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Chili Cook-off
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For
those of
you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
Houstonians actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the Rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at
the
astrodome.
These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who
was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
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"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking directions where I
could
find the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by
the
other two Judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2--Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3--(me). Holy SHIT, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like
I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is
in the front part of my chest. Plus, I'm getting shit-faced from
all of
the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
Judge #1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound bitch is
starting
to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop
screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices
and peppers.
Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3--My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried
about Judge #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which
slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like
shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what
killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm
not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
through
the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 Tommy's Toenail Curling Chili
Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed
out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if
he's going to make it. Poor bugger, I wonder how he'd have reacted
to a
really hot chili?
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Re: Chili Cook-off
