23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

25. Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.

26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

30. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

[baccyman]

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"



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Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."

"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[baccyman]

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
The results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.



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Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"

"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well" Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"

Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think i am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

[baccyman]

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well.
The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middle man and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.

A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"

Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale". The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts.

She said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

The old farmer popped out crying and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevels ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

[Aurora]

Hahahahaha

[baccyman]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to someplace expensive...................
So I took her to a gas station.



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A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well, Son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have all of mine."



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Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? California? Oregon? Switzerland? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, but here’s the real version.
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

[baccyman]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.
All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need a piece of tail!”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.”



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One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters.
She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,

'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'

[baccyman]

Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?
You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.

Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.

When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.

[baccyman]

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard.
"Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
"Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
"Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman.
"Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman.
"Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town.
Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."



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A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[baccyman]

My name is, Paul...
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Sue. When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessaryfor Sue to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting... Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.

I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Sue. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

Paul

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Paul died suddenly Thursday, June 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his rectum with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Sue was arrested, but the Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it and she was released on Friday.

[baccyman]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it. The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?” The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”

[baccyman]

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."



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A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

[baccyman]

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says, "You are forgiven, my son.

Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."



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Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 "thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a very strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last even 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over toward Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the America Dachshund at full speed. But when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened his mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world, and the biggest and meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."

[baccyman]

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."



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A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the sh*t out of my ducks!"



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Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2005. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, sh*t, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

[baccyman]

Two Jewish businessmen meet in the street.
"Oy, Abraham, I'm sorry to hear about that fire at your warehouse".

"Ssh!" hisses the other, "It's not till next week".

[baccyman]

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.

[baccyman]

My wife came home from the doctor's office and said that he told her she couldn't make love.
I've always known this, but how he find out?



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Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.
10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."

9. "Show me how you used to spank her."

8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."

7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"

6. "I just got my license today."

5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."

4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."

3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"

2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"

1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?"



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Mexican Police Officer: "So, do you know the criminal Pablo Sanchez?"
Juan (just taken prisoner): "Know him? Yesterday, I am riding my horse, and the horse he stop to make droppings in the road. Pablo Sanchez step out from bushes, holding very big pistola and tells me to get down. Then he points to the droppings and says, 'You must eat all of that'. And what can I do? He has the very big gun, so I start to eat. Pablo is laughing. He laughs so hard that he drops the big gun. I quick grab it and say, 'Now, Pablo, you must eat!'

"And what can Pablo do? I now have the very big gun. So Pablo eat all the rest of that pile. So, you ask do I know Pablo Sanchez? Why, just yesterday Pablo and I have lunch together."

[baccyman]

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.
"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendan t. "Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"

[baccyman]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Cop. Being a typical lawyer, he thinks he is smarter than the Cop so he decides to have some fun at the Cop’s expense.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "Exactly! License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is the law says you have to come to a full and complete stop. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "I’ll make you a deal. If you can show me the legal difference between slowdown and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not you let me go and no ticket."

Cop says, "Certainly. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the Cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer. All the while, the Cop kept saying...

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

[baccyman]

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.
The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

The hooker replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's "really" original, it'll cost you an extra $20."



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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs.
She asked, "What are their names?"

The blonde replied, "That one is Rolex, and that one is Timex."

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helllooo?" said the blonde. "They're watch dogs..."

[baccyman]

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.
The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.



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FATAL THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE
17. "I finished the Oreo's."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream."

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

[baccyman]

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. Father's Day? Baahh--don't worry about that--no biggie.

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

And the #1 thing you will never hear...

1. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?



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As we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years. The following may be the reason why.
A math problem in the 60's A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70's A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?

A math problem in the 70's using New Math A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?

A math problem in the 80's A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education. By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)

[baccyman]

FIVE SECRETS of a Perfect Relationship
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other



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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"

[baccyman]

All About Farts.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must not forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

[baccyman]

How do you know if your secretary’s having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.



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Since Cameron was a flaming homosexual, all of his friends and relatives were stunned when he got married, and even more when his wife became pregnant.
One day a group of them spotted Cameron on the beach and they came right over. "So, Cameron, how'd it happen?" asked one of them, with a wink at the woman's ballooning belly.

Cameron blushed and pointed to a good-looking hunk standing next to his wife. "I have that marvelous young man to thank," he explained.

