For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage
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For all those men who say, "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage
Q: Do you know why the doctor spanks a new born baby?
A: It knocks the dick off the stupid ones!
Send someone over quickly! The old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window!"
"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."
"No, it's YOU I want!" she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"
ya good jokes :D
Two men are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think it's spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."
The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"
The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.
The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard an elephant fart too!"
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"? He" looked her right in the eye .... and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?
Once a farmer is fed up with his threats of "I'll take you to the jungle if you create more mischief" and takes his youngest goat to the jungle. Suddenly out of nowhere 3 robbers appear and rob him of all his belongings including his clothes. They tie him to a tree completely naked with his baby goat hiding behind the bush.
3 days pass and he's rescued by a passer-by. After getting himself untied from the tree the farmer immediately picks up a nearby stick and starts beating the living daylights out of the goat. Puzzled the passer-by asks "After being freed after 3 days the first thing you do is beat your goat?" On which farmer replies "FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS I AM TRYING TO TELL HER I AM NOT HER MOTHER" :D
A week after their wedding, redneck newlyweds, Jed and Daisy, paid a visit to their doctor.
"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," says Jed. "My privates are turning BLUE."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, Jed's privates ARE blue.
The doctor turns to Daisy and asks: "Daisy, are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?
"Yeah, I am," she replied.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape," she answers.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk." "Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
:lol: I love this joke :) [/b][/quote]Quote:
Originally posted by Autumn Fox+27 March 2004 - 00:12--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Autumn Fox @ 27 March 2004 - 00:12)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-ashutosh_cool16@26 March 2004 - 15:38
My Dog Named Sex
(...)
same here, thats a gr8 joke :lol:
Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Braves cap on her pubic area.
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body.
He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it. Then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it.
However, when he lifted the Braves cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Braves cap once again and stared for a long time.
As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him to ask why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia?
He replied, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Braves cap."
“I’ve been making a lot of Freudian slips lately,” a man says to his friend. “Like what?” asks his buddy. “Well, last week I asked the train conductor for two pickets to Tittsburgh.” “I did something similar the other day,” says the friend. “My wife and I were having breakfast, and instead of saying, ‘Honey, please pass the butter,’ I said, ‘You bitch—you ruined my life!’”
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at the Air Base with my eight siblings and me - all under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said, "do all these children and this luggage belong to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase
Why Muslim Terrorists are So Quick to Commit Suicide
Just received some top secret information here. Very interesting!
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No beer, No bars, No radio, No television, No Playboy or Penthouse, No Teasers, No rugby, No Football, No basketball, No baseball, No golf, No dancing, No music.
No bikinis on the beach, No nude beaches, No summer mini skirts and bra less beauties.
No BBQ pork, No Ham, No bacon, No hot-dogs, No burgers, No lobster, No shellfish, or even frozen seafood sticks.
Christmas Rags for clothes and towels for hats, Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors, Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
You can't shave, your wife can't shave and you can't shave your wife.
Sand is everywhere, Sand gets into everything, you wipe your backside >with your left hand without toilet paper, and you can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times, your bride is picked by someone else, she smells just like your donkey, and your donkey has a better disposition.
Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get the 77 virgins and it all gets better!
So, no mystery here.
A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible. The entirety of the human experience could be found there, without exception. After the service, the preacher was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS." The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look it up. The following week, after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read, ... "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."
lol
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men.
Finally, he decided to confront her. "Diane," he said, "the only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
Q. How can a woman tell if she is flat chested?
A: She will look down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.
The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for 4 people, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping.
When they returned, they found the table set for 8 people. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.
The butler replied..... "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Bagels and the Knishes."
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked "Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE
A lady lived in a small Minnesota town had two pet monkeys that she was very fond of. One of them took sick and died. A couple of days later the other died of a broken heart. Wishing to keep them, the lady took them to the taxidermist. The man asked if she would like them mounted.
"Oh, no," she replied, "Just have them holding hands."
A young couple , a Long Island princess and her childhood sweetheart who had just finished his residency got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "Calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.
A doctor died and was being screened for the destination of his soul's eternal afterlife.
Unfortunately he'd been a bit of a lout and greedy to boot, so he wasn't quite certain what to expect.
Upon his arrival at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter greeted him and informed the Doctor that he would be allowed to choose from one of the doors before him, but that because of his greed and misdeeds, he may find the choices rather disturbing.
Upon opening the first door, he saw fire and brimstone of truly Biblical proportions, a horrifying sight, so he quickly shut the door.
After looking through the second door, he was even more horrified to see various tortured souls ravaged by plague, disease, and other maladies too terrible to mention, while an evil guard stood watch.
Nervously he opened the third door to discover groups of white-coated male physicians, being waited on hand and foot by beautiful young women dressed in little more than nursing caps!
He rushed excitedly back to Saint Peter and said, "I'll take the third door!"
"Oh, no, I'm afraid that's not possible," exclaimed Saint Peter. "That's NURSE'S Hell!"
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."
Jerry's at the urinal in an airport rest room when a guy with no arms sidles up next to him and pleads, "Hey buddy -- can you help me out here?"
Though he feels uneasy, he considers the guy's predicament and decides to help. He bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, reaches in and pulls out the guy's penis.
Much to his horror, it is hideous! It's moldy and bluish green, covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful. Imagining the kudos he'll get on Judgment Day for this selfless good deed, Jerry holds the man's unit while he finishes urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man's pants and zips him up.
The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
"No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask - What the hell's wrong with your johnson?"
The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says, "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touching it."
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"
The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.
"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
"Listen here," argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!"
the 1st joke was funny :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.” Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says, “$101,237.64.” The boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?” Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?” Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ’Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.’”
:lol: :D :lol:
loved that last one
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "and you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to phone after many rings and the irritated husband says "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what"?
"Getting a second opinion," she says.
A man and an attractive woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.
In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married"
"Hey, terrific idea!", says the eager man.
"Good", she replies, "GET YOUR OWN BLANKET!"
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her.
So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys deducted $95.00 in taxes.
We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why. "As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."
As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that. "Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."
We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in?" "Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!"
MOODS OF A WOMAN
================
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk, she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad!
MOODS OF A MAN
================
Horny.
One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when he heard an old man’s voice call from the other side.
“Hello? Hello?” Jesus replied, “Who is it?”
“Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son,” the old man replied.
Jesus’ heart leapt with joy and he called out, “Joseph?”
The voice answered back, “Pinocchio?”
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes? " The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you."