"Ah, so he's your wife's lover?" pursued the friend.

"Not entirely," replied Cameron with a giggle and a grin.

"He's our go-between."



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"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing."
"Now, that's an most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis." the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it."

So, the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue.

[baccyman]

A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside.
"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's Pentecostal!"



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While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.
Rabbi: "What are doing here with a dog?"

Bernie: "The dog came here to pray."

"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.

"YES!" says Bernie.

Rabbi: "I don't believe you. You are just fooling around; that's not a proper thing to do in temple."

Bernie: "Its true!"..

"Ok", says the Rabbi, "then show me what the dog can do."

"OK" says Bernie nodding to the dog...The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school????"

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, "YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!"

[baccyman]

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."



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You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to Heaven.
St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said "You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into Heaven."

Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.

He said "OK. Princess Di?"

Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.

Finally he decided. "Princess Di. You're in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats Two of a Kind!"



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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.

That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

[baccyman]

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

[baccyman]

Subject: Alcoholoscopes!
ARIES: Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them,should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS: Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI: Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much -- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusions, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER: Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO: Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one that brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO: Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA: Drinking style: "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO: Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS: Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN: Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS: Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best-designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is fascinated by drunken people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES: Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign -- and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days.The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways, you know.

[cpt_azad]

George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"

LMFAO :lol:

keep em up baccy :01:

[baccyman]

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"



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Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.
The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime.

Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

[baccyman]

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."


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A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his bladder was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day.
People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over.

He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.

The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."

The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.

Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."

The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"

[slim150]

i hope this thread dies soon

[baccyman]

i hope this thread dies soon
if you don't like it DON'T READ IT.


Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."



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Things Not To Say To A Cop
1. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

2. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

3. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Bad cop! No donut!

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

8. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. I pay your salary!

11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

14. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

15. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

[baccyman]

WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS ...
Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Salvatore grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Salvatore is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead. "There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard. Luigi's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"



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A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious.
Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that Teddy Kennedy is a rich, good-for-nothing fat drunk.

We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us..."

[baccyman]

A Texas rancher and his wife were bickering while vacationing in France. They were still hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived the rancher said: "I'll have a big, thick porterhouse steak."

The waiter replied: "Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"

To which the rancher replied, "She'll have a salad."



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A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[baccyman]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. When they get to the room, the first dwarf strips down but no matter how hard he tries, he`s unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO,THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn`t get an erection." The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that`s embarrassing? I couldn`t even get on the bed!"

[baccyman]

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink?"

"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.

"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.

"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long."



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A young couple had identical twin sons and nearly everyone had a heck of a time telling them apart.
An aunt asked the mom if she had any problems distinguishing the two lads.

The mother replied, "No, I can tell them apart by their balls.

One bawls all night, the other bawls all day!"


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There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

[baccyman]

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



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A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about Herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "what the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you Tell?" The old man replies, "Promise you won't get mad?" "No," she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."



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A man, about to undergo an IRS audit, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his legal counsel the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your finest suit and tie."

Utterly confused at this point, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of his dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "Don't you see? It doesn't matter what you wear my son! Either way, the results will be the same..."

[baccyman]

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.

While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."



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A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

That's funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too!"



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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[baccyman]

An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist’s office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"
"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.

"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."



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A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to piss, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.
There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to piss, and hears the noise. He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you stupid son-of-a-bitch, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

[baccyman]

In Texas, "feminie protection" means a concealed, pink, Glock 9 mm.
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A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is anyone here a doctor?"
One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?"

"I've been stung by a bee."

"Oh really, where?"

"Between the first and second hole"

"Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."



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A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a dead woman.
"How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty."

"Ah, huh, huh, I plead ze-not guilty," replied the man.

"On what grounds?" queried the judge.

"Ah, huh, huh, I did not think she that she was dead... I thought she was Brittish."

[baccyman]

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."



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Dad's Dating Rules!
Rule One

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five

In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[baccyman]

An old man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his! wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "JUST GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"



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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."



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A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.
"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

[baccyman]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in
the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome
by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have
you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into
the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him
out of the water and asks again. "Have you found
Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks
the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him
down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his
arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again
asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and
says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[baccyman]

Like, A Totally California State Residency Application... man...
Name:
(Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil", "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

Age: _____________

Inner Child's Age: _______

Age in Dog Years: _______

Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________

Sex:

_____ M _____ F

_____ Hermaphrodite

_____ Still working it out in therapy

Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot

Condition of Feet:

____ Wash Daily ____ Wash Weekly

____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man...

Occupation:
___ Massage Therapist
___ Astral Counsel
___ Pet Psychologist
___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful)
___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts
___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia
___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
___ Rent-A-Mob protester
___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
___ LA rock star groupie
___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
___ Professional Emotional Victim

Name(s) of Significant Other(s):

________________________________
Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):

: ____ Astral Soulmate

____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the rent was cheap

____ My dog's massage therapist

____ "Just Friends"

____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them as tax deduction(s)

Number of Children in Commune: _____

Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____

Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of

Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____

Mother's Name: ____________________

Father's Name: ____________________

Where were you were conceived:

____ Woodstock

____ Monterey

____ Under the stars on in the commune's hot tub

____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show

Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:

Number of copies sold: ____

Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____

Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on wind chimes: ___

Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____

Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____

Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:

____ Donahue ____ Ricki Lake ____ Geraldo ____ Sally Jesse ____ The morning news' surf report

Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____

Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____

Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on tour")

Number of bongs you own: ____

Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out:

Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have personalities)

____ Green Party
____ American Communist Party
____ Socialist Party
____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
____ Hemp Party
____ The Party-Hearty Party
____ Inner Child Abuse Hotline Party
____ New Age Goddess Party

How far is your home from the waterline:
___ Miles
___ Yards
___ Feet
___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

Number of surfboards owned: ____

Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally", "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like, totally don't know)

[baccyman]

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a
senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their
generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world,"
the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear, "today
we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the
moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing .. and uh.."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer
said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were
young; ......so we invented them, you little twit! What the hell are
you doing for the next generation??"

I love senior citizens.

[baccyman]

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 2004 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer



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There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so.............

[baccyman]

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was, "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve. . . we have forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes, way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, (wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants). A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and was He ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? " God, as our first parent, asked?

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said,

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."



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Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.

But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"

The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."

[baccyman]

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the U. S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and will have been given only the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.

2. There is no limit.

3. They taste just like chicken.

4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq would be over IN A WEEK.



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Grandma Goldberg, a woman of 85, was slowly ambling down the street when she met her physician Dr. Cohen. Dr. Cohen, a dapper graying man in his early 60's asked the elderly lady-- "Mrs. Goldberg how are you feeling?"
For a long moment the woman gave the good doctor a terrible stare and then she said -- "You ask me how I'm feeling! I'll tell you how I'm feeling!! My legs hurt, my chest is sore, my heart is beating too fast and I can't sleep!!! I have horrible headaches and stomach pains too!"

The good doctor looked at the elderly lady with compassion, "If you're feeling so awful, why don't you come and see me right away?"

Grandma Goldberg let out a sigh and said, "I was just waiting until I felt a little better."

[baccyman]

A Survey was conducted as to why men like blow jobs:
10% liked the feeling

12% liked the dominance

78% liked the f**king silence



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As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.
One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."



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HER side of the story:
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it may have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything about it. Don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately

We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting funny. I was getting really worried; what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me?

I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was really bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So, anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arms around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant, because, you know, he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. Then, after about 10 minutes he joined me, and, to my surprise, we made love! But he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards, even though I wanted to comfort him, I didn't. I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

HIS Side of the Story

Played badly today - shot a 93 - can't putt for shit!

Felt kinda tired.

Got laid, though

[baccyman]

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"



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As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified police, who arrested him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.

"I had him arrested," I replied.

My friend paused for a second and asked, "How badly did he play?"



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Two morons are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down.
Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, "Hey, what are you guys doing?" The two idiots say, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."

The schmuck wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says "40 feet" and walks away.

The first moron says to the other, "What a stupid idiot - we wanted the height, not the width."

[cpt_azad]

A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?"
"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $40 for a donation."

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!"

hahahah :lol: gross :P

[baccyman]

An old woman was taken to a gynecologist for the very first time. The doctor was very thorough in his examination, and of course the old woman was quite embarrassed. Finally, the exam was over and the doctor told her to get dressed and come in to his office to talk about his findings.
The old woman listened intently as the doctor gave her the results. She then said she really only had one question for him.

The doctor said, “What is the question you have?”

“Tell me young man, does your mother know how you make a living?”



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The Oil Shortage Explained
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in the USA. Well, there's a very simple answer:

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know that we were getting low.

The reason for this is purely geographical......

All the oil is in Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, Wyoming, New Mexico, etc.,

All the dipsticks are in Washington, DC!



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Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10", 120 lbs, 38-24-36, wearing a string bikini with no tan lines.
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a lesbian."

[baccyman]

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream. "What was that!?" she asks. "Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings." "Ouch," she blurts. Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires. St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo." Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to hell." He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!" The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"

[baccyman]

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".

The lady asked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".

The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[baccyman]

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says, "I must tell you something; We have a case of gonorrhea."
A nun in the back says, "Thank God, I am tired of Zinfandel."



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This next joke was told to me on my trip to Alaska. Every tourguide told the same story just a little different.
The California/Oregon State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Truckee, Kirkwood, and Yosemite areas. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.



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The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor had to take a paper bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

[baccyman]

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr.Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 twenty-five pound King crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!



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This guy couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so he called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?"

"Denver."



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Saddam's Other Relatives!
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hussein family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

Among the brothers:

Sooflay ..............the restaurateur
Guday.................the half-Australian brother
Huray.................the sports fanatic
Sashay................the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.......the twins from the African mother
Sayhay................the baseball player
Ojay..................the stalker/murderer
Gulay.................the singer/entertainer
Ebay..................the internet czar
Biliray...............the country music star
Ecksray...............the radiologist
Puray.................the blender factory owner
Regay.................the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay.................the one with bad hair

Among the sisters:

Lattay.................the coffee shop owner
Bufay..................the 300 pound sister
Dushay.................the clean sister
Phayray................the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway...............the grocery store owner
Ollay..................the half-Mexican sister
Gudlay.................the prostitute

And Finally:

There is Oyvay..... but the family doesn't like to talk about him much.

[baccyman]

Sign on condom machine in Men's Room:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."



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Q. What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A. A trip without the kids

[hungrylilboy]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3
women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of
the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking
the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with
the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
LITTLE TONY ON MATHS

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?"asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said '6'," replies TONY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?' "

"What's the f****** difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________
LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Masturbate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,

"Miss Jones, I need to take a p!ss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use
in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'. Please
use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but
if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
_______________________________________________________________________________________
LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the! Word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f****** beautiful!'"

[baccyman]

:lol: :lol: :lol: some good jokes there

[baccyman]

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr. Klopman."



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There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."



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Government Verbosity:
Pythagorean theorem: 24 words.

The Lord's prayer: 66 words.

Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.

The 10 Commandments: 179 words.

The Gettysburg address: 286 words.

The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.

U.S. Government regulations on cabbage sales: 26,911 words

[baccyman]

A young Catholic priest was assigned to an inner city parish. He was having a difficult time adjusting to his new and foreign surroundings, with particular difficulty in the area of confession.
One day, after several hours in the confessional he pulled one of the nuns aside and asked her about a word that repeatedly came up.

The priest asked, "Sister Margaret, what's a blow-job?"

And the nun replied, "A hundred bucks."



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While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.
I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines 'spaceship' as an 'imaginary aircraft'."



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A guy is sitting all alone at a bar, the bartender looks at him and laughs. The man shrugs it off...
The bartender looks at him and laughs again, the bartender finally went over to the man and said "I'm sorry but you have to be the ugliest man that I have ever seen."

The man replied by saying I don't think so. I can get any lady that I want.

The bartender looks around and sees a hot big titted blond sitting at the table with her huge boyfriend, and tells the ugly man that he bet $50 that he couldn't get the woman to even talk to him.

The ugly man agrees and says "I'll bet another $50 that I can walk straight out the door with her.

The bartender accepted.

The ugly man walked over the girl jumped into his arms and they walked out the door.

The bartender went over to the boyfriend and said, "Damn that sucks but what happened?"

The man replied with "I dont know. He just stood there lickin his eyebrows."

[baccyman]

A farmer and his wife had just woken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."



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A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.
Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."

The second man replied, "Irish."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again.

Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, "Glasgow."

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin." This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.

"Cancer", said Jim.

"...Sagittarius," replied Paddy.

[baccyman]

Lewis walked into my office carrying a strange looking bottle.
"What’s that?" I asked.

"It’s a bizarre product we found."

"What does it do?"

"It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women," he said examining the bottle. "When applied to the...er...umm... clitoris a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she’s never dreamed of."

"Gimme that stuff!" I said grabbing it out of his hand.

I looked at the directions for use. It said:

Apply liberally with tongue.



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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

[baccyman]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds.

I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach.

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, "WHO'S HORNY?"...

"She acts like she is asleep every time."

[baccyman]

Good advice!!!!
Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker

And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older Folks"

14. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Revenge Of The Blondes!
The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes!

* * *

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?

A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

* * *

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?

No one else wants it.

* * *

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?

So brunettes can remember them.

* * *

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?

Invisible.

* * *

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?

"Has the blonde left yet?"

* * *

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?

The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

* * *

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?

When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

* * *

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?

The invitation

* * *

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?

A hostage

* * *

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?

Fisher-Price

* * *

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?

It matches their mustache

[baccyman]

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"

The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."

The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to f**k 'em!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.

"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl." The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

[baccyman]

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch.
The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Morris and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.
"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"

"Naturally, a hobby I got, I'm a bee keeper."

"Well, you must live in the country then."

"Nope, right here in the city... in Brooklyn."

"Really? You must have a large house then."

"Nope, apartment."

"Geez, where do you keep'm?"

"A shoe box in my closet."

"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"

"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?"

"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"

"So f**k'em. I hate bees."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.
The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

[baccyman]

A man walks into a bar sits down and say, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender says, "Yes, we have mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka."

Man says, "Damn, what the hell is that?"

Bartender says, "Well we call it a 'Pabst Smir'!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Buddy Hackett was recently reliving his days as soldier assigned to a motor pool unit. One day he answered the phone.
"Soldier, can you tell me what equipment is available for use immediately?" the voice commanded.

"Well, sir, we have two tanks, a half-dozen half-tracks, two armoured personnel carriers, couple of motorcycles, and Fat-Ass Johnson's command Jeep, sir."

"Soldier? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No, sir."

"This is Major Johnson, your commander!"

"Uh, sir? Do you know who you are speaking to?"

"No, I do not!"

"That's good. Goodbye, Fat-Ass!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

[baccyman]

Two rednecks were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.
They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.

The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"

"I told you not to peek," whined the groom

[baccyman]

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

[baccyman]

Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
She looked him over, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the tourist.

"Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No sh*t?!"

[baccyman]

A Florida court ruled that exotic dancers must cover one-third of their buttocks.
Now, if only they could pass the same law for the plumbers, we'd be in neat shape.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The highly religious, virgin bridegroom entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.
"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EPT (early pregnancy test) -
Blue means not pregnant.

Pink means pregnant.

Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.

[baccyman]

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

His co worker said to reconsider. Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.

Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."

The first asked "What did you do there?"

To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into the employment office in Los Angeles, there aren't many jobs so it doesn't take him long. Then, just as he's on his way out, he spots something.
"Wanted," it says, "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 a day guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job," he says, "reference number E/784/B46."

"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Los Angeles. They're looking for a pubic hair snipper. "You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathing suits, and before they go on the catwalk, they'd report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London... that sort of thing... and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels."

"I reckon I could learn to live with all that," says the fellow. "I'd really like to apply for the job."

The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Fresno."

"Fresno? What do I wanna go to Fresno for?" "Well," says the clerk, "that's where the end of the application line is at the moment!"

[baccyman]

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a limo driver taking a beautiful dark haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat.
The model said, "I don't have time to wait for road service. Could you change it yourself?"

The driver said, "Sure."

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you need a screwdriver?"

He said "Sure, honey! But, first I have to change this tire."

[baccyman]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the Great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this times with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time. I said, "BRING POSSE!"



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A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."

[baccyman]

"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce."
"Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?"

"I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first.

"Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin."

"It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."



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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt".
Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.

The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.

He looks and says, "You do have a beautiful butt".

She then tells the man she wants 'Beautiful butt tattooed', on her ass.

The man tells her, "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt.

She agrees and gets it done.

On the man's birthday she hears him come home and is only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs.

He opens the door and she says "look honey." She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over, and the man yells "WHO THE F#CK IS BOB?"!